TOP 100+ BEST FUNNY SWEDISH JOKES COLLECTION

Find The Best Funny Swedish Jokes If Your Answers Is Yes. Here Is A Big List Of Funny Crabs Jokes Collection For This Week.

  • Want to hear a Swedish joke?

Nevermind. There’s Norway I could Finnish it.

  • Why don’t Scandinavians need sugar?

Because they already have artificial Swedeners.

  • How does every Swedish joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.

  • Whats the difference between a smart Swede and a unicorn?

Nothing, they’re both fictional characters

  • Why wasn’t Jesus born in Sweden?

He couldn’t find 3 wise men or a virgin.

  • What time was it when the monster ate the Prime Minister of Sweden?

Eight P.M.

  • I asked my Swedish friend “Who are the dumbest Scandinavians?

He said “Norway am I going to answer that question.”

  • What do Scandinavians eat with their burgers?

Swede potato fries.

  • Where do desserts go on holiday?

Scone-dinavia.

  • Why did the vampire like eating Scandinavians?

He had a Swede tooth.

  • Why do Swedes always drink their milk in the store?

Because on the box it says “oppnas har”.

  • What did Elin Nordegren wish Tiger Woods before she hit him with a golf club?

Swede dreams.

A Swede was reading the phonebook, “Forsberg… Forsberg… Forsberg… It’s incredible how many phone numbers that guy has.”

  • What does SAAB stand for?

 Swedish Autos Always Breakdown.

  • What do you call a cat that can put together furniture from Ikea?

An Assembly kit.

  • What happens when a blonde moves from Sweden to Norway?

The average IQ in both countries goes up.

  • How many Swedish people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I have no IKEA.

  • English: A dog.

Swedish: What?

English: The dog.

English: Two dogs.

Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, Två hundar, hundarna.

German: Wait, I wan’t to try it too!

English: No, go away.

Swedish: No one invited you. <br>
German: Der Hund.

English: I said go away.

German: Ein Hund, zwei Hunde.

Swedish: Stop it!

German: Den Hund, einen Hund, dem Hund, einem Hund, des Hundes, eines Hundes, den Hunden, der Hunden.

Finnish: Sup.

English: NO.

Swedish: NO.

German: NO. Finn, you go away!!

Finnish: Koira, koiran, koiraa, koiran again, koirassa, koirasta, koiraan, koiralla, koiralta, koiralle, koirana, koiraksi, koiratta, koirineen, koirin.

German: WHAT?

Swedish: You must be kidding us!

English: This must be a joke…

Finnish: Aaaand… koirasi, koirani, koiransa, koiramme, koiranne, koiraani, koiraasi, koiraansa, koiraamme, koiraanne, koirassani, koirassasi, koirassansa, koirassamme, koirassanne, koirastani, koirastasi, koirastansa, koirastamme, koirastanne, koirallani, koirallasi, koirallansa, koirallamme, koirallanne, koiranani, koiranasi, koiranansa, koiranamme, koirananne, koirakseni, koiraksesi, koiraksensa, koiraksemme, koiraksenne, koirattani, koirattasi, koirattansa, koirattamme, koirattanne, koirineni, koirinesi, koirinensa, koirinemme, koirinenne.

English: Those are words for a dog???

Finnish: Wait! I didn’t stop yet. There is still: koirakaan, koirankaan, koiraakaan, koirassakaan, koirastakaan, koiraankaan, koirallakaan, koiraltakaan, koirallekaan, koiranakaan, koiraksikaan, koirattakaan, koirineenkaan, koirinkaan, koirako, koiranko, koiraako, koirassako, koirastako, koiraanko, koirallako, koiraltako, koiralleko, koiranako, koiraksiko, koirattako, koirineenko, koirinko, koirasikaan, koiranikaan, koiransakaan, koirammekaan, koirannekaan, koiraanikaan, koiraasikaan, koiraansakaan, koiraammekaan, koiraannekaan, koirassanikaan, koirassasikaan, koirassansakaan, koirassammekaan, koirassannekaan, koirastanikaan, koirastasikaan, koirastansakaan, koirastammekaan, koirastannekaan, koirallanikaan, koirallasikaan, koirallansakaan, koirallammekaan, koirallannekaan, koirananikaan, koiranasikaan, koiranansakaan, koiranammekaan, koiranannekaan, koiraksenikaan, koiraksesikaan, koiraksensakaan, koiraksemmekaan, koiraksennekaan, koirattanikaan, koirattasikaan, koirattansakaan, koirattammekaan, koirattannekaan, koirinenikaan, koirinesikaan, koirinensakaan, koirinemmekaan, koirinennekaan, koirasiko, koiraniko, koiransako, koirammeko, koiranneko, koiraaniko, koiraasiko, koiraansako, koiraammeko, koiraanneko, koirassaniko, koirassasiko, koirassansako, koirassammeko, koirassanneko, koirastaniko, koirastasiko, koirastansako, koirastammeko, koirastanneko, koirallaniko, koirallasiko, koirallansako, koirallammeko, koirallanneko, koirananiko, koiranasiko, koiranansako, koiranammeko, koirananneko, koirakseniko, koiraksesiko, koiraksensako, koiraksemmeko, koiraksenneko, koirattaniko, koirattasiko, koirattansako, koirattammeko, koirattanneko, koirineniko, koirinesiko, koirinensako, koirinemmeko, koirinenneko, koirasikaanko, koiranikaanko, koiransakaanko, koirammekaanko, koirannekaanko, koiraanikaanko, koiraasikaanko, koiraansakaanko, koiraammekaanko, koiraannekaanko, koirassanikaanko, koirassasikaanko, koirassansakaanko, koirassammekaanko, koirassannekaanko, koirastanikaanko, koirastasikaanko, koirastansakaanko, koirastammekaanko, koirastannekaanko, koirallanikaanko, koirallasikaanko, koirallansakaanko, koirallammekaanko, koirallannekaanko, koirananikaanko, koiranasikaanko, koiranansakaanko, koiranammekaanko, koiranannekaanko, koiraksenikaanko, koiraksesikaanko, koiraksensakaanko, koiraksemmekaanko, koiraksennekaanko, koirattanikaanko, koirattasikaanko, koirattansakaanko, koirattammekaanko, koirattannekaanko, koirinenikaanko, koirinesikaanko, koirinensakaanko, koirinemmekaanko, koirinennekaanko, koirasikokaan, koiranikokaan, koiransakokaan, koirammekokaan, koirannekokaan, koiraanikokaan, koiraasikokaan, koiraansakokaan, koiraammekokaan, koiraannekokaan, koirassanikokaan, koirassasikokaan, koirassansakokaan, koirassammekokaan, koirassannekokaan, koirastanikokaan, koirastasikokaan, koirastansakokaan, koirastammekokaan, koirastannekokaan, koirallanikokaan, koirallasikokaan, koirallansakokaan, koirallammekokaan, koirallannekokaan, koirananikokaan, koiranasikokaan, koiranansakokaan, koiranammekokaan, koiranannekokaan, koiraksenikokaan, koiraksesikokaan, koiraksensakokaan, koiraksemmekokaan, koiraksennekokaan, koirattanikokaan, koirattasikokaan, koirattansakokaan, koirattammekokaan, koirattannekokaan, koirinenikokaan, koirinesikokaan, koirinensakokaan, koirinemmekokaan, koirinennekokaan.

Swedish: Breath!!

German: Whattaaa?

English: Okay, now you’re just making things up!

Finnish: And now the plural forms…..

English: WHAT?!?!</br

  • My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He’s eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first pub he sees and is greeted by the bartender. The bartender says, “Hey there, what can I do you for?”

The Swede, eager to take his English for a spin in this new country, orders his favorite drink: “I’ll take a yin, please!”

The bartender grows visibly upset. “Yin? Yin?! What the hell is that? You’re another one o’ them lousy immigrants coming through that don’t know no good English. Get outta here and don’t come back till you can order a drink proper!”

The Swede leaves, feeling distraught, and instead finds work and lodging, putting the drink aside for now. Every night when he returns home from work, he practices his English in the mirror.

“Yin. Yin. Yyy…inn. Jyinn. Jjjiiinn. Gyiin. Giin. Gin. Gin! Gin! GIN!”

After weeks of practice, he’s ready. The Swede goes back to that same bar he entered when he first arrived in America. The bar tender recognizes him immediately. “Hey, it’s you again!” he yells. “I thought I told you to–“

But the Swede raises a hand and calmly interrupts. “Yes, I know. I would like to order a _gin_, please.”

The bar tender is speechless! A smile grows on his face, and he says, “well, would you look at that? You’ve learned quite a bit! Alright, I’ll get you that _gin_, sure thing. What would you like it with?”

The Swede answers, “yinyerale!”

  • A swedish reporter traveled to Finland during WW2 to interview a finnish soldier…

Once in Finland, he found a soldier sitting outside some tents.
The reporter sat down beside the man and asked:
”Can you tell me how you feel about beeing a finnish soldier?”

Well, the soldier said, as a finnish soldier you have two alternatives.
Either you live or you die.
If you live, you’re screwed.
But if you die, you have two alternatives.

Either you get buried in a single grave or a mass grave.
If you get buried in a single grave, you are screwed.
But if you get buried in a mass grave you have two alternatives.

Either you end up in the bottom of the grave or you get put on the top.
If you end up on the bottom, you are screwed. But if you are put on top, you have two alternatives.

Either you grow up to be a flower or you grow up to a tree.
If you grow up to be a flower you are screwed. But if you grow up as a tree, you have two alternatives.

Either you become firewood or you become paper.
If you become firewood, you are screwed.
But if you become paper, you have two alternatives.

Either you end up as a newspaper or toiletpaper.
If you end up as newspaper, you are screwed.
But if you end up as toiletpaper, you have two alternatives.

Either you get put in the mens room or the ladies room.
If you get put in the mens room, you are screwed.
But if you get put in the ladies room, you have two alternatives.

Either you get wiped in the back or the front.
If you get wiped in the back, you are screwed.
But if you get wiped in the front, then I am PROUD to have been a finnish soldier.

  • Swedish astronomer Andres Celcius died in 1744 at the age of 43

Though his rival, Fahrenheit, was convinced he was 103.

  • Finnish, swedish and norwegian went to bar

because life sucks and alcohol is their way to escape it.

  • What did the Swedish hedge say to the other Swedish hedge?

Hej!

  • Why do Swedish ships have barcodes on them?

So that when they pull into port they can Scandinavian.

  • Why does the Swedish navy have bar codes on the sides of their ships ?

So that when they come back to port, they can scandinavian.

  • How a swedish man threatens..

If you don’t hand over the money… Ikea ya!

  • Swedish Man: What’s 2+2?

Me: uh… 4

Swedish Man: FJOUR MAMA!

  • What do you call a Swedish baby with no heartbeat?

Still Bjorn.

  • What sound does a Swedish goose make?

HJONK

  • Nothing beats the Swedish summer…

it’s simply the best day of the year.

  • What do you call somebody who says they are Swedish but really aren’t?

An artificial Swedener

  • A young Swedish woman, old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding a train.

A young Swedish woman, an old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding on a train.
The train goes through a tunnel, it becomes pitch black in the car, and then a loud SMACK is heard.
The train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek.
The old Dutch woman thinks: “He must have groped the young Swedish woman, and she slapped him.”
The young Swedish woman thinks: “He must have tried to grope me, and accidentally got the old woman, and she slapped him.”
The Englishman thinks: “The Irishman must have groped the Swedish girl, and she accidentally slapped me.”
The Irishman thinks: “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can smack that English guy again.”

  • Watched a talent show audition and of course before this guy gets up to sing he has to go on and on about how his Swedish car broke down on the way there and he has no way home, etc.

I wish people could just sing without telling a Saab story.

  • i’m tired of hearing how Swedish cars are made…

it’s such a Saab story.

  • As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.

The Doctors were trying to convince me, I’m actually a Swedish bloke who had forgotten his identity…

But I wasn’t Bjorn yesterday!

  • Finished!

An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while… He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?” After a slight pause. She replies, “No.” Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first… and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?” And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.” Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent. Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?” “No. I’m Swedish.”

  • Could someone please tell me why people are comparing Greta Thunberg with the US president?

It’s impudent and just wrong. One is an angry, attention-seeking child that yells at foreign leaders on international conferences and never does anything that actually helps.

The other one is a Swedish climate activist.

  • Dad joke a la meatball

I was recently out with some friends at a buffet restaurant.

I ate this Swedish meatball and said, “This tastes more Norwegian to me.”

My friend replied immediately, “How could you possibly know that?”

I replied, “I was going to tell you, but you didn’t let me Finnish!”

  • Did you hear the one about the Swedish Buddhist?

Someone said he was Bjorn again…and again…and again…

  • What is it called when you eat a whole bag of Swedish Berries?
OMG!  TOP 20+ BEST FUNNY RECORDER JOKES COLLECTION FOR THIS WEEK

Finnish Berries

  • I totaled my swedish car today…

But you don’t want to hear my Saab story.

  • If a Swedish clown goes Hjönk, what does a French clown go?

On strike.

  • My dad’s favourite joke (he always does this with the accents)

An Englishman in Sweden goes to the chemist:

Englishman – “I’d like to buy deodorant please” Swedish chemist – “Ball or aerosol?”
Englishman – “No, armpits”

  • A Swedish man was walking through London

A Swedish man was walking through London when he stopped a pedestrian.

“I’m sorry to bother you, sir, but I was wondering if you could answer a question about your language?”

“Why not?” The Englishman responded. “Go ahead.”

“You see,” the Swedish man said, “I’m a bit confused about the ‘ough’ sound. In ‘through’, it makes an ‘oo’ sound. In ‘plough’, it makes an ‘ow’ sound. And in ‘though’ it makes an ‘oh’ sound. I just can’t figure it out.”

The Englishman just chuckled and said, “Tough.”

  • The Spitting Cobra’s venom can make you go blind. What Swedish snake can help you see more clearly?

The Vindshield Viper!

  • A Swedish woman, two Swedish men and another Swedish woman…

…walk into ABBA…

  • Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?

So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.

  • Swedish superstition

An American woman is married to a Swedish guy. Their marriage is otherwise happy but (i) they are both in Reddit and (ii) she has noticed that every now and then he seems to disappear in the middle of the night and come back with a strange smell about him.
Then one night she’s not quite asleep yet when she notices him getting out of the bed. She sneaks after him and sees him climb the ladder to the attic. Heart pounding she follows, staying in the shadows. She sees him standing next to a noose that dangles from the balks, and caressing the rope with … a bit of cheese?!
Voice trembling she steps to the light.
“Now what on EARTH do you think you’re doing?!”
“Oh it’s you. This is just an ancient Swedish trick I learned from my great-grandmother. I’ve told you that the Swedish word for “cheese” is “ost”, haven’t I?”
“I su-suppose so, yes.”
“And the Swedish word for “rope” is “rep”. You see, in Sweden the old folks say that rep-osting at midnight gives you good karma.”

  • Old swedish joke

There was a Norwegian submarine on lookout for enemy ships south of Norway. The Swedes thought it would be fun to mess with them.
So a Swedish diver swims to the submarine and knocks on the hatch. Naturally the Norwegian opens the hatch and boom the submarine sinks.

The Norwegian submarine crew gets another submarine as replacement and does the same mission. So of course the Swede swims down to the sub and knocks on the hatch.
To the Swedes suprise the same Norwegian opens the hatch so that the submarine sinks once again.

The Norwegian crew gets one more submarine so that they can keep going with the mission.
The Swede couldn’t retain himself so he went down to the sub and knocks on the hatch one more time.
The Norwegian opens the hatch and says:
-Haha I’m not falling for that again!

  • Why does Swedish sugar taste better?

It’s Sweder

  • What Do You Call Vegan Swedish Meatballs?

Meatish Swedeballs

  • My neighbor is always complaining about his Swedish car breaking down all the time.

I’m getting really tired of the Saab stories.

  • I found a massage parlor offering swedish massages,

but I was looking for a happy Finnish.

  • What does a swedish dog bark like?

Bjork

  • From this babysitter website , I selected this gorgeous 19 yr old Swedish exchange student who has an amazing rack to watch over my kid tonight .

Does anyone have a baby or a toddler to spare for a few hours ?

  • This Swedish guy was walking up to a bus stop when he tripped and fell onto a woman’s lap.

I lied. He wasn’t Swedish.

He was a Laplander.

  • Swedish for beginners.

\-Far, får får får?
\-Nej, får får inte får, får får lamm.

  • It turns out I’m Norwegian, Swedish, and Danish

Apparently there’s more, but I can’t Finnish.

  • My dad is 100% Swedish and this was his favorite joke to tell waitresses when we went out to eat.

Waitress: Are you all finished?

Dad: No, I’m not Finnish, I’m Swedish.

  • what is a swedish government crisis?

there are 12 ministers in a meeting but only 11 cinnamonrolls

  • Ole and Sven and two Swedish girls

Ole and Sven are the best of friends, and they have two Swedish girls on the string – Lena and Olga – who live together in an apartment.

One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting juiced. Ole turns to Sven and asks, ‘Ven do you spose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?’
Sven says, ‘Dunno, but I’m drunk enuf to ast. Let’s go!’
They arrive at the apartment where Ole knocks on the door.

Lena answers and says, ‘Vell, Ole and Sven, come on in!’
Ole barely gets in the door when he demands, ‘Vee yoost come to find out ven you girls are gonna make out vit us.’
Lena is shocked by this and immediately throws them out, slamming the door with a bang!
Ole is persistent. He knocks on the door again.
Lena isn’t stupid. She knows it’s them and says, ‘Ole, if you’re gonna be so rude and forward, you’ll have to talk through the keyhole.’
Ole bends to the keyhole and asks, ‘OK, ven you girls gonna make out vit us?’

Lena is really upset now. She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and farts in it.
As Ole is backing up and shaking his head, Sven asks, ‘Vell… Ole, vut did she say?’
Ole says, ‘Vell, I tink she said…. FFFFfffffrrriiddaayy but her breath is so bad, I’m not askin’ again.’

  • Just watching the Germany Sweden game and there’s a Swedish player called lustig

that’s funny.

  • Trump should hire the Swedish Soccer team..

Mexico couldn’t break their wall.

  • TIL that Swedish Fish are actually shaped like Sweden, not fish.

Yeah, it turns out the fish part is a red herring.

  • I’m reading a book about Swedish automotive history.

It’s a real Saab story.

  • Why can’t you ever sing the last verse of a Swedish song?

Because it’s not Finnish.

  • Three Swedish men visited Copenhagen and decided to go to a Saloon…

They knocked on the door and the Madame opened. “What do you want?”
“We want to come in. We are Swedish.”
“How much money are you willing to spend here?”
“We have altogether 250 crones.”
“250 crones! For that price you can screw each other!”
After saying this the Madame slammed the door shut.
About 15 minutes later, the same three Swedish guys knocked on the door again. “Well, what do you want now?”
They Said “Where do we pay?”

[ps: got this joke by email. not sure why swedish. plz don’t get offended].

  • What’s Swedish Chef’s evil twin’s name?

Swedish Jeff

  • Know any Swedish jokes?

I’ve heard they don’t Finnish very well

  • Five swedish men in a pool

The swedes were swimming and suddenly a condom popped to the surface of the water.

Directly one of the mans asks: “who farted?”

  • So my friend called me last night to tell me about how his Swedish car broke down

But I told him I didn’t have time for his Saab stories

  • Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied “Ya, well I sew women’s underpants.” He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was asked the same question, to which he replied “Diesel fitter.” He too was told to go to the next line to get his unemployment check.

After Sven and Ole collected their checks, they compared them outside. Ole’s check was twice as much, which made Sven furious. He stormed back inside and asked to talk with a manager. He demanded to know why his check was half of what Ole’s was. The manager told him, “Well, you were a tailor, your friend Ole has a specialty in engine repair.”

Sven’s anger was boiling over. He loudly told them, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I sew the underpants and put them in a pile, Ole holds them up and says “Ya, diesel fitter.” What has that got to do with engines?”

  • A Saudi prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, “I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

“Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

“And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color.”

The prince says. “I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed.”

“Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you.” The Russian explains.

“Well”, the prince says, “I’m looking for a strong, adult bull. I’m not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here.”

The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.

The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay.

“Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?” He sputters.

“I told you. From Turkey.” The Russian explains. “Is tan bull, can’t stand a noble.”

  • A good Russian joke about Russians 🙂

It goes smth like this (I may have modified some parts slightly so that it would sound better in English).

For their new research, several sociologists have designed a device that registers every expletive used in the immediate vicinity to determine how often swearing words are used by different social groups. The device had a radial screen with arrows, so the sociologists figured it would be most efficient to put it in a popular US bar by replacing a wall clock with it. After everything was set, the experiment began.

A group of Swedish guys walk in this bar, have some drinks and walk out after about an hour. The device shows ‘0 expletives’.
A group of Chinese guys walk in, have a drink and walk out. The device reads ‘2 expletives’.
A group of Germans walk in, have some sort of a party and walk out after several hours. The device shows ’10 expletives’.
A group of Americans walk in, have drinks and walk out. The device reads ’15 expletives’.
A group of Irish guys walk in, have drinks and walk out after several hours. The device reads ’25 expletives’.
A group of Russians walk in, have multiple drinks and after 5 hours they do **not** leave. Time passes and after a couple more hours the sociologists begin to wonder what is going on. They come in and notice that the device is missing and the Russian guys are still there having drinks. Then this dialogue takes place:
***The sociologists:*** Hey, guys… Erm…What happened to the device on the wall? You know, the one that looked like a wall clock?
***One of the Russian guys:*** You mean that weird superpowered electric fan? It’s over there. We had to unplug it: it nearly blew our first vodka bottle away!

  • A man walks into a Swedish chemist shop…..
OMG!  TOP 90+ BEST FUNNY bald JOKES COLLECTION

… and asks for some deodorant. The shopkeeper says ‘ball or aerosol?’ The man answers ‘neither, I want it for my armpits.

  • What do Swedish criminals say when the cops are coming?

Pork! Pork! Pork!

  • When the Son of Odin beat on the Hulk with Mjonir…

It didn’t actually hurt me too bad, the Hulk thought. Especially when the God of Thunder hit him in the back, it was rather like a Swedish massage. So the Hulk let Odinsson whale away. Why did he do this?


Because he was Thor.

  • Swedish Fish

They aren’t sweet, just sweet-ish.

  • My dad just called a family meeting.

Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.

“Dad, it’s some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?” I asked.

“Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs”, he replies, “It says assembly required”.

  • Have you heard the one about the failed Swedish car company?

I’d tell it to you, but nobody likes a Saab story.

  • Swedish Moose Joke Translated by Google

PS: Read with strong Scandinavian accent for best effect.

&nbsp;

There were two moose who were flying. Then it said one:

“You have a bun in your eye!”

“What?” Answered the other.

“You have a bun in the eye!”

“What?”

“You have a bun in your eye.”<br>
“Well, I do not hear because I have a bun in my eye.”</b

  • ‘One liner jokes’ competition

A blonde and brunette were the best of friends and one day they came across a ‘one liner competition’. They both admired comedy and hence they decided to give it a shot.

There were comedians, some established and some fresh talents, telling their best joke.

First came a Swedish guy with his joke and made almost everyone laugh but except for the blonde. The same continued. The blonde never laughed even at the funniest of the joke.


At last came a middle aged guy and cracked a terrible joke. Nobody laughed but the blonde burst out laughing, wasn’t even able to catch his breath laughing. Everyone seemed bewildered, even the comic. ” That Swedish guy was hilarious!” , yelled the blonde.

  • What’s the difference between a Swedish jam band and slam dunking a baby?

One’s a Swedish Phish and the other’s a fetus swish

  • A Swedish bartender is found to be the spitting image of Leonardo DiCaprio

As it turns out, they have the same amount of Oscars, too.

  • The other day a Swedish man called me a racist and a believer of stereotypes…

So Ikea’d his car.

  • How do you catch a Swedish fish?

With a gummy worm as bait

  • So a pirate captain walked into my candy shop the other day…

And he asks me for a gumdrop. I say to him “Why would you want gum that’s been dropped?”

“Sir,” I say, “Wouldn’t you rather have a candy fish?”

He says, “Candy fish? Is it sweet?”

And I say “Well… it’s Swedish.”

So now, the captain is so angry that he makes we walk the plank and I shout “Don’t you think you’re going a little overboard?!” And the pirate says, “No, *you* are!”

Before I jump, I ask him, “Can I just have one last mug of rootbeer?” And he says, “That would be fine.” So I take the mug and jump… and you know? I would’ve drowned if it weren’t for one thing…

>!**Rootbeer floats!**!<

  • How to build a wall

If Trump ever needs help with the wall to Mexico he should ask the Swedish National Football Team, they did a pretty good job.

  • What do you call immigrants to Sweden?

Artificial Swedeners

  • By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden

How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?

  • I am a type of fish that becomes SO loud in Sweden. Who am I?

Yellyfish.

  • What is at the end of Sweden

The Finnish.

  • Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)

  • Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).


A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

  • Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A:Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

  • Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )


A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

  • Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

  • Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )


A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
… Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

  • Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )


A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

  • Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )


A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do…

  • Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )


A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

  • Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )


A: You are a British politician, right?

  • Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )


A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

  • Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )


A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from..
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

  • Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )


A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

  • Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

  • Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )


A: Only at Christmas.

  • Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )


A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first

  • My friend refuses to leave Sweden. She said Sweden is actually nice and deserves sympathy.

I think she’s developed Stockholm Syndrome

  • What’s the best part about living in Sweden?

I don’t live there but my friend told me that the flag is a big plus.

  • My dad’s favourite joke (he always does this with the accents)

An Englishman in Sweden goes to the chemist:

Englishman – “I’d like to buy deodorant please” Swedish chemist – “Ball or aerosol?”
Englishman – “No, armpits”

  • Did you hear about the time Snoop Dogg moved to Sweden and learned the local language?

He spoke swede every day.

  • Why did Sweden start putting barcodes on their newest fleet of battleships?

So they could Scandinavian

  • What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden?

The average intelligence of both countries goes up.

  • What do people in Stockholm use in the place of sugar?

Artificial Sweden-ers

  • What do you call a person who lives in Sweden but isn’t native?

An artificial swedener

Badum tss.

  • What happens when a swede born in Norway moves to sweden?

The avrage IQ of both countries go up.

  • I’d like to go to Sweden

But I can’t a-fjord it.

  • Noted archeologist Fred Flintstein made an amazing discovery today in Sweden

He found remains of some primitive musical instrument and a small deposit of fossilized excrement. when asked about what they signified,

Fred Flintstein replied: “A dab o’ ABBA doo.”

  • Just watching the Germany Sweden game and there’s a Swedish player called lustig

that’s funny.

  • Did you hear about the bike race that goes all the way across Norway and Sweden?

It ends at the Finnish line.

  • Sweden runs out of trash to recycle…

… Where’s PewDiePie when you need him.

  • TIL that Swedish Fish are actually shaped like Sweden, not fish.

Yeah, it turns out the fish part is a red herring.

  • What is a Finnish person’s favorite novel?

East of Sweden

  • I’ve been living in Sweden for a long time and it’s been quite comfortable…

…but then it might just be Stockholm syndrome.

  • I long time ago in the faraway of land of Sweden, there lived a man who dreamt his entire life of becoming a train conductor…

So he studied hard, and with great joy he achieved his goal, working happily for many years. But in time, he began to feel hollow, empty, unfulfilled, and so he thought long and hard, and a dark, primal anger welled up inside him. He decided to take drastic action, and set the trains to crash. The first set of trains ground to halt centimetres from each other, the next, millimetres, and the third set CRASHED together, killing 5 people. The man was sent to court and found guilty for murder. He was sentenced to death by the electric chair. For his last meal, he asked for a single green banana. The next morning he was lead to the chair. The lever was pulled, sparks flew…

and nothing happened.

Due to a defunct law still unfortunately in place at the time, the man was allowed to go free. Not 3 years later, in the neighbouring country of Sweden the 2nd, the man once again landed himself a job as a train conductor, and for 7 long years he was content. But once more, the vicious rage that once compelled him returned, bubbling up inside like an old friend. He knew what to do. The first set of trains ground to a halt centimetres from each other, the second, millimetres and the third nanometres. But the fourth set CRASHED into each other, killing ten people. Once more, the man was sent to court, and once more he was found guilty for murder. They also dragged up his previous charge. He wasn’t getting away this time. Once more, he was sentenced to death by the electric chair, and once more he asked for a single green banana.


But the guard had done his research. “I’m not going to give you your green banana” he spat, “you’re going to die for this”. So the man was sent to the chair hungry, ready to face justice. The lever was pulled, sparks flew…

And nothing happened.

The guard was dumbfounded “But I didn’t give you the green banana!” he exclaimed. “It had nothing to do with the banana” the man replied, “I’m just not a very good conductor”

  • I went to Sweden to look for some Oxo Cubes.

I hear they have a really good shop there called “Stockhome”.

  • Why can’t Sweden win a race?

Because, it always sits right behind the Finnish line

  • People in Sweden keep telling me how great it is living there…

But I think it’s just Stockholm Syndrome.

  • What do you call somebody who says they are Swedish but really aren’t?

An artificial Swedener

  • Swedish superstition

An American woman is married to a Swedish guy. Their marriage is otherwise happy but (i) they are both in Reddit and (ii) she has noticed that every now and then he seems to disappear in the middle of the night and come back with a strange smell about him.
Then one night she’s not quite asleep yet when she notices him getting out of the bed. She sneaks after him and sees him climb the ladder to the attic. Heart pounding she follows, staying in the shadows. She sees him standing next to a noose that dangles from the balks, and caressing the rope with … a bit of cheese?!
Voice trembling she steps to the light.
“Now what on EARTH do you think you’re doing?!”
“Oh it’s you. This is just an ancient Swedish trick I learned from my great-grandmother. I’ve told you that the Swedish word for “cheese” is “ost”, haven’t I?”
“I su-suppose so, yes.”
“And the Swedish word for “rope” is “rep”. You see, in Sweden the old folks say that rep-osting at midnight gives you good karma.”

  • I saw a tribe in Sweden.
OMG!  TOP 50+ BEST FUNNY CACTUS JOKES COLLECTION

Abbariginals.

  • Reintroducing “All the children” jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.

Here in Sweden, there’s a classic joke cycle called “All the children-jokes”. They’re kind of like limericks, but less strict. All jokes follow this pattern in some way:
“All the children do x, except [name] because he/she does y.”
Where y rhymes with the name. You can experiment with tense and phrasing as you like. The point is to make y as unexpected and comical in relation to x as possible. Of course, there is also the game of making these jokes as dirty and morbid as possible.
Some examples:
All the children were planned, except Jake.
His parents made a mistake.

All the children were tired, except Jane.
She had cocaine.
All the children stared into the microwave, except Jack.
He stared back.

All the children were swimming, except Joe.
His lungs were full of H2O.

All the children are loved by their parents, except Dale.
He is for sale.

All the children died in the school shooting, except Tim.
They’ll regret not respecting him.

All the children were cannibals, except Lucy.
She was juicy.

All the children killed a terrorist, except Belle.
She killed an infidel.

All the children crossed the road, except Neil.
He was hit by an Oldsmobile.

All the children can handle explosives, except Grace.
She is all over the place.

Keep them coming…

  • In Sweden paternity leave is a big thing. And it is very challenging, almost every father loses 23lb in the first few weeks.

They have no idea where the baby is.

  • I decided to go vegan after visiting the meat production factory.

The livestock conditions were appalling.
The process involving production of Meatballs and Salami was bad.
But wait till you see the one of German sausage. It was the wurst.

Edit : Sweden has already decided to bring in regulations. I’d say they are ahead of the korv.

  • Only Scandinavian Joke they will laugh at

What’s the difference between Norway and Sweden?
Sweden has a nice neighbor.

  • If you can’t become a citizen of Scandinavia through the naturalization process, what could you do?

You use artificial Sweden-er!

  • The ice fishing contest

An ice fishing contest is held between Norway and Sweden. The teams from each country get up early and set up their gear at opposite sides of a lake.

After about half an hour, the Norwegians haul up their first fish. The Swedes can hear them cheer from across the lake. Then another one bites, and throughout the day they catch a bunch of fish. The Swedes on the other hand can’t even get a nibble.

Thenext day the same thing happens, and the Swedes are yet to catch even one fish while the Norwegians keep hauling up fish after fish. They go home dissappointed and confused.

The third day the Swedes decide to spy on the Norwegians to see if they can find out their secret. One of the team members sneaks around the lake and hides in some bushes near the Norwegian team.

A couple minutes later he comes running back to the others and says “Guys you wont believe this, but they’re drilling holes in the ice!”

  • Donald Trump is said to have lack of foreign policy experience to be president, but in fairness, he has spent time meeting with foreign leaders around the world.

Ms. Sweden, Ms. Argentina…

  • Why do Icelandic ships have barcodes?

The striking dock workers complained there is Norway they can go to a ship with a clipboard, Denmark it as arrived and Finnish the whole business before sunset. New tech helped Sweden the deal.

  • How do you sink a norwegian submarine?

Swim down and knock on the hatch.

(In Sweden we have a running tradition of telling jokes about stupid norwegians. They do the same about swedes)

  • Three men were married to girls from different parts of the world.

The first man married a girl from Sweden. He told her that she must do the housework. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see the house clean.

The second man married a girl from Thailand. He told her that she must do the housework and have his dinner fixed promptly at 6pm every day. On the first and second days, he didn’t see any results, but on the third day he came home and found his dinner on the table, and the house was immaculate.

The third man married a girl from Canada. He told her he wanted her to do all the housework, keep the lawn mowed, do the laundry, and make sure he had a hot meal on the table three times a day. On the first day, he didn’t see anything. On the second day, he still hadn’t seen anything. By the third day, he could see a little bit out of his left eye, he could load the dishwasher, and make himself a sandwhich. To this day, he still has some difficulty peeing.

  • One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench…

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench. The fisherman couldn’t eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town. The Mayor wasn’t sure what to do with them, so he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition.

After several rounds, two finalists emerged: Mr. Hicks from a small town named Fife and a man from Sweden named Sven.
So they had the final. The Mayor fired the starting pistol and they started eating the tench. No sooner had Mr. Hicks bitten the fish that one of his teeth fell out. He couldn’t eat because of this so he stopped, but the Mayor refused to stop the competition. Sven kept on eating and ended up eating a total of nine tench fish.

The next day the headlines read: ONE TOOTH FREE FOR FIFE HICKS, SVEN ATE NINE TENCH!

  • Why did the chicken cross the road?

A suspected terror attack occurred last night in Stockholm (Sweden) involving a deranged avian described by eye-witnesses as a chicken. It has been reported that it was merely attempting to get to the other side.

  • There have been few historical examples of wars with three opposing sides.

One such example occurred in the 11th century, with the three belligerents being the French, the English (Anglos) and the Vikings. The rivalry between each group was quite intense, and unlike other situations, the two weaker groups at the time did not join together to fight the strongest. Instead, this conflict involved three opposing sides, each one of them desperately wanting victory.


However, as the war meandered on, it became evident to the vikings and French that the Anglos were in the better position. The leaders of both sides decided to set aside their differences and unite against the Anglos. However, English spies determined that the two other sides were making a treaty and notified Anglo government. This led the Anglo king to make a decision to send one his best officers to supervise the signing of the treaty. Not wanting the French and Vikings to catch on to his actions, he decided to have the officer pose as a Germanic feudal king.

On November 11th 1069 (this date has been debated by historians, due to the conversion to the Gregorian calendar), the French and Vikings signed the historic peace treaty in an undisclosed location in France (most historical evidence from this date is lost; documents were presumed to be destroyed by Mongol invaders). Unbeknownst to the French and Vikings, the Anglo officer would be in the room during the official signing of the treaty.

Some say it was his charisma, others say it was his disguise, but historians have verified that the Anglo spy (named Trigon O’Metry) somehow convinced his enemies to permit to sign below their names as a witness. Thus, the era of British espionage began, and the two opposing sides conducted business as usual, neither of their leaders being none the wiser.

Early war industries in France and Sweden worked in overdrive, producing twice the weapons and military supplies than they had earlier, due to the cooperation between the nations. In a poor decision on both sides’ part (which ultimately led to the end of the war), both the French and the Vikings decided to pool their resources, sending fleets of vessels into the middle of the sea. The whole fleet would contain all of the resources each empire produced, which if you remember, was twice the normal output. In addition, the French and Vikings each sent their best squire, in preparation for their invasion of the Anglo empire. However, the Anglos knew that they were coming (mostly due to the effectiveness of their spies) so they had sent their best squire, whom they had trained for months. This squire swam all the way across the English channel to the coast of France, where he would single-handedly conquer the French empire.

Not everything went so well for the British. Suspicion by the French general Al-Titude led to the discovery of the British spy. So, O’Metry was then sent to board the vanguard of the Viking-French fleet (or the French-Viking fleet, depending where you’re from). However, this fleet was virtually unguarded, which allowed the British to capture them easily.

So began the course of the final battle of the war. The British, having captured the Viking-French fleet and holding it in the French port city of Paris, possessed nearly all of the firepower of the opposing sides. In addition to this, the British rescued their POW spy. The only thing left to defeat was the French and Viking squire, who were stationed in Bordeaux with a new mission to repel the incoming British invasion. Little is known about the battle, but the following is certain:

The squire of the side opposite the Anglo is equivalent to the sum of the squires of the two opposite sides minus twice the products of the opposite sides and the cosign of the Anglo.

  • Morning after

The morning after pill…did you know it’s called the “anti-baby pill” in Germany? And in Sweden it’s called the “regret pill”. However in Chicago it’s called the “crime fighter” pill.

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