The 20+ Best Gliding Jokes Collection For This Week

Here is The Best Gliding Jokes Collection Only For This Week .

  • Gliding Eagles

Two eagles were gliding at a high altitude and discussing life, when a F-15 fighter jet zooms above them. It throws them off course and ruffles up their feathers.

They calm down and get back on track gliding next to each other.

The first eagle, excitedly ‘Wow!! Now thats what I call speed!!’

The second eagle, calmly replies ‘Trust me. You would be flying that fast too if your sphincter was on fire.’

  • Two blondes went out deer hunting…

…and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pick up truck.

An experienced hunter saw them and said, “No, girls, you’re doing it wrong. You’re dragging against the grain of the deer’s hair. If you drag by the antlers, you’ll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier.”

So the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers. After about 20 minutes, one said to the other, “You know, that old guy was right! It’s so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it’s like it’s just gliding along the ground.”

“Yeah, he was,” said the other blonde. “But we sure are getting far away from our pick up.”

  • I Asked my Ouija board …

I asked my Ouija board if I was getting laid tonight.

The pointer keeps gliding back and forth between the H and the A. It’s been over half an hour now .

  • So Jesus and Moses go to play golf…

…and its the very first tee off. Jesus says to Moses, “Hey, I think I can make this first shot in one, right over the lake.”

“Only Tiger Woods could make that shot.” says Moses. So Jesus tries anyway, and his golf ball lands him right in the lake. So Moses parts the water, gives Jesus back his ball, and Jesus tries again.

“I can really do it this time” says Jesus, at which point Moses rolls his eyes…”only tiger woods has made that shot Jesus, I’m not parting the water for you again.”

Jesus goes for it, and this time, the golf ball indeed lands straight in the lake. Jesus rolls his eyes, and just decides to walk on the water to retrieve his golf ball.

As he is gliding over the water, some golfers come over the hill and shout “Hey! Look at that guy walking on water! Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ???”

“No,” says Moses, “he thinks he’s Tiger Woods.”

  • Extreme sports

Five men walk into a pet store and buy a hen, a parrot and a budgie. The next day they head to the top of a cliff, where the first man grabs the hen and jumps off the cliff, falling to his death. The second man nervously clutches the parrot and proceeds to jump off the cliff with it as well, also resulting in his untimely death. Man number three shrugs off the odds of his death, grabs the budgie and also creates a horrible mess on the rocks below. The fourth man observes all of this and admits to the last man:
“I consider myself a brave man, but don’t ever expect me to try hen-gliding, parrot-chuting or budgie-jumping anytime soon; it’s overrated.”

  • A lady is bargaining for a honeymoon package abroad..

Says the agent: “Check it out maam. 3 nights and 4 days in a cruise to Bahamas, all night party and casino environment with free booze. Just $2000 per couple. Hell of a deal.”

The lady: “Umm. Nice one. But do you have anything cheaper?”

The agent: “Sure maam. 4 nights and 5 days in Australia. Sea surfing, para gliding, 5 star hotel stay and kangaroo ride as well. Just $1500 per couple. Hell of a deal.”

The lady: “Wow. But still.. do have anything cheaper?”

The agent: “What about a 10 nights and 11 days in Europe, with dinner at Paris and breakfast in Vienna and lunch at London? Chauffeur driven limo, and stay in a castle in Austria. Its for free, with only one condition”

The lady: “Jesus Christ. This is the deal I wanted. Tell me the condition, right away!”

The agent: “The husband would be provided by us.”

  • New Zealand Humor

(Stolen unashamedly from a comment on Quora)

Some years ago the Pope was visiting New Zealand as part of a world tour.

On a day when he had a few hours to spare he asked if he could be shown one of the famous beaches of New Zealand, so his hosts took him to a beautiful, secluded beach on the South Island.

As the Pope and his entourage were walking along the pristine sand, a sudden commotion in the water caught everyone’s attention—a man wearing a green and gold top was seen to be swimming furiously towards shore, with a great white shark in hot pursuit.

Just as it appeared that the Australian was about to be torn to pieces by the shark, a motor boat carrying four men wearing All-Black tops rounded the point.

They ran their boat directly at the shark and stabbed it with grappling hooks just before the shark reached the Australian. They then carefully lifted the man from the water and gently placed him on the bottom of their boat before turning the boat to go around the point again, with the shark in tow.

The Pope asked his entourage to get their attention—he wanted to talk to these heroic New Zealanders who had rescued a foreigner, and an Australian at that, from certain death.

As requested, the Kiwis turned their boat towards shore and glided gently up on the sand, next to where the Pope was standing.

His Holiness was effusive in his praise, saying that he had heard about possible bad relations between Australians and New Zealanders, but that their prompt action was an inspiration to all mankind, showing how people could live in peace and harmony, and selflessly help each other when help was needed.

After the Pope and his entourage left, one of the Kiwis asked: ‘Who the heck was that?’

One of his mates replied: ‘That was the Pope. He has direct communication with God and knows all there is to know about doctrinal matters’.

‘Well’, said his companion, ‘he knows stuff all about shark fishing. Anyway, is that bait still all right, or do we need to get another one?’

  • What is green and glides down a mountain?

A skiwi

  • An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up
to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar across from the old golfer.
“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “ May I help you sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands really, really good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

  • A man was at the Grand canyon

As he sat watching, ten puns came walking up. They all started talking excitedly and strapping on wings. He asked them what they were doing and they said they were going to fly down the canyon. One by one they all jumped off and began to glide down. Suddenly a gust of wind struck and they dropped out of view. He quickly hiked down to see if any of them had survived. To his horror when he got to the bottom he discovered that no pun in ten did.

  • Honest Pilot

The aircraft I was flying in suddenly dropped out of the sky in heavy winds, glided just above the ocean surface skimming the water for a bit and eventually came to a stop on the surface.
The Captain was true to his word cos when we set off he said “ ……great weather today so it will be plain sailing all the way!”

  • Jack and Joe are in prison…

Jack and Joe are in prison, in separate cells, some distance away from each other. Sad little jail cells really, with only a solitary, tiny window to peek into the outside. So they pass the time as best they can by telling each other jokes.

One day, Jack asks , “Got any new jokes, Joe?”

“Sorry” Joe says. “I told you every joke I know months ago. You got anymore new jokes?”

Jack thinks for a moment and says, “Well… I do have one more joke. But it’s one of those jokes you gotta write down. It’s not funny when you say it out loud. Gotta draw a picture and stuff.”

Joe suggests, “Why don’t write it on a piece of paper, and throw it over here?”

Jack agrees, and spends all week collecting the perfect materials, rewriting the perfect joke, drawing the perfect accommodating picture, and shaping that joke into a perfectly aerodynamic and balanced paper plane.

On Friday evening, when the lights go out, and the guards are changing shifts, Jack tells Joe, “Ok! Here comes the joke!”

He tosses the paper plane, it sails across the prison hallway, slips between the prison cell bars, and glides directly towards Joe’s awaiting hands.

Just as Joe is about to grab the paper plane, it gets caught in an updraft. It bounces again the ceiling once, and then glides out the tiny cell window.

“Did you get the joke?” Jack asks.

“No, sorry!” Joe responds. “It went right over my head.”

  • The majestic lion
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Lions, as everyone knows, are the kings of the animal kingdom. Apex predators of the Serengiti, there are few who can stand steady in the face of their mighty roar.

Unfortunately for lions, however, they are rather limited in their mobility. When it comes to such places as ice, water, and air, the lion frame is generally unsuited to the catching and eating of things. And so we find the hero of our story, a majestic lion of the Serengiti, on the ground staring longingly at the skies above.

Every day, the eagles took to the winds. Twirling, spiraling, carefree as they glide above the treacherous world below. Healthy, plump, looking like a mighty fine meal to a lion, and yet so unattainable.

“I’ve had many things in life,” said the lion to no one in particular. “Gazelle, hyena, the occasional tourist. But what I wouldn’t give for a taste of eagle.”

Yet as he raced towards the nests on the rocks, time and time again, the eagles took flight and the lion remained hungry.

Until this day.

Flipping through the channels on TV, as lions are known to do, he discovered a remarkable tale of a wolf which dressed as a sheep.

“Perhaps,” he said, “if I made myself look like an eagle, they would spot me too late and I can finally claim my prize.”

And so the lion, scavenging from some leftover ostrich, fashioned himself a suit of feathers.

He donned his suit and raced towards the nests, but the eagles took notice. “That’s a very nice feather suit,” said the eagles from above. “But we notice these things.”

“I’m on the right track,” said the lion. “Perhaps some wings?”

And so the lion, using some sticks and the skin of a gazelle, built some wings to accompany his feathers.

And once again, the eagles fled. “Transparent,” they said. “An easy catch.”

Frustrated yet determined, the lion set to work on the final piece of his costume. Tearing the fenders from a broken-down truck in his mighty jaws, he gathered the materials he needed for a shining eagle beak.

As he made his final charge to the nest, the eagles spotted the ruse and took flight.

Enraged, the lion stripped away his costume and screamed to the skies.

“I have my eagle feathers. I have my eagle wings. I have my eagle beak. What’s left?”

And the eagles said,

“You can’t hide your lion eyes.”


  • A Frenchman, a Cuban, and a Texan are seated together on a plane…

The pilot announces an engine failure in their small commuter craft. Shortly after, the second engine fails. The pilot, in an attempt to drop dead weight instructs all luggage and passenger items to be thrown overboard.

It isn’t enough, they’re not gonna be able to glide to safety. The pilot calls for a few brave souls to make a sacrifice for the greater good.

The Frenchman stands stall and shouts “Vive la France!” before jumping out the plane.

The Cuban stands up as well and shouts “Viva la revolución” before jumping to his death.

Finally, the Texan stands proudly and says “Remember the Alamo” and throws a Mexican out the door.

  • Student Pilot

Cessna: ‘Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.’
Tower: ‘Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!’
Cessna: ‘Uh� tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is.

  • California Roll

A man driving approaches a stop sign and slows down to a cool 5 mph, rolls smoothly across the crosswalk, looks both ways, and glides forward when he sees the coast is clear.

Unbeknownst to him, a cop sees this and pulls him over on the next block.

The cop pulls the guy out of the car and starts beating him.

The guy starts yelling “Stop! STOP!! What are you doing?! Stop!!!”

“Oh I’m sorry, did you want me to stop or slow down?”

  • Three hookers were sitting on a bar.

They chat for a while about work, when one of them ssays. “I can fit a glass up in my (you know)” the other one replies. “thats nothing, i can fit a bottle up in my (you know)” thats when the third starts to giggle. “whats so funny?” the other two ask. “ohh nothing” she says as she slowly glide down on the barstool.

  • Poverty and Chastity

In January I spent a couple of days at a Benedictine monastery in California. It was a gorgeous place, with a courtyard garden full of fragrant orange trees and a retreat house full of antiques. When I first came through the door, one of the brothers glided up to me and said, “I know what you’re thinking: ‘If this is poverty, I can’t wait to see chastity!”

  • How gliders fly is kind of a mystery to me…

But I guess they have potential.

  • The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the subject of flying:

There is an art, it says, or rather, a knack to flying.

The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. Pick a nice day, it suggests, and try it. The first part is easy. All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and willingness not to mind that it’s going to hurt. That is, it’s going to hurt if you fail to miss the ground. Most people fail to miss the ground, and if they are really trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hard.

Clearly, it is this second part, the missing, which presents the difficulties.

One problem is that you have to miss the ground accidentally. It’s no good deliberately intending to miss the ground because you won’t. You have to have your attention suddenly distracted by something else when you’re halfway there, so that you are no longer thinking about falling, or about the ground, or about how much it’s going to hurt if you fail to miss it.

It is notoriously difficult to prise your attention away from these three things during the split second you have at your disposal. Hence most people’s failure, and their eventual disillusionment with this exhilarating and spectacular sport.

If, however, you are lucky enough to have your attention momentarily distracted at the crucial moment by, say, a gorgeous pair of legs (tentacles, pseudopodia, according to phyllum and/or personal inclination) or a bomb going off in your vicinity, or by suddenly spotting an extremely rare species of beetle crawling along a nearby twig, then in your astonishment you will miss the ground completely and remain bobbing just a few inches above it in what might seem to be a slightly foolish manner.

This is a moment for superb and delicate concentration. Bob and float, float and bob. Ignore all considerations of your own weight and simply let yourself waft higher.

Do not listen to what anybody says to you at this point because they are unlikely to say anything helpful. They are most likely to say something along the lines of, ‘Good God, you can’t possibly be flying!’ It is vitally important not to believe them or they will suddenly be right. Waft higher and higher. Try a few swoops, gentle ones at first, then drift above the treetops breathing regularly. DO NOT WAVE AT ANYBODY.

When you have done this a few times you will find the moment of distraction rapidly becomes easier and easier to achieve. You will then learn all sorts of things about how to control your flight, your speed, your manoeuvrability, and the trick usually lies in not thinking too hard about whatever you want to do, but just allowing it to happen as if it was going to anyway.

You will also learn about how to land properly, which is something you will almost certainly cock up, and cock up badly, on your first attempt. There are private flying clubs you can join which help you achieve the all-important moment of distraction. They hire people with surprising bodies or opinions to leap out from behind bushes and exhibit and/or explain them at the critical moments. Few genuine hitch-hikers will be able to afford to join these clubs, but some may be able to get temporary employment at them.

— Douglas Adams, ‘The Hitch-Hikers Guide To The Galaxy,’ which I heard as a kid on BBC radio 4 the first time it was broadcast. Since then its been a four-book trilogy and a TV show.

  • [Spoiler]

A flap on the wing of an aircraft or glider that can be projected in order to create drag and so reduce speed.

Like a good chef.

Online Source:-

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