TOP 110+ BEST FUNNY CROSS THE ROAD JOKES COLLECTION

The Best Jokes about Roads Here Top 110+ Best Funny Cross The Road Jokes Collection For You.

  • An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to her and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a handsome prince.”

She bent over, picked up the frog and put it in her pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a handsome prince, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of her pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a prince, I’ll be your devoted boyfriend.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into her pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a handsome prince, and that I’ll be your devoted boyfriend. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a boyfriend, but a talking frog……that’s cool.”

  • My 8 year old cousin: ” Why did the chicken cross the road?”

8yo cousin: To get to the idiot’s house.

Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha.

8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock

Me: Who’s there

8yo: The chicken.

  • 4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.

They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday.

Celebrating their white lie they had another big night out and headed back on Monday. When they got back on campus Tuesday they went and saw their professor and she asked if they were all right, thanked them for letting her know ahead of time, and told them to get ready for the test.

Inwardly laughing they were separated into four separate rooms so as not to cheat. All four flipped over the sheet and saw only two questions:

For 5% credit, what does DSM stand for in the DSM-5?



For 95% credit, which tire went flat?

  • A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, ‘What seems to be the problem?’

‘I’m out of gas,’ the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

‘Try it now,’ said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. ‘Wow!’ the man exclaimed, ‘what did you put in my gas tank’?

The bee answered,

‘BP’

  • When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa…

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I’d always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.I’ll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones.

  • Why did the crab cross the road?

It didn’t. It used the sidewalk.

(This was a joke my teacher made)

  • Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant

They want to go in but there’s a sign on the door that says “no pets allowed – service dogs only”. The guy with the doberman says, “don’t worry I got this.” He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.

The manager comes up to him and says, “sir, you can’t have your dog in here.” The man replies, you don’t understand, this is my seeing guide dog.” Skeptical, the manager asks, “your guide dog is a doberman?” The man replies, “you see, a doberman helps protect me against burglars.” The manager lets him through.

The chihuahua guy sees this and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks inside. The manager approaches him and says, “sir, you can’t bring your dog in here.” The man replies, “you don’t understand, this is my seeing guide dog.” The manager, ever so skeptical, asks, “your guide dog is a chihuahua?”

The man, quick to think, says, “a chihuahua? They gave me a chihuahua?!?”

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  • I didn’t want to believe my friend was stealing from the road construction site.

But I went to his house to confront him and all the signs were there.

  • Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack

  • A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop. He said, ‘You’re weaving down this road, ‘What is in that Water Bottle?’ The man said, ‘Plain water.’ the Cop took a sip and said, “This is red wine.’

The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, ‘THANK YOU JESUS, YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN.’

  • Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong sock this morning.

  • Why did the chicken cross the road?

No one knows. *But the road will have his vengeance.*

  • So I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the lady behind me honked at me and flipped me off because I was taking to long to order. Wow. “Take the high road” I thought to myself.

So I paid for her food.

I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me because the cashier told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too!

  • I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb.

Then I realized that my life was a joke.

  • What road connects China to Italy?

The Sick Road.

Yes you can pity laugh now

  • Why did the console gamer cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

  • Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him,

“What’s the word on the street?”

  • Why did the road cross the road?

Because civil engineers & urban planners don’t like roundabouts!

  • Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over

“Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “

Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”

“Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.”

“Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.”

“Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.”

“Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

  • Why did the chicken cross the road?

Well you see, it was deeply depressed. The road was fairly busy and it knew that being hit by a car would be the fastest way to go.

It was trying to get to “The Other Side.”

  • Two men are walking along the road

And they come across a dog, sitting on the sidewalk licking his balls.

One man says to the other, “Boy, I’d sure like to be able to do that.”

The other man says “Well, okay, but I suggest you pet him first.”

  • A man with a new sports car was speeding down an empty road late at night.

Suddenly he heard sirens behind him. He looked in his rearview mirror to see the flashing lights of a police car. The man thought to himself “I can outrun this guy.” And stepped on the accelerator. He kept accelerating. 90 miles an hour. 100. 110. 120.

After a few minutes he realized how stupid he was being. “I could kill myself, or go to prison!” He thought. He decided the best thing to do would be to pull over and hope he just got a ticket.

He slowed down and pulled over on the side of the road, waiting for the police officer to come up to his window. After a few tense minutes of waiting, he saw the officer get out of his car and walk up to his window.

He unrolled the window to speak with the officer. “Look son,” said the officer “I’ve had a long day and my shift is nearly over. If I have to arrest you, I’ll be doing paperwork for hours. I’ll tell you what; if you give me a reason why you were running that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man thought for a moment and replied “A few months ago my wife ran off with a cop. I thought you were trying to give her back.”

The cop smiled and said “You have a nice night, sir.”

  • I regularly mess with the owner of the restaurant across the road.

I myself am a restaurant owner and regularly go into the restaurant across the street to mess with the owners head.

It started out small, changing the salt in the salt shakers for sugar. Removing the labels from tin cans so they wouldn’t know what’s in them. During this whole time the owner had no idea it was me and therefore there was no retaliation.

Anyway, after a while and some more substantial pranks it appeared he caught on that it was me. I discovered this as one day when I came to the front door of my restaurant, a note was posted on the front door reading “See how you like it.”

As I walked inside I saw that all my furniture had been rotated.

It appears the tables have turned.

  • Some sucker in a fancy car with blaring sound thought he could do whatever he wanted on the road
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He went THROUGH red lights, was speeding up wayy over the limit and weaving through cars. I decided to take justice into my hands and speed to infront of him then drop below the limit.

Fkn ambulances i swear..

  • Why did the tortiose cross the road?

We don’t know, it’s still crossing.

  • What did the chicken say to the duck as it was about to cross the road?

“Don’t do it man, you’ll never hear the end of it.”

  • On Saint Patrick’s Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over. “So,” said the cop to the driver, “Where have you been?”

“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

  • A man and woman are driving down the road…

A man and woman are driving down the road after dinner. The weather is awful, pouring rain and freezing cold.

As they go around a corner, the woman spots a dog on the side of the road that looks like it’s been hit by a car. She pleads with her husband to stop so they can check on the poor dog.

As they approach the dog, they realize that, sadly, the dog has passed away, and sadder still, a small, shivering puppy is nearby.
The lady immediately scoops up the orphan puppy and says, “Well, we have to keep him!”, as they get back into the car.

A few minutes down the road, she turns to her husband and says, “Oh, Bill! This poor thing is freezing!”

“Put it between your legs, honey and warm him up”, Bill says.

The wife replies, “Oh, but it’s soaking wet and smells awful!”

Bill replies, “Well, just hold it’s little nose; it’ll get used to it.”

  • My wife told me to pack my bags and hit the road because me being a literalist was bad for her.

Then she yelled at me, but I’m not sure if it was because I only brought grocery bags with me or the fact that I should have used the baseball bat, and not the hammer

  • A large sinkhole opens up on a small town road.

Many people fall into it and get hurt and it’s difficult to get them all to the hospital.

The mayor gathers the city council to figure out a solution. The smartest city councilor suggests they park an ambulance next to the hole to get people to the hospital faster. The rest unanimously agree. It has little effect.

So the mayor gathers the council a second time. The second smartest councilor suggests they close the road between the hole and the hospital so the ambulance can ferry people faster. Everyone once again agrees and again it is of limited use.

Finally they gather for a third time to take drastic measures. The third smartest councilor says they need to tear down the hospital and rebuild it next to the hole.

Finally the mayor can’t take it anymore. He slams his fist on the table and yells:

“You idiots! Do you know how much moving the hospital will cost?! There’s an obvious and easy solution to this problem! We fill in the hole. Then we dig a new one next to the hospital!

  • A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; “$5 for talking dog, take next left.”

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I’ll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the garage, where a dog is lying on a dog bed. It sees them and walks over to them.

F: Go on, ask him anything.

The man says;

M: Alright dog, tell me about yourself.

To the mans surprise, the dog begins to speak, clearly and with proper words, not the typical “arooo you” that you usually hear on the internet.

D: Well, when I was a young pup, I always wanted to serve my country. So, as soon as I could, I enlisted with the airport security as a sniffer dog. I was real good at my job too, got a few promotions and turned some heads. Eventually, the US army picked me up as a bomb-sniffer dog, and I helped prevent tragedies all across the country and oversees. After a while I retired, found myself a nice girl, had a few pups, and finally came to this farm to live out my golden years.

The man is stunned. He says to the farmer:

M: Holy cow, you were right! Why are you only asking $5 for this dog!?

F: Cause he’s a liar! He ain’t ever done any of that!

  • A straight-laced former cop and a priest were driving down a country road

Walking along the edge of the road were some teens – their pants sagging, they were vaping had a beer in hand, and could clearly be hear cursing loudly. This enraged the former cop. He drifted toward the side of the road as if to hit them, then pulled back. Angry, he drifted over again. There was a horrible noise, and the teens went flying in the air. The cop turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry, Father, but their actions drove me to uncontrollable anger and I *had* to hit them.” The priest looked at him and said, “You had to hit them? You didn’t hit them at all. Hell, I got ’em with the door!”

  • Buddha was walking down the road with his students…

Buddha was walking down the road with his students when he saw a hole in the road with an ox stuck inside and farmer trying to get the ox out, with no avail. Buddha nodded to his pupils and they helped the guy out quickly. They continued walking, when they saw another hole in the road with another ox stuck inside and a farmer sitting on the side and crying. Buddha walked by him like he didn’t even notice the guy. His students asked him :”Why didn’t you help him?” He replied :”Help him with what, crying?”

  • So, I was driving home from work and I noticed this man at the side of the road eating grass on the verge. On the verge of throwing-up, maybe…

Anyway, I pulled up next to him and said “What are you doing man?” he replied “I’m starving”.

I told him “Now, listen- there is no need to do that here. You can come to my house and eat as much as you like.”.

He said “But I have a wife” so I said “that’s fine she can come along too- fill your boots.” then he said “But we have five children.”

I said “Steady on, how big do you think my lawn is?”

  • Why didn’t the Skelton cross the road?

It didn’t have the guts.

  • I’m working on a joke about road construction.

Give me a few months to lay it all out.

  • What do you call a road in India?

The Milky Way.

  • I took a road trip with my German buddy and when I accidentally dropped my hot dog out the window he swung the car around to go back and get it. . .

That’s when the whole trip really took a turn for the wurst.

  • A priest was standing on the side of the road, holding a sign that said, “The end is near! Turn around before it’s too late!”

A man drove up to the priest in his car, rolled down his window, and said, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” He rolled the window back up and drove off in anger.

The priest thought to himself, “I knew my sign should have just said ‘Bridge Out’.”

  • A brunette was hopping down a road……

She was singing “26! 26! 26! 26!”

A blonde crosses her path and asks what she’s doing

“I’m playing a game!” The brunette replies.
“OOH A GAME! IT LOOKS SO FUN OH MY GOD CAN I PLAY?”
“sure! You just hop down this yellow line and say 26 for every jump!”

The blonde joins the brunette. “26! 26! 26”
The brunette walks over to the side while the blonde continues

The blonde gets hit and killed by a truck

Then the brunette gets back on the yellow line on the road

“27! 27! 27! 27!”

  • A whole generation will only know Billy Ray Cyrus for “Old Town Road”

And that breaks my heart. My achy breaky heart.

  • A little boy was walking on the road eating a chocolate.

A man came over and said, “Son, eating chocolates is bad for your health.”

The boy replied, “Do you know, my Grandpa lived to be 105 years old.”

“By eating chocolates?” The man asked.

“No, by minding his own business.” He replied.

  • Why was chickan across road?
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That would be because my brother is terrible at both crossword puzzles and spelling.

  • Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: why did the chicken cross the road?

Friend: Why?

Me: Because it wanted to meet a fool.
Me: knock knock.

Friend: Who is there?

Me: The chicken, open the door.

  • A turtle is crossing the road

when he’s mugged by two snails.

When the police show up, they ask him what happened.

The shaken turtle replies: “I don’t know. It all happened so fast”

  • A stagecoach stops in the forest. The driver says to the guy blocking the road “What are you doing? Who the hell do you think you are?”

“I’m Robbin!”

  • Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop.

  • Two nuns are driving down the road one evening, when suddenly a vampire jumps on top of their car.

The nun in the passenger seat yells “What should I do!”. The nun driving says “Show him your cross!”. The first nun leans out the window and yells “GET OFF MY BLOODY CAR!”

  • Be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving & Christmas around the corner.

A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

  • I was driving along and saw a suitcase on the side of the road, so I pulled over to investigate.

When I opened it up I saw a family of badgers.

I immediately pulled my phone out and rang the Animal Rescue number.

“Hi, I’ve just found a family of badgers in a suitcase.”

“Are they alive?”

“No idea, I’m not a vet.”

“Well are they moving?”

“Oh yeah, good point. That explains the suitcase.”

  • A man was driving down the road with some penguins in his truck when a policeman stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.

“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”

  • I was driving to work this morning, distracted as usual by my coffee, banana, podcasts, etc, when I hit something. I saw a gray and white lump on the road in my rear view and feared the worse. I got out and checked, and just as I had thought, I hit a cat.

It had a collar on, so clearly it belonged to someone, and it was in front of a little farmhouse, which was the only house within seeing distance. I knocked on the door, and a lady in a bathrobe answered. It was plain to see the she was amid a hectic morning getting her kids ready for school. I explained to her what happened, and found out that it was, in fact, their pet cat. One of the kids overheard the conversation and got very upset, which quickly spread to the other children. Now the mother very frustrated with the situation that she now had to deal with, and also upset about the cat herself. I felt awful. I did the only thing I could think of and said “I’m really sorry, ma’am, and I know it won’t be the same, but if you’ll let me, I’d like to replace your cat.” She thought about it for a second and said “okay, but are you any good at catching mice?”

  • President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

“What happened to you?” asked Trump

“Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.”

“My God, what did you tell them?” asks Trump.

The driver replies, “I’m president Donald Trump’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”

  • A horse rider was riding along the road when he saw a person in a convertible going really fast

Finally the convertible stopped at a gas station. The rider came up and asked him, “Why are you driving so fast?”

The man responded,”my coolant system is broken, I drive fast to let the wind cool my engine.

The rider then rode off, pushing his horse faster and faster until finally it dropped dead.

“Darn, froze to death”

  • I got fired on my first day as a car salesman

Customer: “cargo space?”

Me: ” no, car no fly, car go roads”

Manager: ” can I see you in my office?”

  • They had a great origami store down the road…

But unfortunately it folded

  • I’ve been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now…

I’m trying to leave, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…

  • Why did the unicorn cross the road?

Because he wanted to get hit by a car.

As told by my 4 year old.

  • Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the morgue on the other side. He was called in to identify his wife who had been hit by a truck that morning, due to failing to ‘stop, look, and listen’ before crossing the aforementioned road.

  • Why did the rooster cross the road?

In these troubled times, it can be hard to truly understand anyone’s motivations. True, the grass is always greener on the other side, and one might cross the road in hopes that those pastures truly will be more full of bird seed and such. But in doing so, one risks not only the near certain death associated with being run over by a truck but also something much worse: Disappointment.

But should we instead stay where we are, never striving for more? Should we sit in our cozy hen houses, admiring the fat hens as they stride back and forth? Is not this its own form of death, ladled out in tiny little helpings of feed? Does not the the banality of happiness itself risk finally disappointing, as in the end nothing is achieved but the passage of too much of our too little time.

Are those roosters who cross the street therefore adventurers seeking more or just lost souls desperately running from the nothingness that fills them? What leads a rooster to be motivated to cross a road? What inner drive compels action in a world gone stale?

The answer, my friends, is that he was stapled to the chicken.

  • Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin are riding in a car in Crimea when suddenly they see a big bull blocking the road.

Roosevelt gets out of the car and asked the bull to move, but the bull doesn’t move. Churchill began to plead with the bull to move over, but the bull pays zero attention. Finally, Stalin walks over to the bull and whispers something in its ear, after which the bull sprints off into the distance. In the car, Roosevelt asks Stalin what he said to the bull.

“Oh, nothing much,” replied Stalin, “I told the bull if it doesn’t move over, I will send him to the collective farm.”

  • The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us.

He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone.

  • A snail was walking down the road when he spots these three heavily built, thuggish turtles following him…

He got scared and quickened his pace, made a few left and right turns to lose them. After 3 hours, quivering and shaking, he looked back and to his dismay they were still following him, and worse they were getting closer.

He was now running for his life as fast as he could, terrified and sweating. 3 more hours passed. He dared to look back again and now they were almost on top of him. He could literally feel their eyes on his back now.

After about 1 more hour, those turtles finally caught up with him and they mugged him, roughened him up and took all of his stuff and left. The snail, battered and broken made his way slowly to the nearest payphone to call the snail police.

Took him nearly half a day to get there. Then he spent about an hour searching his shells for the secret dollar he keeps hidden for situations just like these. He puts the dollar in and dials the police.

Snail: HELP! I’M BEING ROBBED, PLEASE HELP!

Police officer: Please calm down sir, and tell us precisely what happened? Where are you calling from?

Snail (crying): I don’t know…, it all just happened so fast!

  • Why wasn’t the fungus invited on the road trip?

Because there wasn’t mushroom.

Please don’t blame my seven year old for this, it was written by an adult.

  • How do roads multiply?

They fork

  • 95% of all Ford trucks made in the past 20 years are still on the road.
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The rest have been towed home.

  • Have you ever seen uncensored episodes of Road Runner?

If you do you’ll understand why they beeped him out.

  • 2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back.

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same – digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land.

One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked – are you guys mad or what ? What the hell are you doing ?

The guys replied. We are from the government Forest department. We are a three guy team. My job is to dig up a hole , the other guy plants a tree and this guy fills the hole back.

The middle guy called out sick today.

  • Cows were blocking the road on my way home.

I told them to Moooooooove

  • Why did Tulsi Gabbard cross the road?

She didn’t. She’s stuck in the middle.

  • Stopped to offer directions to a guy. Me: “Yup. Just head up the road until you reach that green…no, amber…no, red light”

I could have just said traffic light.

  • Driving down the road one day, a hillbilly sees a sign in front of a farm. MULE FOR SALE $50. He stops, talks to the farmer and buys the mule. Handing the farmer his $50, he says “I’ll be back tomorrow with my trailer and pick him up.” The hillbilly comes back the next day and the farmer has

some bad news. The mule has died.

“Well, just give me back the $50.”

“Can’t do that” says the farmer…”I already spent it.”

“OK, help me load it in the trailer.”

“What are you going to do with a dead mule?” asks the farmer.

“I’m going to raffle him off.”
<br>”How do you intend to do that?”

“Easy. I just won’t tell folks that the mule is dead.”

A couple of months later the hillbilly runs into the farmer.

“How did the raffle go?”

“Better than I expected. I sold 500 tickets at $1 each.”

“Did anybody complain?”

“Just the fellow who won but I gave him his dollar back.”</br

  • A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who also was a blonde…

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
“What does it look like?” she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”
The driver finally found a square mirror in… read more

  • A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. “Can I help you?

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.

“Hell no, and besides you are drunk” and slams the door shut.<br>
As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him.

“Don’t you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us?” “You should go outside and help the poor man.”

Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, “Do you still need a push?”

In the distance he hears a reply, “Yes Please.”

“Where are you?” to which he hears, “Over here on the swing set.”

  • If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then…

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen are defaulted

Florists are deflowered

Students are detested

Hostels are debunked

Spies are debugged and detailed

Corporations are deformed and delimited

Celibate people are delayed

Chauffeurs are derided

Record keepers are described

Plumbers are dethroned

Clerks are defiled

Traffic cops are defined

Naturists are denuded

Election officials are devoted

Accountants are decertified

Builders are deconstructed

Confused people are demystified

Intelligence officials are declassified

Interpreters for the deaf are designed

Road builders are degraded

Waiters are deserved

Horses put out to stud are desired

Castles are demoted

Organ donors are delivered

Anything certain is depending

And if you found this funny, you’re probably demented, defective and in denial

·       An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12-year-old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, who exclaims,” may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.” The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, who replies: ” no thanks, I’ll just wait till the Police get here!”

  • The movie theatre down the road from my house was robbed of $50,000 last night

The newspaper said that the suspects escaped with 2 large bags of popcorn, 2 candy bars and a large soda

  • Dad

 Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us? Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road? Son:why? Dad: To get to the other side but your mother only made it about halfway

  • Depression

 why did the depressed person cross the road.

to get ran over.

Top of Form

  • People

yo momma so fat that when she crossed the road people mistook her for a roundabout.

Top of Form

  • Depression

Why did i walk across the road?

to get hit by a car

Top of Form

  • Cross

How did the Dead baby cross the road? It was strapped to the chicken.

Top of Form

  • People

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read “its a bumpy road but soon u will have a straight path.” People didnt realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

Top of Form

  • Toilet Paper

Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the road?

It got stuck in a crack

Top of Form

  • Friend

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

Top of Form

  • Puns

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Top of Form

  • Hand

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said.

The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…”

Top of Form

  • Puns

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home there were signs everywhere

Top of Form

  • Die

why did the chicken cross the road.

to die

Top of Form

  • People

When I was in 4th grade, we wrote letters to kids in the hospital. I wrote: It is a bumpy road but soon it will be a straight path. Not many people know I was talking about their heart monitor.

Top of Form

  • Sadness

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was emotionally distressed after a break up and wanted to find some help at his friends pen, in the end he was run over by a car, marking a sad end to what might have been a good chickens life

Top of Form

  • Hand

How does Hellen Keller drive?

With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.Top of Form

  • Toilet Paper

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road Because it was stuck in a crack

Top of Form

  • Cross

Why did the turkey cross the road twice? To prove he wasn’t a chicken!

Top of Form

  • Man

Why did the one handed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand store!

  • Cow

Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the udder side.

Top of Form

  • Octopus

why did the octopus cross the road?

cuz he was on the same side as a sushi resturant

Online Source:-

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