TOP 40+ BEST BARGE JOKES COLLECTION FOR THIS WEEK

Find The Best Funny Barge Jokes If Your Answers Is Yes. Here Is A Big List Of Funny Barge Jokes Collection For This Week.

  • A man with a gun barged into the pub earlier and was threatening violence if the bar didn’t play some classic 80s tunes.

Luckily The Police turned up and sorted him out.

In America, what do you call someone who barges into your house with a gun demanding you hand over your stuff?

A police officer.

  • Two Leafs fans die and go to hell

The devil greets them at the gate and shows them to their new home. Having lived in northern Ontario their whole lives, the two men are excited to enjoy hell’s warmer climate. They immediately shed a few layers and kick back with a couple cold beers. The devil, none too pleased with their enthusiasm heads down to the boiler room and ups the temperature in their room to 35°.

Later on, the devil goes to check on the two Canadians. Much to his dismay, he finds that they have thrown a party in their room. He storms back down to the boiler room and sets the temperature to 45°. This kills the mood pretty quickly and the party soon clears out. But the two men are still enjoying the warmest climate they’ve ever experienced. The devil, now furious, marches back down to the boiler room with one last trick up his sleeve: he shuts the heat down completely.

When he returns a little while later, he finds the two men in their natural habitat, bundled up in a few layers sharing their favourite hockey stories with some fellow Canadians they met at the party.

Then, everyone goes silent. The devil excitedly presses his ear to the door and peeps in. One of the men points to the centre of the floor and says “look!”: frost was starting to form. It spread up the walls and across the ceiling, soon the floor was covered in a layer of sheet ice. The two men jump up and start celebrating like children.

The devil, furiously barges in and yells “WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY? WHY AREN’T YOU SUFFERING?”

“Hell froze over!” they replied, **”THE LEAFS WON THE CUP!!!”**

  • A couple of years ago

one night I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped ,fell over and broke a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don’t know Joseph that well, don’t even remember where he was from if I’m honest, but lets say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

He got a big shard of glass in his eye making him blind in one eye, he had to walk around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for months. Then suddenly he disappeared along with my girlfriend, apparently they bonded during the time after his injuries. They eloped, left me behind without even a note. I tried to track them down but couldn’t.

In conclusion, if hadn’t been for cotton eyed Joe, I’d have been married a long time ago.

Where did you come from, where did you go? where did you come from cotton eyed Joe?

  • A group of thugs barged into a chinese restaurant recently and smashed up all the dumplings…

Such pointless wonton destruction.

  • A politicain wanted to confirm that his son was really his son or had his wife been unfaithful.

He creates a setup. He places a $1000 bill, a glass of whiskey and a gun on a table. He then calls his son in. His son barges in “Hey Dad”

He shows his son the setup and tells him to choose.

The son without a second thought picks up the bill, puts it in his pocket. Without further ado, he drinks the entire glass of whiskey in one go. He then picks up a gun starts to threaten everyone else in the room to empty their pockets.

The politician stands up, hugs his son and with a heart filled with emotion exclaims ” HE IS MY SON!”

  • A Mars rover barged into my house. I knew it was Spirit

because Opportunity knocks.

  • A waiter barges into his manager’s office

“Help!” he says, “There are two guys outside high as a kite trashing the place!”

The manager steps out of his office, and sure enough there are two high guys shoving tables and throwing plates. He calmly walks out of the restaurant and returns shortly with a very beautiful woman. As soon as the dudes saw the woman, they immediately stopped trashing the place and began admiring her. She left soon after and they followed her out, entranced by her beauty.

Meanwhile the waiter is standing there, watching this all take place. He stared at the manager, confused as to how he knew that would work.

“That, my friend, ” says the manager, “Is how you kill two stoners with one bird.”

  • A waiter barges into his manager’s office

“Help!” he says, “There are two guys outside high as a kite trashing the place!”

The manager steps out of his office, and sure enough there are two high guys shoving tables and throwing plates. He calmly walks out of the restaurant and returns shortly with a very beautiful woman. As soon as the dudes saw the woman, they immediately stopped trashing the place and began admiring her. She left soon after and they followed her out, entranced by her beauty.

Meanwhile the waiter is standing there, watching this all take place. He stared at the manager, confused as to how he knew that would work.

“That, my friend, ” says the manager, “Is how you kill two stoners with one bird.”

  • A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office, and screams…

“Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”

The doctor calmly answers “Pay me in advance”

  • 3 guys in line for heaven

3 men die and are waiting in line for heaven. The guy at the gate who decides if they can get in or not tells them,

“Alright, so in the book of life, i have lost everything that has happened in the last 30 minutes. If you can give me an honest account of what happened to you in your last few moments of your lives, I will allow you passage into heaven.”


The first guy says,

“I just got home when I saw clothes all over the floor. I barged into my room and saw my wife on the bed naked. I searched the house and couldn’t find anyone. I got so mad, that i threw the fridge out the window. I died right after of a heart attack.”


The guy at the gate goes something like,

“Whoa bro, anger and vengence are not good, but since you told me the truth, I will let you through.” *to the second guy* “So, how did you die?”


The second guy says,

“Well, I had just snatched this lady’s purse and started running away, when all of a sudden, a fridge fell on me.”


The guy at the gate goes something like,

“You weren’t supposed to go around taking other’s possessions. What you have during your life will not follow you to the grave. You told me the truth, so I will let you through as well.” *then to the third guy* “So, how did you die?”


The third guy says,

“Oh, I was in the fridge.”

  • The detective picks up a scent of Cuban tobacco on the victim’s body.

From this, he deduces that the killer was a smoker. He also discovers a crumpled up sheet of paper that has an address scribbled out on it. This leads him to the doorsteps of an old apartment. The detective readies his gun and barges in, eager to find a clue that ties the house to the suspect. But once inside, he realizes that the whole apartment is being used as a walk-in closet for a dance troupe.
“Darn,” he exclaims, “Clothes, but no cigar!”

  • A Barge Carrying Vegetables Sinks In a Harbor…

The disaster report claimed the boat had too many leeks.

  • Lady barges into radio shack

She grabs at the nearest employee and exclaims:


“I need a pack of double A batteries RIGHT NOW!”


The employee, flustered, replies: “All right, stay calm and just … come this way”, as he gestures her to follow him with a wave of his fingers.


She yells “If I could do that, I wouldn’t need the batteries!”

  • An insanely jealous husband comes home in a rage to see his wife…

He was a large bulky man who could well tear into somebody. He barges into their 3 story apartment, slams the door, and yells at his wife, “Where is he, you cheat?”

She exclaims, “What are you talking about?” He screams, “I know you’re cheating on me and when I find him, I’m going to kill him!” He picks up his only shotgun with one last bullet and begins storming through the place, looking high and low.

About that time, there’s a knock on the door. The angry husband runs to the front door, swings it open, and shoots the delivery guy right in the chest, killing him instantly. The wife screams crying, “No no no, you idiot! You killed the wrong man!” The husband replies, “Well, I’m going to find him and when I do, I’m going to kill him!”

About that time, the husband looks outside and sees a guy running down the sidewalk at a pretty good pace. There husband says, “There he is, running away like a coward! He’s a dead man!” and proceeds to go into the kitchen, rips the refrigerator from the wall, and tosses it outside landing squarely on top of the man running, killing him instantly. The husband, feeling confident he’d disposed of the problem, storms out of the apartment.

Meanwhile, at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter is approached by the first guy, the delivery man. He said, “Hello my son. How did you die?” The delivery guy replied, “I was simply making a delivery and knocked on the door. This guy flings open the door and shoots me in the chest for no reason.” St. Peter says, “That sounds awful. Welcome to Heaven.” and shows him through the pearly gates.

A second guy in running attire walks up to the gates and St. Peter asks, “Hello my son. How did you die?” The runner replies, “I was simply out for a jog and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this refrigerator just lands on my head. I never saw it coming.” St. Peter says, “What a terrible way to die. Please, come in and welcome to Heaven.”

About then, this third guy walks up to the gates and St. Peter says, “Hello my son. And how did you die?” The man replied, “Well… ya see… I was in this refrigerator…”.

  • A man barges into a bar
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and yells for the bartender to pour seven shots of whiskey and hurry. The bartender, taken aback, does what he is told. The man starts to quickly down the shots, one after the other, without stopping until all the glasses are empty. The bartender asks, “Why on earth are you drinking this much, this fast?” The man looks him in the eye and tells him, “If you had what I have, you’d drink like this too.” The bartender nervously asks what the man has. “Fifty cents” the man replies.

  • Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby.

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. “Stop! You can’t do this!” exclaims the brother. “And why not?” asks Stan. “Don’t you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?” Stan says nothing. The brother grows impatient, “C’mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.” Stan can’t take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, “You’re sure you want a nephew?” “Yes,” the brother replies. “It would be an honor.” “Well, congratulations, you’re holding him.”

  • A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road…

At the fork, there is a sign which reads “Reddit go right, cowtown go left.” The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right.

After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads “Reddit go right, cowtown go left.” The cowboy, confused again about how he’s reached the same sign decides that he’s made a mistake somewhere along his path and looped back to where he started. Thinking he’s made a mistake, he goes right again.

He travels another five miles down the path until he reaches another sign, reading the same thing. “Reddit go right, cowtown go left.”

Determined to reach Reddit, he again goes right, and after another five miles of riding, he reaches a bar with “REDDIT” spelled out in bright lights. Feeling exhausted and angry for traveling all of that way with such little direction from the signs, the man decides to head in and have a beer.

He walks in and sees that every bar stool is taken, but there is no one behind the bar taking orders. At this point, the cowboy is so dehydrated, sunburned and angry that he decides to barge right into the managers office and demand an explanation for this madness.

He sees the manager sitting at his desk and asks him: “Hey Partner! What kind of circus are you running here? Every sign to get here is the exact same, and there’s not a single person here to take my order!”

The manager looks up from his desk, smiling and says : “This must be your first time here, so I’ll explain. Every post is the same, and our servers never work. Welcome to Reddit, partner.”

  • Beat em all up real good

One day a man arrives at the pearly gates and meets St Peter. They’re going through the necessary paperwork and documentation so St Peter asks the man, “So, did you have any memorable experiences that stood out on earth?”

The man pauses for a second to think and responds, “Why Yes I did have a quite memorable experience! I was at this bar getting a drink next to a beautiful young lady when this big bunch of bad bikers barged in and started harassing the young lady. After awhile I had to step in so I picked the biggest, baddest looking dude of the group and went up to him, punched him in the gut and yanked out his eye brow ring. Then I looked at the rest of the gang and said, “If you don’t leave now, I’ll kill all of you!’”

St Peter then looked up shocked and said, “Oh my goodness! When did all this happen?”

The man looks down at his watch… ”Oh, I’d say about 4-5 minutes ago.”

  • A man named Ralph decides that he can’t stand his wife any longer, and decides to hire a hitman.

He checks the newspaper one morning and sees an ad that says, “Get any job done for $1.” Ralph excitedly calls the number from the ad, and a man answers.

Man: “Hello, this is Artie. How can I help you?”

Ralph: “Hi there, I saw your ad in the paper and was wondering if you could help me take care of my wife?”

Artie: “Of course, no problem. For jobs like this, I tend to go the route of asphyxiation. Is that alright with you?”

Ralph: “Honestly, I’m fine with whatever gets the job done.”

The men exchange information and Artie agrees to be at Ralph’s house the next day at 3 o’clock sharp. When Artie arrives, Ralph quietly rushes him inside and shuts the door.

Ralph: “I completely forgot that my wife has her monthly book club meeting today. Her and her two friends are in the living room, and I don’t want any witnesses. Can you take out all three of them? I’m willing to pay extra.”

Artie: “You know what? I’m in a good mood. I’ll take care of all three of ‘em, no extra charge.”

Artie barges into the living room, takes the women out, and is given a dollar by Ralph. The local police open a huge investigation surrounding the murders. The transaction between Ralph and Artie is uncovered and the men are arrested. Eventually, the newspaper takes interest in the events and decides to put the story on the front page with the headline:

‘Artie Chokes 3 for $1 at Ralph’s.’

  • The tale of Drango Dune

A proddy young gunfighter swings off his horse and barges through the batwing doors into a saloon, where everyone falls silent, except for the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause. “I’m looking for Drango Dune!” yells the young man, and everyone turns away except for one old-timer who raises his hand and says, “That’s me, youngster. What d’you want him for?”

The young gunfighter goes up to the old-timer and says, “If you’re Drango Dune, I’ve rid all the way out here to call you down!”, and Dune says, “Whatever for?”

“They say you’re the greatest gunfighter there ever was,” says the youngster, “so after I beat you, I’ll be the greatest.” The old-timer laughs softly, and says, “I guess you had your ride for nothing, then. I don’t do that stuff no more.”

“But you’re the greatest!” says the youngster. “There’s stories and songs and everything!”

“Was the greatest, was the greatest,” says Drango. “Son, all those songs and stories are… well, they must be forty years old. Still… if you’ve rid all this way then it’s a real shame to see it go for nothing. I guess I could give you a few tips at least. Why’n’t you show me the best you got?”

The youngster draws and shoots in a blur of motion, and knocks the candle out of its stick just to the left of the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause; and Drango Dune nods sagely and says, “Pretty good. Mind you, there’s room for improvement. You want to let out the strap on that holster just one-half an inch, so your gun ride a mite lower. You’ll shave off maybe a fifth of a second that way.”

The youngster does as he says and does an even faster draw, and knocks the candle out of its stick just to the right of the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause; and Drango Dune nods once again and says, “Real good. Now, just rub off the checking on the spur of that hammer, and you’ll take another tenth of a second off that draw.”

Again the youngster does as he’s told and draws and shoots the hat off the head of the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause; and Drango Dune nods and says, “Just one thing more. Take that gun of yours and, you see that barrel of bear grease at the end of the bar? Dip your gun in there and get a real good coating on it.”

The youngster comes back with his well-greased gun and says, “And the grease will make my draw even quicker, right?”

Drango Dune shakes his head and says, “Oh no, son. It’s just that when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna come over here and stick that gun of yours where the sun doesn’t shine; and this way, it won’t hurt as much.”

  • A man stumbles upon a magic lamp
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A man stumbles upon a magic lamp. Intrigued by his discovery, he proceeds to rub the lamp and before his very eyes, a genie appears.

“I have finally been released from my slumber and now I shall grant you three wishes in return. choose wisely!” The genie says.

The man considers his deepest desires and replies “Well firstly, I wish I was disgustingly wealthy. Secondly, I wish I had a gigantic house. And finally, I wish I had a beautiful brunette wife”. The genie snaps his fingers and just like that, the man is teleported.

The man wakes up in a magnificent king-sized bed. His eyes stroll around the room  where he finds himself surrounded by countless exquisite antiquities and treasures by the likes of which he has never seen. Suddenly, a gorgeous brunette with a dreamy body and fancy clothes barges into the room and says “You better get up Franz, we need to be in Sarajevo by noon”.

-A pretty cool german museum employee told me this one.

  • A young couple finish their first date…

…and are heading back to their hotel room. As the man is about to open the door, the woman halts him and says, “Look, I can tell how you make love just by the way you open that door.”

She continued, “For instance, my last date thrust the key into the lock and barged the door open. That showed to me that he was rough when making love, and I don’t like that.”

She paused for a second to recollect her thoughts and then continued, “and the date before spent ten minutes poking around trying to find the lock, and that showed to me that he had no experience, and I don’t like that either.”

She then fixed her eyes onto the man and asked, “So how do you open the door?”

“Well,” the man replied, “first I *lick the lock*!”

  • A father Is lounging in his study..

When one of his daughters walks in and asks “Daddy.. why is my name Rose?” The father replys “Because when you were born, we dropped a rose petal on your face.” The second daughter barges in and asks “Daddy why Is my name Daisy?” The father replys “Because when you were born, we dropped a daisy petal on your face.” The third daughter stumbles through the door and exclaims “DUR HERM DER BAHRRRR!?!?!” The father jumps out of his chair and yells “SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!!!”

  • And now for something completely different

A young female nurse is working the front desk at a sperm bank. A man wearing a ski mask barges in through the front door and holds a gun to her head. He tells her “Open the vault!”

“But sir, this is a sperm bank…”

“Just do it!” The woman complies and opens the vault containing hundreds of vials of donations. “Now, uncork one and drink it!

“Sir, I don’t understand…”

“Do as I say!” So she uncorks a sample and drinks it down. She chokes on it but is more worried about the mysterious man. The assailant has her do it a few more times. The woman is visibly shaken, but he takes off the ski mask and says

“See honey, it isn’t that hard.”

  • Watson and Holmes are returning from the lock-and-key shop where they’ve ordered an extra apartment key because Watson lost his.

As they arrive, Watson bounds up the steps to 221B Baker Street and barges into their apartment as Sherlock Holmes follows him.

“I’ll show you my deductions today Holmes!”, he says. “I can deduce too!”

Sherlock Holmes shows him the only key to the apartment and says, “What can you deduce from this key?”

Watson examines it.

He says:

“The key has a speck of dirt on it which indicates that you have dropped it once today.”

“The key looks like it’s made of an alloy of copper and iron.”

“The key’s edges show wear and tear which means it has been used often.”

“There is a chocolate stain on the key which means you have eaten chocolate today.”

“Amn’t I awesome Holmes! What can you deduce?”

Sherlock Holmes shakes his head as he says:

“As usual, you have missed everything that is of importance.

I have not inserted the only key to this apartment and yet you were able to barge right into our apartment. Our flat has been broken into!”

  • An officer routinely waits outside the bar…

An officer routinely waits outside the bar in his squad car on the weekends to get an easy catch on the drunk drivers. This particular night on his early patrols he passes a large group of regulars walking into the bar. He makes a mental note to come back and wait. A few hours later the officer pulls into his spot up the street to wait for an obvious drunkard to walk out.

After about 30 minutes, the first man of the group to leave barges out the door and stumbles onto the sidewalk. He stops, stares one way up the road, then lazily stares the other way before making a decision on where he left his car. He starts to fumble in his pockets looking for his keys. After a few stubborn attempts to pull them from his pocket, he does so, and promptly drops them to the ground. The office cracks a smile as he watches the man make several passes at leaning down to retrieve his keychain. His buddies, done drinking themselves, walk quietly out the bar, and chuckle as they watch their friend struggling up the street, then head on their way. Finally, the man has his keys, and after a few tries at the lock, is sitting in his car. He spends a few minutes checking his mirrors, checking and double checking his seatbelt as he prepares for the journey home.

The man turns the ignition, signals left and pulls into the street with a quick lurch. The officer immediately lights him up and the man pulls over. The officer walks up to the window and asks the man if he’s been drinking. The man lets out a long breath, struggling to keep eye contact and blurts out: “No Occifer….not a single cent…errr, drop.”

The officer has him step out of the car and tells him that ‘just to be sure’, he will need to take a breathalyzer. The man begins to panic as his friends drive by on the way home shaking their heads in shame. The officer has him blow into the machine, and it comes back with a miraculous 0.001. The officer, a little shaken by the number, resets the machine and has him blow again. This time a 0.000! The officer mutters under his breath. “There must be something wrong with the machine…We’ll have to give you a roadside sobriety test, and we’ll take you into the office for a BAC.”

The man starts to get a slight grin on his face as he begins the test. He passes the test with flying colors, and the officer is getting very upset. “I saw you barely make it to your car just a minute ago….how are you magically acting sober?!?!”

“Well you see officer, I haven’t been drinking, I’m the *designated decoy*!”

  • The captain has good news and bad news.
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The Egyptian royal barge returns to harbour after a long day ferrying the pharaoh up and down the Nile. The captain says to the tired oarsmen ‘Right, lads, I’ve got good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?’

The oarsmen consult among themselves and decide they fancy some good news first.

‘The good news,’ says the captain, ‘Is that from now on your rations are doubled. The oarsmen cheer and start talking excitedly amongst themselves.

‘The bad news,’ says the captain, ‘Is that Pharoah wants to try water-skiing.’

  • How do you celebrate Christopher Columbus day?

Barge into your neighbor’s home and claim it as yours.

  • The one about the watch

Tim a six year old sees his fellow six year old friend Eric at the playground. Eric’s wearing a brand new Spider-man watch.
Tim: Cool watch! Is that new?
Eric: Yea my dad bought it for me yesterday.
Tim: Why? Was it your birthday?
Eric: No…yesterday, Him and my mom went into the bedroom, and I could hear wrestling noises, so I went in, and they were both naked, my dad got real angry and screamed at me so I ran into my room and cried all evening. Well he came in at night had said he was really sorry, and bought this watch for me!
Tim: Neat!

A week later, Tim sees his parents go into their bedroom and close the door. Moments later he hears “wrestling” noises. He barges in and finds his parents on top of each other, completely naked.

Tim’s Father: Tim! What the hell!??!!
Tim: I-WANT-A-WATCH!!!
Tim’s Father: Oh…alright…well pull up a chair then.

  • Three strings are going out drinking…

But sadly, they live in a world where strings aren’t allowed to drink. They are tired of this lifestyle, however, and they want to have their drinks no matter what, so they head out to the local bars. At the first bar they come to, they try to be straight up about it. The strings walk up to the bartender and plainly ask for beers. The bartender frowns and replies, “boys, you know I can’t serve strings, move along please.” The strings get flustered and move on to the next bar, but the lead string has a plan. When they get to the bar he sends his two string buddies to go sit in a corner while he works his magic. He spends the next hour sweet talking a lovely female bartender. After a long conversation filled with small talk the string subtly asks for a few beers and the bartender snaps out of her kind demeanor and rejects him. The strings are livid at this point and they begin to walk home. At the final bar along the street, however, the lead yells, “I’m fed up with this”, and jumps into a puddle along the curb and starts thrashing around. His string buddies ask what he’s doing but he orders them to walk into the bar and sit in the corner again, for he has a new plan. Doubtful, his string buddies obey. They are sitting in a dark corner for 15 minutes before their friend barges in, disheveled, dirty, and beat up. The lead string stumbles over to the bartender and bluntly asks for three beers. The bartender asks, “Sir, are you a string?”, to which the string replies, “No, sir, I’m a frayed knot.”

Credit to my weird aunt for this joke.

  • Puns

So some ants in a colony go to war. they want some more troops and know that there are ants that went to wars as well. They call them war-ants. they start barging into home’s to search for more war-ants. They barge into a home and the lady-ant goes “Hey. why are you here? Can you please leave?” One of the ants reply with “I’m sorry, but unless you have a war-ant, we have to keep searching your house”

  • Puns

I had an animal pun contest today. He started off by saying something-I don’t remember. Then I replied TOUCAN play that game. He went silent and my other friend barged in and said, “Don’t you thick he’s CHICKENing out?” I said, “yeah, just stop HORSING around!” He came back with one and I ended it by saying, “Ok, lets MOOOOOve on cow[now]” Welp that’s it.

  • Q: How much does it cost for a pirate to pierce his ears?

A: A Buccaneer! (a buck an ear, boom boom..)

“I finally snapped,” the man said. “Last night while I was going over the bills, I discovered how much money my wife squanders and I hit the roof.” “What did you do?” asked his friend. “I stormed into the bedroom and gave her a lecture on economy and thrift.” “Did it help?” “I’ll say. Tomorrow we’re selling my boat and sailing equipment.”

  • Q: How many boaters does it take to change a lightbulb?

 A: None, because the right size bulb isn’t on board, the local marine-supply store doesn’t carry that brand, and the mail-order house has them on back-order.

  • Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a dock line?

A: One should be whipped at both ends: the other keeps your boat tied to the dock.

A very nervous first time crew member says to the skipper, “Do boats like this sink very often?” “Not too often,” replied the skipper. “Usually it’s only the once.”

  • Q. Why are pirates really cool? 

A. Because they ARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!

  • THE NERVOUS CREW

A very nervous first time crew member says to the skipper, “Do yachts like this sink very often?”

“Not too often,” replied the skipper. “Usually it’s only the once.”

  • THE STOWAWAY

A young woman was very depressed and decided to end it all by throwing herself into the sea. Just as she was about to do so, a handsome sailor ran down to the shore.

“There is so much you could do with you life,” he told her. “In fact, my ship is sailing for America in the morning. I’ll smuggle you on board and make sure you have plenty of food. If you’ll just help me pass the lonely evening hours, I will get you over to America where you can start a new life.”

  • THREE LADIES GO RACING

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde had all entered a singlehanded race but failed to make it to the starting line.

The brunette lost her mast overboard during a grueling qualifying passage and couldn’t get it repaired in time.

The redhead decided the flexing of the hull around the keelbolts she discovered at the last moment might lead to structural failure when she was far at sea and beyond the range of easy rescue.

  • THE PERILS OF MARRYING A PARROT

An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color…. green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

“What’s the matter old timer—never done anything wild in your life?”

The old captain snorted. “Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!”

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