TOP 60+ BEST FUNNY TRAIN JOKES COLLECTION

Find The Best Funny Train Jokes If Your Answers Is Yes. Here Is A Big List Of Funny Train Jokes Collection For This Week.

  • What is the difference between a school teacher and a steam locomotive?

The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”

  • Two drunk men walk on a railway

The first guy says: This stairs are neverending!
Other guy: Don’t worry there’s the elevator comming!

  • Due to COVID-19, North Korea has shut down all of its air and railway routes across its borders with China, and is keeping all foreigners arriving in the country via China isolated for up to one month.

TIL People are trying to get into North Korea.

  • Why was the German afraid of the railway crossing?

There was a Freight Train.

  • How can you tell a train just went by?

You can see it’s tracks!

  • How did the locomotive get so good at it’s job?

Training

  • How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers!

  • How do you find a missing train?

Follow the tracks.

  • Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Quintus.

Quintus who?

Quintus the next train arrive?

  • Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Wenceslas.

Wenceslas who?

Wenceslas train home?

  • What do you call a locomotive with a cold?

Achoo achoo train.

  • What do you call a pretend railway?

A play station

  • What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum?

A chew-chew train.

  • What do you call a train that eats toffee?

A chew, chew train.

  • What do you call a train that sneezes?

Achoo-choo train.

  • What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home?

He had to give it back!

  • What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing?

 It’s Shadow

  • What kind of a car does a crazy man drive?

A LOCOmotive.

  • When does a rabbit go exactly as fast as a train?

When it’s on the train.

  • A blonde is walking beside a railway track.

A brunette passes her on the tracks skipping and singing “21, 21, 21…”
The blonde eagerly asks “May I join you?”
The brunette nods, and says, “You may, but only if you can REALLY concentrate.”
“I can do that!” exclaims the blonde happily. And so, they both proceed to skip along the middle of the track, singing “21, 21, 21…”
After some time, the brunette hears the whistle of a coming train behind them. So, she steps off the track. However, the blonde is concentrating so deeply on the singing and skipping, she is oblivious to fhe danger behind her. She is struck by the train, and is killed instantly.
Once the train has passed, the brunette steps back onto the track. She resumes skipping down the track, and begins to sing again.
“22, 22, 22…”

  • A Latino gang member has received poor customer service at the railway station, so he vandalised one of the train engines in revenge.

It was a loco motive.

  • A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: “You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you’ll have to give us a damn good reason.”
Man: “She was so stupid, I just had to kill her.”
Judge: “That is even worse. If you don’t want to be declared guilty on the spot, you better give us a plausible reason.”
Man: Well it happened like this. We live in this apartment complex and the property manager lives in the first floor with his family. The kids all have a growth deficiency.
So one day, my wife comes up and says: Those little kids, they look like pyrenees.
So I say: You mean pygmy.
“No”, says my wife. Pygmy is what you have under your skin, it causes freckles.
“That’s pigment”, I say.
So she says “No, pigment is what the ancient Romans were writing on.”
I sigh and say: “No, that’s parchment!”.
“No”, says she, “parchment is an unfinished sentence”.
“Your honor, you can imagine, I swallowed the ‘fragment’, I got back to my armchair and my newspaper. But then suddenly she’s back with a book, and she says:
I should know, I got a legionnaire for my french lessons.
I say: “You mean a lector”.
“No”, says my wife, “Lector was an ancient Greek hero.”
I say: “That was Hector, and he was a Trojan.”
“Nope”, says she, “Hector is a measure of area.”
“That’d be hectare”
“No! Hectare is the drink of the gods!”
“That’d be nectar”.
“No”, says she, “the Nectar is a river in southern Germany.”
So I say: “That’s the Neckar.”
She says: “No, I must know, there’s even a song about it. I recently sung it in a duo with my friend”
I say: “It’s a duet”
She replies, “No, that’s when two men are fighting with a saber.”
“That’s a duel”, I say.
“No, a duel is where a railway goes through a mountain!”
Well, your honor, so I took a hammer and beat her to death…
There was a long silence, shocked faces.
Finally the judge says: Not guilty. I would have killed her at “Hector”.

  • What do you need to cause a railway accident in Mexico?

A loco-motive.

  • What do you get if you cross a road with a railway?

A railway crossing.

  • When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up…

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song became really popular and every Christmas the Mexican people can still be heard singing about ‘Flea’s Navvy Dad’

  • A group of railway trespassers got hit and killed…

They won’t trespass again now that they’ve been trained.

  • I wanted to be an engineer for Canadian pacific railways…

But they said they couldn’t train me.

  • At the train station…

Lady: Excuse me Sir, is this my train?

Conductor: No Ma’am, it belongs to the Railway Station Company.

Lady: Don’t be funny. What I’m trying to ask is if I can take this train to Busan.

Conductor: No Ma’am, it’s too heavy.

  • Two men were walking through the woods when they came across a big deep hole.
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Two men were walking through the woods when they came across a big deep hole.

‘Wow … that looks deep,’ says one. ‘Let’s toss a few pebbles in and see how deep it is.’
They threw in a few pebbles and waited, but there was no sound.

‘Gee – that is a really deep hole. Let’s throw one of these big rocks in. That should make a noise.’
They picked up two football-sized rocks and tossed them into the hole and waited, but still they heard nothing.

‘There’s a railway sleeper over here in the weeds,’ said one.
‘If we toss that in, it’s definitely going to make some noise.’

They dragged the heavy sleeper over to the hole and heaved it in, but not a sound came from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appeared, running like the wind. It rushed towards the two men and ran right between them, running as fast as its legs could go. Then it leaped into the air and disappeared into the hole.

The two men stood there, astonished at what they’d just seen.
Out of the woods came a farmer who said, ‘Hey! Did you guys see my goat?’
‘You bet we did! It was the craziest thing we’ve ever seen! It came running like the wind out of the woods and jumped into that hole!’

‘Nah,’ says the farmer. ‘That couldn’t have been my goat.
My goat was chained to a railway sleeper!’

  • Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.

The first drunk says, “There’s a hell of a lot of steps here.”
The second drunk says, “I’ll tell you what’s worse, this hand rail is bloody low down”

  • When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, “There’s a train coming. There’s a train coming.” We’d always eat it because we knew that if we didn’t she wouldn’t untie us from the railway line.

  • I was thinking of becoming a railway conductor…

Then I thought of all the training.

  • A joke from my scout troop a while back.

Jim had always wanted to run a train. It was his dream since he was a child. His mind was set and no other career moved him the way a train had. He did well in school, and when he was accepted to the local Railway school, he was stoked.

4 years later, he had his first job of running the train, and he could not contain his excitement. He went all along the tracks, left and right, forward and back, until he hit something on the rail and the train flew off the tracks, causing a disaster.

Jim was sentenced to death, executed by an electric chair. When asked for a last meal, Jim simply replied: “I will have one banana.” After finishing his banana, he was sent to the chair. However, it didn’t work. The electric chair had no effect.

Jim was set free by the police force, and got a job at another train station. He sped along the tracks, he simply could not contain his excitement! However, he was careless and crashed into another train.

Jim, imprisoned again, was sentenced to death, by the electric chair. “What would you like for your final meal?” the chief of police asked. Jim simply replied “I would like two bananas.” He finished his bananas and was again strapped to the electric chair, only to have it fail again. Jim was set free again.

Another train station had a job opening and Jim applied again. He went all over the tracks, left and right, until he ran over a man.

Sent to death again, Jim had one request for his final meal. “I will have three bananas.” After consuming his bananas, he was sent to the electric chair. He survived the biggest shock of his life.

“I don’t get it,” the chief of police said. “This electric chair is our best piece of machinery, yet you’ve survived three times. How do you do it? Is it the bananas you keep eating?”

“Oh, it’s nothing,” said Jim.

“I’m just a bad conductor.”

  • 5 Doctors and 5 Engineers are travelling by rail from Pune to Mumbai.

They gather at Pune Railway Station.

Both groups desperately try to prove their superiority.

SCENE 1 (PUNE-MUMBAI):
————————————–
5 Engineers buy only 1 ticket, and 5 doctors buy 5 tickets. doctors are desperately waiting for TC to come

When TC arrives, all 5 Engineers get into one toilet, so when TC knocks, one hand comes out with the ticket and the TC goes away.

On the return journey, they don’t get a direct train to Pune, so both group decide to take a passenger train till Lonavala, from there they can easily get a Local Train to Pune.

SCENE 2 (MUMBAI-LONAVALA):
——————————————–

Doctorss decided, “This time, we will prove that we are smarter”.

5 doctors buy 1 ticket, Engineers don’t buy any ticket at all ! TC arrives

All doctor IN ONE TOILET.

ALL Engineers IN THE OPPOSITE TOILET.

One Engineer gets out and knocks the door of doctor toilet.

One doctor’s hand comes out with the tickets,

Engineer takes the ticket and enters toilet.

TC drives out all the doctor from the toilet,

And they are heavily fined.

SCENE 3 (LONAVALA):
——————————-
Now, both the groups are at LONAVALA Railway Station.

Doctors are planning their move for a last chance, They board the local train to Pune.

This time, doctors decide that they will play the same (1 ticket) trick.

ALL doctors take 1 ticket

Engineers buy 5 tickets.

TC Comes. All Engineers show their tickets,

AND Doctors are still searching for toilet in the Local train!!!!!

  • Girl on the tracks

Greaser Bob swaggered up to his favourite bar, and called for a beer.

As the bartender reached for a fresh glass, he observed: “You look pleased with yourself, Greaser Bob. Did you win the lottery?”

Greaser Bob said: “On my way home from here last night, I had to cross the railway, and I came across a girl tied to the tracks. So I untied her, and brought her home, and we had a fantastic night.”

The barkeep was shocked, and reflected: “I cannot imagine anything as terrifying as being lashed onto the cold steel rails, waiting with dread for the distant whistle then the vibration of the oncoming train, and desperately hoping that someone would come along to help. She must have been really grateful! Tell me, is she pretty?”

Greaser Bob replied: “Hard to say. It was dark, and I never did find her head.”

  • Remain Calm 🙂
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An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, “I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah.”

To which the call centre employee replied, “Remain calm and stay on the line

  • Reading between the lines can be quite dangerous

Especially if you are at a railway station

  • worst day

A small man sits in a bar with his beer. Suddenly another, larger man comes into the bar walks up to the small one hits him on the shoulder grabs his beer and drinks it in one shot. The small one then starts to cry horrible. The other man who feels sorry for him now says: “Hey man, it’s just a beer, i’ll get you another”
The small man continues crying and replies: “Just a beer? Then listen what happened to me today.
I got fired, my wife left me, got thrown out of my house, my bank account got closed. I decided to take my life.
I want to cut my wrists, knife blunt.
I lay on the railway, dead track.
I want to hang myself, rope tears.
Now I buy beer with my last money left pour poison into it, and you take it away and drink it”

  • Signalman

Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector puts this question to him: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?”

Gary says, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.”

“What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector.

“Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Gary, “and I’d use the manual lever over there.”

“What if that had been struck by lightning?”

“Then,” Gary continues, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was engaged?”

“Well in that case,” persevered Gary, “I’d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.”

“What if that was vandalized?”

“Oh well, then I’d run into town and get my uncle Bill.”

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

  • Railroad President

At a station stop, the railroad’s president walked up to the locomotive and spoke to the engineer. “You were going 65 mph and the speed limit is only 60 mph, I saw it myself on the speedometer in the business car!” After a heated exchange, the engineer finally said “You couldn’t possibly have been going 65, my speedometer said 60 mph and we never saw you go by us!” Railroad Tracks Two drunks were walking upgrade between the railroad tracks. One of them said, “This is is longest stairway I have ever been on.” To this, the other replied, “It’s not the stairs that bother me, it’s the low banister.”

  • The famous joke from eastern europe. Depicting a stereotypic slooow estonian character.

An Estonian stands by a railway track.

Another Estonian passes by on a handcar, pushing the pump up and down.

The first one asks: “Is it a long way to Tallinn?”

“Not too long.”

He gets on the car and joins pushing the pump up and down.

After two hours of silent pumping the first Estonian asks again: “Is it a long way still to Tallinn?”

“Now, it is very long way to Tallinn.”

  • The Flying Scotsman

Alex Salmond’s colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him, so an official went to the National Railway Museum at York to investigate the possibilities.

“There are a number of locomotives at the NRM without names,” a consultant told the official, but they are mostly freight locomotives.”


“Oh dear, a freight locomotive is not very fitting for a party leader,” said Sir Humphrey. “How about that big green one, over there?” he said, pointing to the ‘Flying Scotsman’.

“That one has already got a name” said the consultant. “It’s called ‘The Flying Scotsman’.”

“Oh well. Couldn’t we rename it ?” asked the official.

“I suppose for Alex Salmond it might be considered,” said the consultant.

“That’s excellent”, said the official, “So that’s settled then…let’s look at re-naming ‘The Flying Scotsman’. How much will it cost? Remember we can’t spend too much, given the expenses scandal!”

“Well”, said the consultant, “Why don’t we just paint out the ‘F’.”

  • Young Woman

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a young woman. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, “If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs.” The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, “If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I’ll show you my thighs,”. And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, “If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.” All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance. That’s the hospital where I had it done!”

  • A German joke
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An old man was travelling by train from his hometown of Offenburg to visit family in Frankfurt am Main. It was quite a journey for him, since he never got around much.

At one time the conductor walks by yelling “HEIDELBERG, GET OFF!” The man thinks, “That’s my name!” and gets off the train marvelling at the wonders of modern technology that allow the railway companies to remind passengers by name where they have to change.

While on the platform he hears “HEIDELBERG, COME IN!” and hastily boards the other train. He sits down and since he’s in an unusually good mood, he begins to chat up another passenger. “Where are you going?,” he asks. “To Regensburg,” sounded the reply.

The old man slaps his knees, and says excitedly “What a time to be alive! I’m going to Frankfurt, you’re going to Regensburg, and we’re both on the one same train!”

  • What wobbles when it flies?

A jellicopter!

  • What do you call a train that eats toffee?

A chew, chew train.

  • Why is the railroad angry?

Because people are always crossing it!

  • Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted?

Because he’s not a conductor!

  • Why can’t a steam locomotive sit down?

Because it has a tender behind

  • How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but to no avail. He first punches a hole in the new bulb.

  • A Latino gang member has received poor customer service at the railway station, so he vandalised one of the train engines in revenge.

It was a loco motive.

  • At the train station…

Lady: Excuse me Sir, is this my train?

Conductor: No Ma’am, it belongs to the Railway Station Company.

Lady: Don’t be funny. What I’m trying to ask is if I can take this train to Busan.

Conductor: No Ma’am, it’s too heavy.

  • 5 Doctors and 5 Engineers are travelling by rail from Pune to Mumbai.

They gather at Pune Railway Station.

Both groups desperately try to prove their superiority.

SCENE 1 (PUNE-MUMBAI):
————————————–
5 Engineers buy only 1 ticket, and 5 doctors buy 5 tickets. doctors are desperately waiting for TC to come

When TC arrives, all 5 Engineers get into one toilet, so when TC knocks, one hand comes out with the ticket and the TC goes away.

On the return journey, they don’t get a direct train to Pune, so both group decide to take a passenger train till Lonavala, from there they can easily get a Local Train to Pune.

SCENE 2 (MUMBAI-LONAVALA):
——————————————–

Doctorss decided, “This time, we will prove that we are smarter”.

5 doctors buy 1 ticket, Engineers don’t buy any ticket at all ! TC arrives

All doctor IN ONE TOILET.

ALL Engineers IN THE OPPOSITE TOILET.

One Engineer gets out and knocks the door of doctor toilet.

One doctor’s hand comes out with the tickets,

Engineer takes the ticket and enters toilet.

TC drives out all the doctor from the toilet,

And they are heavily fined.

SCENE 3 (LONAVALA):
——————————-
Now, both the groups are at LONAVALA Railway Station.

Doctors are planning their move for a last chance, They board the local train to Pune.

This time, doctors decide that they will play the same (1 ticket) trick.

ALL doctors take 1 ticket

Engineers buy 5 tickets.

TC Comes. All Engineers show their tickets,

AND Doctors are still searching for toilet in the Local train!!!!!

  • Reading between the lines can be quite dangerous

Especially if you are at a railway station

  • When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up…

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song became really popular and every Christmas the Mexican people can still be heard singing about ‘Flea’s Navvy Dad’

  • I wanted to be an engineer for Canadian pacific railways…

But they said they couldn’t train me.

  • Signalman

Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector puts this question to him: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?”

Gary says, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.”

“What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector.

“Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Gary, “and I’d use the manual lever over there.”

“What if that had been struck by lightning?”

“Then,” Gary continues, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was engaged?”

“Well in that case,” persevered Gary, “I’d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.”

“What if that was vandalized?”

“Oh well, then I’d run into town and get my uncle Bill.”

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

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