TOP 120+ BEST FUNNY PENGUIN JOKES COLLECTION

Find The Best Funny Penguin Jokes If Your Answers Is Yes. Here Is A Big List Of Funny Penguin Jokes Collection For This Week.

  • Whats a penguins favorite relative?

Aunt Arctica!

  • What do penguins eat for lunch?

Ice-burgers!

  • What do you call a penguin in the desert?

Lost!

  • Where do penguins go swimming?

At the South Pool!

  • How do Penguins drink their cola?

On the rocks.

  • What’s black and white and goes round and around?

A Penguin in a revolving door.

  • What do penguins wear on their heads?

Ice caps.

  • Why do two Penguins in a nest always agree?

Because they don’t wanna fall out.

  • What do Penguins like to eat?

Brrrrrrrritos.

  • Who is a Penguin’s favourite pop star?

Seal.

  • What’s black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?

 A penguin rolling down a hill

  • What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?

Starfish.

  • Where do penguins keep their money?

In a snow bank!

  • Why don’t Penguins like rock music?

They only like sole.

  • Whats black and white and red all over?

a penguin on a rampage

  • What do you call a happy penguin?

a Pen-Grin!

  • What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?

Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.

  • What did Morgan Freeman say when Penguins told him they liked March of the Penguins?

Why the hell was I narrating it if Penguins can talk

  • Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?

Because they haven’t got any pockets.

  • What do Penguins sing on a birthday?

Freeze a jolly good fellow.

  • Were do penguins get money from?

A fishbank.

  • What is black and white and red all over?

A burnt penguin!

  • What’s black and white and red all over?

An embarrassed penguin.

  • Have you heard of Flight of the Penguins (sequel to March)?

Its a whale of a tale

  • Guy runs into a bar, yells “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”

Bartender says “Three feet tall.”

Guy says “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”

  • A penguin takes his car to a mechanic

The mechanic tells the penguin it’ll be about 30min to diagnose. The penguin decides to go across the street to Dairy Queen. Gets a sundae. Eats the sundae using his flippers like any penguin would… He waddles back across the street to the mechanic’s shop. The mechanic says “OH, well it looks like you blew a seal.”

  • I rescued a penguin that came to shore near home

It must have got caught in a coastal current and ended up at the beach. I was happy to save it but didn’t know what to do with it.

Someone suggested I take it to the zoo. I thought that was a great idea, and that’s what I did.

A few weeks later the same person saw me at the beach.<br>
– Hey, how’s the penguin!?
– Oh, he’s fine!
– Did you take him to the zoo?
– Yes, that was a great idea! I also took him to the art museum, and this weekend we’re going to do some sightseeing!</br

  • Why do Canadians not play club penguin

Because they club seals

  • Penguin car trouble

A penguin was having trouble with his car and took it to a mechanic. The mechanic told the penguin it would take a couple of hours to figure out the problem.

The penguin went to get a vanilla Ice Cream cone but didn’t get no napkins.

The penguin returns to the mechanic and asks what the problem is. The mechanic says it looks like you blew a seal.

The penguin says, no it’s just Ice Cream.

  • Dirty Penguin

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream.”

  • A guy sees a lonely penguin wandering in the streets downtown

He takes him immediately to the nearest police station to ask for advice.

“Officer, I found this penguin, what should I do?”

Officer is concerned and says:

“What is he doing there?? Take him to the Zoo immediately!”

Man says ok and leaves the police station.

A couple hours later, police officer is looking through the window sees the man and the penguin, holding hands and walking down the street. He gets furious and rushes to them.

“Didn’t I tell you to take him to the Zoo? What are you still doing here?”

Man gets confused and also angry, responds

“Why are you shouting officer? I did get him to the Zoo as you told me. And now we are going to the movies!”

  • What goes black white black white black white black white…? A penguin rolling down a hill!

What’s black and white and laughing?
The penguin who pushed him!

  • A man was driving down the road with some penguins in his truck when a policeman stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.

“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”

  • A penguin is going on a cross country trip

when suddenly his car starts making a bad sound. The penguin decides to bring it into a shop to get it looked at. While his car is getting looked at he notices and ice cream shop across the street and decides to grab a scoop of ice cream. When the penguin comes back to the shop to check on his car the mechanic says. “Sir I think you have blown a seal”. The penguin replies “no its just ice cream”.

  • Santa thinks I’m naughty. Penguins think I’m nice.

I think I’m bipolar.

  • How does a penguin build his house?

Igloos it together

  • Another Penguin Joke

A police officer sees an old man walking down the street with a penguin under his arm. He stops the man and says, “Where did you get that penguin?” and the old man replies, “Oh, I found him a few days ago on a walk through the park, he’s my new friend!”

The officer tells the old man, “Sir, I want you to take that penguin to the zoo, right now!” and the old man nods and walks away.

A few days later, the same police officer sees the old man with a penguin under his arm. He stops the man and asks, “Is that the same penguin you had before?” and the old man says “Yes, isn’t he cute?”

The officer asks, “Didn’t I tell you to take him to the zoo a few days ago?”

And the old man smiles, nods, and replies, “Yes, I did, and today I am taking him to the movies!”

  • When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.

Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

  • What do you do if you come across a penguin in the arctic?

Wipe it off and apologise…

  • A penguin’s car breaks down in a Florida town [NSFW]

He manages to push it to a nearby mechanic. The mechanic says it’ll take a few hours to repair, so the penguin, exasperated, goes to look around the town.

He goes into a clothing store and buys a nice shirt, and goes to a book store and buys some nice books. However, the penguin, being in Flo… read more

  • Friends are like penguins

If you stab a penguin, it will die

  • Why can’t polar bears eat penguins?

They can’t get the wrappers off them…

  • A truck driver carrying 6 penguins got into an accident

A car driver stop by and ask if everybody is alright.

The truck driver says to the car driver if he could help and take the 6 penguins to the Zoo for him, while he fixes his truck. The car driver more than happy to help, takes the 6 penguins and leave.

Few days later, the truck driver sees the car driver still with the 6 penguins in the back of his car. He waves at the car driver asking him to stop:

– “I told you to take them to the zoo!!!”

– “Oh, we already went twice! Tonight we are going to the Cinema!”

  • A penguins car breaks down in the middle of a desert.

The penguin pushes his car over to a small town and notices there is only a mechanic and an ice cream shop.

The mechanic sees the penguin and pulls his car into his shop.

The mechanic says: I see you have a jacked up car.

The penguin says: Yea I’m not sure what happened.

The mechanic says: Well I’ll figure it out and you can go wait at the ice cream shop.

30 minutes later the mechanic comes out and says sir I’ve figured it out you’ve blown a seal!

The penguin wipes his face and says it was ice cream I swear!

  • I met a kid who loved everything black and white. He adored penguins, pandas, and Mickey mouse

I dont get why I’m not allowed to hang out with him anymore. All I asked is if he likes michael jackson.

  • NSFW A penguin is driving in the desert…

…when steam and smoke start pouring out from under the hood of his car. The car has just enough life in it to roll into the service station in the next town.

The repairman says it will take a while to figure out what’s wrong, so the penguin goes for a walk around town. The sun is beating down, so he’s delighted to find an ice cream stand. He gets a vanilla ice cream cone, which quickly melts and drips all over the penguin’s face and flippers.

When the penguin gets back to the service station, the repairman walks out of the garage and says, “Welp, looks like you blew a seal.”

“Oh, hehe, no,” says the penguin, “it’s just ice cream.”

  • What do you call a penguin with no eyes?

A Pengun.

  • Pope and the Seven Dwarves

The Pope arrives to give a small sermon to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Shortly into the sermon, Dopey puts his hand up and asks, “Are there any dwarven nuns in Rome?”

“No”, the Pope replies, and continues his service.

Not long passes and Dopey puts his hand up again and asks, “Are there any dwarven nuns in Italy?”

“No”, the Pope replies. The other 6 dwarves are starting to giggle. The Pope looks at the to quiten them down and continues…

Several minutes pass and Dopey raises his hand once again. The Pope looks at him somewhat exasperated and says “Yes, my son?”

Dopey responds, somewhat hopefully, “Are there any dwarven nuns anywhere in the world?”

The reponds gruffly, “NO. There are NO dwarven nuns, anywhere!”

The other six dwarves, giggling in the back, start to chant softly….

“Dopey screwed a Penguin…. Dopey screwed a Penguin……”

  • How do penguins open windows?

They drink wine

  • A penguin was taking a summer road trip…

A penguin was taking a summer road trip in the American Southwest when his car broke down and he got a tow to the nearest shop. The mechanic told him it would take an hour to check his car, so the penguin waddled across the street to an ice cream shop and ordered a vanilla cone, which he made a huge mess of, because flippers. After an hour had passed he waddled back to the auto shop. Mechanic said “Welp, looks like you blew a seal”, the penguin said “No that’s just ice cream”.

  • A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop…

“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”

“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”

The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who noot at him.

“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I need you to take them to a zoo immediately.”

The man replies, “I’ll take them right away,” and drives off.

The next day, the police officer sees the same exact van driving by and to his astonishment, it is still full of penguins! He pulls the man over again, and notices that he and the penguins are all wearing sunglasses, sunscreen, and Hawaiian shirts.

The officer gapes at him and says, “Sir, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!”

“Yes, I did,” the man replies. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”

  • Penguin at the bar
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A guy walks into a pub. He orders a pint at the bar and looks around the place. Suddenly, he noticed a penguin in a corner, reading a newspaper. The penguin then downs a pint next to him and leaves. The guy’s so shocked he couldn’t do anything. He runs to the bartender and goes:-What the hell was that?!

\-Oh that’s just a penguin. He works as a glazier on a nearby construction site. He comes here everyday after work to have his pint and read the newspaper.

\-Mate, I’m a circus owner. I NEED THIS PENGUIN! However much he costs, this is incredible!

\-Just come back tomorrow and talk to him. He finishes work at 5.

So the guy comes back the next day and immidietaly goes to talk to the penguin.

\-You need to come work for me! I’m a circus owner, I’ll pay you anything you want!

\-A circus owner? Like, a big linen tent?

\-Yeah, we have animals and all sorts of peculiarities. Just name the price!

\-Hold on. Like, a big linen tent on metal poles?

\-Yes, yes. Are you intersted?

\-Sure, I can work for you. But why the hell would you need a glazier?!

  • So a guy stops at a stop sign and he sees a car full of penguins next to him.

He asks ‘What’s up with all the penguins?’

The other guy answers, ‘I don’t know. I stopped at a light and then all these penguins jumped in my car. I don’t know what to do with them.’

‘Maybe you should take them to the zoo.’

The other guy says ‘That’s a great idea!’ and drives off.

A week later the same guy pulled up to the same light and sees the guy from last week with his car full of penguins again.

‘I thought your were going to take the penguins to the zoo?’

‘I did, and we had a great time! This week were going to the beach!’

  • Penguin Joke

A man was driving to work one morning when he saw a penguin at the side of the road. He didn’t know what to do with it so he put it into the back seat of his car and drove to work to explain the situation to his boss.

His boss said “You should take him to the zoo”, so the man left and drove off with the penguin.

Later that day as the boss was leaving work, he saw the man drive towards him and the penguin was still in the car. He flagged him down and when the car stopped the boss said “I thought I told you to bring that penguin to the zoo?!”

The man said “I did, and he loved it. We’re going to the cinema now”

  • A penguin is going on vacation, as he is driving down the road his engine start to make a funny noise….

So he pulls into a station and asks the mechanic to take a look at his car. The mechanic tells the penguin there two other cars before him but there is an ice cream shop across the street. He could go have an ice cream and when he is done come back and maybe he will know what’s wrong. The penguin loves ice cream so he go across the street.
As he enters the shop the owner says “boy are you in luck, I had a freezer just go out and I have this big tub of vanilla ice cream to get rid of. It’s yours for free”.
The penguin loves ice cream so he starts excitedly eating the ice cream. By time he is done he has it all over him. He walks back across the street and asks the mechanic what’s wrong with his car. The mechanic says “well it looks like you blew a seal”. The penguin says “oh no, this is vanilla ice cream I swear”.

  • Why do penguins never lose a fight?

When fight or flight kicks in, there’s only one way to go

  • What is a penguins favorite chewing gum?

Ice breakers, Hi my name (insert your name here)

  • A Man Driving Down The Street Sees a Penguin

Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone.

A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s loading the penguin up.

“Just what do you think you’re doing with that penguin?” The officer demands

“I haven’t a clue what to do with him I just saw him on the side of the road and figured I’d pick him up” The man replied

“Well I suggest you take him straight to the zoo!” The officer suggested.

So the man agrees and takes off heading toward the zoo.

The next day the officer is at his post when he sees the same guy in the same car driving by with the same penguin. He immediately hits the flashers and pulls the man over.

“Hey pal I thought I made it clear yesterday to take this penguin straight to the zoo!” The officer stated

“Yeah we did that yesterday, today I’m taking him to the ball game”

  • A Policeman spots a man walking with three penguins

He walks up to confront them

P: Excuse me Sir but what are doing with these penguins

M: Well we decided to take advantage of the weather and go for stroll

P: You should go take those penguins to the zoo they would love it there

The Man agrees and walks off and the next day the cop sees the same man and three penguins but this time in beach clothes

P: I thought I told you to go take those penguins to the zoo

M: I did and we loved it so much that today we’re going to the beach!

  • A man pulls up to a gas station with two penguins in the back seat.

The gas station employee asks him what he’s doing with them in his car.

“I’m taking them to the zoo” the man replies.

“Yeah that sounds like a good idea” says the employee.

The next day the man pulls up again with the penguins still in his back seat.

“I thought you were taking them to the zoo.” the employee says.

“I did!” says the man, “Today I’m taking them to see a movie.”

  • A penguin runs into a bar…

Breathless with panic he catches the barman’s attention and says- “ excuse me sir but my brother has went missing, have you seen him?” To which the barman replies “what does he look like?”

  • Two penguins are rowing in a desert

One says to the other, “ Where’s the paddle.”


The other replies, “Sure do.”

  • Why didn’t the penguin jump off of the iceberg?

He got cold feet.

  • Why dont you ever see penguins in Great Britain?

Because theyre scared of Wales

  • Why don’t penguins get legally married?

Because they’re animals and have no concept of marriage.

  • A penguin is driving down the road

A penguin is driving through the desert and his car starts to sputter and loose power. He just barely makes it to a mechanic, the car stalling out as he coasted into the parking lot.

He walking in and asks if there is anything that can be done. The mechanic tells him that he’ll give it a look and to go to the ice cream shop next door while he waits.

The penguin is more than willing because it’s hot and he is not used to the desert heat.

He walks into the shop and is surprised to find they are out of every flavor except vanilla. But he is so hot and exhausted it didn’t matter at this point, so he orders the largest size vanilla.

As he sat down, having been in a little flustered, he realized that he can’t hold a spoon with his flippers. Again being hot and exhausted, he just starts paddling it into his mouth, resulting in him making quite a mess.

When he is finished he walks back over to the mechanic, ice cream still dripping from his beak. He asks the mechanic if he figured out what was wrong.

The mechanic says, “Listen buddy it looks like you blew a seal.”

The penguin replies, “NO, NO, I WAS JUST EATING ICE CREAM!”

  • I wrote a book on penguins…

In hindsight, I realize that paper would have been much easier…

  • A cop pulled a truck driver over who was driving around with a truck full of penguins

“You can’t keep these penguins in your truck!” The cop said “You need to take them to the zoo!”
The truck driver promised to take the penguins to the zoo immediately and drove of.
The next day the cop pulled the same truck driver over. The truck was still full of penguins.
“Didn’t I tell you to take the penguins to the zoo?” The cop asked angrily.
“I did that yesterday!” The truck driver said “Today we’re going to Disneyland!”

  • A penguin is driving through the desert…

He’s cruising down a long stretch of highway when all of a sudden his car starts billowing smoke out from under the hood. The car starts sputtering, and being so far from home and in such heat, he starts to worry about his own safety. Luckily, as his car starts to come to a halt, he notices a gas station and service center just a bit further down the road. He manages to waddle his way over to the shop, and approaches the service desk.

“Oh thank God, you have to help me, I just broke down outside and I’m completely stranded!” exclaims the penguin.

“No problem sir! We’ll have someone haul your vehicle in, and we’ll have it in tip top shape in no time!” the mechanic replies. “In the meantime, you look like you need to cool off! Here, the gas station just next door sells ice cream, take this voucher and go get yourself a nice vanilla cone on us!”

The penguin is overwhelmed with gratitude.

“Thank you so much! I’m not very well suited for this climate, and that would be perfect!”

So the penguin happily waddles over and orders himself a big cone full of soft serve. It’s so cold and soothing, he can’t help but scarf the entire thing down within seconds. He’s eager to express his thanks to the mechanic for all of his help, so he heads back over to the service station.

As soon as he walks in, the mechanic comes in from the back, wiping grease off of his hands with a towel. He walks up to the penguin.

“So, it looks like you blew a seal.”

“Oh, no, it’s just ice cream.”

  • A penguin goes on vacation.

A penguin has decided that he has had enough of the cold and wants to go on vacation.

He books his flight to a big city and rents out a car to go sight seeing.

After a while of him driving around his car starts making a weird noise.

He grows a bit concerned and takes it into the mechanics to see what the problem is.

The little penguin waddles up to the mechanic and tell him about the issue.



The mechanic turns to the little penguins and says, “Hey man, this might take a minute but since you’re a penguin you might enjoy this little icecream shop around the corner. Come back in like thirty minutes.”



So the little penguin then waddles over to the icecream store.

He takes a look around and just decides on the good ole classic vanilla.

Now, unfortunately for the penguin he really doesn’t have hands or a good mouth for eating icecream.

So as he is trying to devour this delcious treat, it is just getting everywhere!

All over his face and hands. Just a mess.



After a while he realizes that it has been thirty minutes since he left and quikly waddles his way back.As he walks in, he see the mechanic and asks what’s wrong.

The mechanic turns to him and says, “Welp, it looks like you blew a seal.

  • A penguin driving through the desert
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started to have car trouble, so he decided to drive to the nearest mechanic to get his car checked out. After he dropped his car off, he decided to walk down the block to get some ice cream, since it was a particularly hot day. Unfortunately, he was only able to devour about half of his vanilla cone before the rest had melted, covering his face and hands. Disappointed, he walked back to the mechanic to check on the progress.

Upon entering, the mechanic stopped his work, looked up at the penguin and said, “it looks like you blew a seal.”

In response, the penguin shouts, “NO, it’s just ice cream!!”

  • A penguin and a giraffe were fighting for a promotion

Giraffe got promoted because people looked up to him!

  • What do you call fifty penguins in the Arctic?

Lost! REALLY lost!

  • My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We’ve been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there’s an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he’ll be glad to take a look, but he won’t be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.

The penguin says, “Have you had time to look at my engine?”

The mechanic says, “Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal.”

The penguin says, “No, that’s just ice cream.”

  • Penguin car trouble…

A penguin is driving his car when it starts to make an odd sound, so he pulls into a local auto garage and asks to have it looked at. The mechanic says it will take a while, so the penguin goes for a walk. The penguin is gone for some time, and on his way back decides to stop for ice cream. As soon as he gets his ice cream cone the mechanic calls and says he knows the problem. The penguin rushes back to the shop to see what is wrong. As soon as he arrives, the mechanic says “Mr. Penguin. It looks like you blew a seal.”

The penguin replies “Oh, no, that’s just ice cream”

  • A baby chick tells it’s mom, “Mom I think I’m a penguin..”

“There’s no way you’re a penguin, you’re without a doubt a baby chicken” she responds.

He insisted, “No mom, I really think I’m a penguin and I don’t want to live in this farm anymore, I wanna live with my fellow penguins!”

She said “alright fine, you have an aunt that lives in Antarctica so I’ll send you with her for a few days and you can meet some penguins and decide for yourself.”

So the baby chick went off to visit his aunt and when he arrives he sees a group of penguins and so he waddles over there to talk to them.

The chick says, “Foo foo, foo foo, foo foo.”

The penguins look over and start thinking, “what is wrong with this guy, us penguins dont sound like that at all… Foo foo?”

The chick continues, “Foo foo, foo fu, fu fuuuuuckk its so cold !!!!”

  • A penguin is driving down a desert road…

…when he hears a strange sound coming from his engine.

At the next town he pulls into the service shop and asks for help.

The mechanic says, “It’s gonna take about 20 minuets to check this out. You look pretty hot, you should go get an Ice Cream at the shop across the street to cool off while I take a look.”

So the penguin goes and orders a large vanilla ice cream cone. Now a penguin can’t use a spoon so he just goes for it and gets his face right in there. It’s kinda melty because of the heat and it gets everywhere. All over is face and chest.

As he’s finishing his ice cream he realized it’s been half an hour and he’s a little late getting back to the shop. So he just runs over without washing up.

He gets back to the mechanic and asks if he knows what’s wrong.

The mechanic says, “It looks like you just blew a seal.”

The penguin says, “Oh, no. That’s just ice cream.”

  • A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he could cool down.

The mechanic reply “there is an ice cream parlor a few blocks up the street” so the penguin thanked him and waddled up to the parlor. When he got there he ordered the biggest cup of vanilla ice cream they had.

After awhile of enjoying his ice cream he started to head back to the mechanic. When he got back the mechanic said
“Hey it looks like you blew a seal” then the penguin shouted “No no! It’s just vanilla ice cream!”

  • A penguin goes into a pub…

At the bar the peanuts say:
“Nice tie Mr!”
In the toilets the condom machine says :
“You look stupid in that tie”
So he complains to the barman. The barman says :
“the peanuts are complimentary but the condom machine is out of order”

This was the best joke of my birthday cards this morning, so thought I would share.

Edit: spelling

  • NZ joke for you

There was a man out tramping the Milford track.
He got horribly lost and went for a week without food by the 8th day he came across a kiwi and decided to cook and eat it. Half way through his meal a D.O.C ( department of conservation ) ranger found him, outraged he took him to court.

The judge was sympathetic towards the man but also curious. Before he let the man go he asked him “what dose kiwi taste like”? The man man replied “like a cross between yellowed eyed penguin and takahe.

  • American politics is like a penguin.

It has both a left wing and a right wing. But are only good for flapping and making noises.

  • Two penguins are standing on an iceberg.

One says to the other, “you look like you’re wearing a tuxedo!”

The penguin responds, “how do you know I’m not?”

  • The white bear and the penguin tried to make their relationship work, but they couldn’t.

They were polar opposites.

  • A penguin was driving his car through town…

A penguin is driving through town when his car breaks down.

He pushes it into the nearest mechanic shop, drops it off and the mechanic says he’ll have a look and to give him an hour.

So the penguin goes for a walk around town, down to the beach, has a bit of a wander around and then decides to get back.

Stops past the local ice-cream shop for a vanilla cone, having a wonderful time.

He eventually gets back to the mechanic shop.

The mechanic says to him “You’ve blown a seal.”

The penguin, wiping the ice-cream from around his lips replies ”No, no, no….it’s just ice-cream.”

  • A man is walking down the street and realizes that a penguin is following him.

A man is walking down the street and realizes that a penguin is following him. He turns right, turns left, crosses a street but the penguin is still following him. Annoyed, he returns home thinking about a way to get rid of the penguin, who probably escaped from the zoo. As he is walking, he sees his neighbor and said: “Look, I will give you 50$ if you go to the zoo with this penguin”. His neighbor accepts and leaves with the penguin.

The very next morning the man wakes up, opens the blind and sees that his neighbor is still with the penguin.

“Hey I told you to go to the zoo with him!”

The neighbor answers:

“I know but I still have some money left so this afternoon we’re going to see the baseball game!”

  • A penguin is driving through the desert on a hot summer day.

Suddenly, his car breaks down. He goes to the local auto mechanic to fix it. The mechanic says “Come back in 30 minutes and I’ll tell you what’s wrong” Meanwhile, the penguin is really hot in the desert. He goes and gets a vanilla ice cream to cool down. However, in the hot desert, the vanilla ice cream starts to melt. The penguin, having flippers, is unable to stop the white sticky ice cream from dripping down his face and onto the front of his tuxedo. However, it’s too late now so the penguin goes back to the mechanic, who says “Looks like you blew a seal”

The penguin replies “no, it’s just ice cream”

  • A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar.

The bartender says to the bouncer, “Seriously, Frankie, why are we even paying you?”

  • Did you know penguins scream during sex?

Maybe not all of them?
But definitely the one I cornered at the zoo.

  • A penguin is driving through the desert

When his car starts to give him trouble. The lights start flashing and the dials go out of control, so he puts the car in neutral and rides it out to the nearest gas station.

He asks the gas station attendant “Can you fix my car? It’s really no place for a penguin to be stuck in the desert for long.”

The gas station attendant replies “You’re second in the queue, I’ll get you taken care of as soon as possible.”

The relieved penguin says, “That’s amazing, thank you so much. But being a penguin in the desert, I need a place to stay cool. Is there any place to eat with air conditioning around here?”

The gas station attendant says “Yes, there’s a Baskin Robins right across the street.”

The penguin heads across the street to the Baskin Robins and orders 20 scoops of vanilla ice cream. He uses his flippers and shovels down a bunch of ice cream when the waitress gets a call.

She comes over to the penguin and says “Your car is ready, sir.”

So the penguin pays for his ice cream and heads back to the gas station.

He asks the gas station attendant “So, what was wrong with my car?”

The gas station attendant looks up at him and says “It looks like you blew a seal.”

The penguin replies and points, “No no, vanilla ice cream”

  • 5 penguins in the back seat

Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat. Attendant says, “wtf – you have 5 penguins in your back seat.”

“I KNOW!” the guy says, “They jumped in at the light, and now I don’t know what to do.”

Attendant thinks for a second and says, “I’ll tell you what I’d do – I’d take them to the zoo.”

“That’s a great idea!” says the driver.

A week later, same driver pulls in with the same 5 penguins, only now they’re wearing sunglasses.

“What are you doing – I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!” exclaims the attendant.

“We did go! We had a great time! Today we’re going to the beach!”

  • Did you guys hear about a terrorist group flying down south for a giant snowball fight against penguins
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It was all over the news, the headlines read “Isis huge in Antarctica”.

  • A penguin takes his car to the mechanic because it has been running rough.

The mechanic tells the penguin that he can check it out to see what the problem is but it will take sometime.

The penguin says “okay,” and he heads to the soda shop across the street and gets a soft serve.

After about an hour the penguin goes back to the auto shop. He ask the mechanic how it is looking.

The mechanic says, “it looks like you blew a seal.”

The penguin wipes his beak with the back of his flipper and says,”nope. just vanilla ice cream.”

  • A penguin, some ice cream, and a mechanic.

A penguin is driving in the desert on a remote highway, when his car suddenly begins making funny noises, and smoke begins pouring out of the engine.

He pulls into a gas station that also happens to have a mechanic. He asks the mechanic about his car being fixed.

“I’ll take a look at it, but it’s going to be a while.”, the mechanic says.

“Is there anything in town I can do while you’re fixing the car?”, the penguin replies.

“There’s an ice cream shop down the road within walking distance.”, the mechanic says.

Naturally, penguins love ice cream. Both come from cold environments, and it’s also tasty

The penguin heads to the ice cream shop and orders himself a vanilla cone. He thanks the cashier, and begins eating.

Now penguins can’t eat well. Flippers aren’t exactly the greatest utensils for eating, but the penguin gulps down the ice cream with his flippers, while getting vanilla ice cream all over himself in the process.

He then heads back to the gas station and sees the mechanic with his head under the hood, peering into the engine.

Hearing the penguin, he turns around and says, “Looks like you’ve blown a seal.”

“No, that’s just ice cream.”, the penguin replied.

  • On a first date I always talk about obese pet penguin

It’s a good icebreaker

  • I asked a friend what type of animal she would be and she said “I would be a penguin-bear”

I said: “Those are like, POLAR opposites”

  • There is a penguin driving through the desert…

when his A/C suddenly stops working. So he decides to stop at the next town. He pulls into a mechanic’s garage and tells him the situation. He asks if there is anywhere he can go to cool down while waiting. The mechanic tells the penguin about a grocery store across the street, with a frozen food section.

Excited, the penguin waddles across the street and goes straight for the freezers. He sees his favorite ice cream (penguins love vanilla ice cream) and can’t resist. He goes to town, beak first on a gallon of ice cream and gets it all over himself. He then pays for the ice cream and goes back to the shop.

Back at the shop, the mechanic tells him his car is ready. The penguin asks “What was wrong with the A/C?” The mechanic tells him “looks like you blew a seal.” To which the penguin replies: “no… that’s just vanilla ice cream.”

  • Penguin in the Desert

A penguin is driving his car through the desert when steam starts pouring out from under the hood. Luckily, he sees a gas station up ahead. The penguin pulls into the station and while the mechanic checks out his car in the garage, the penguin goes into the mini-market for an iced cream. As he walks back towards the garage trying to eat the ice cream with his tiny flipper hands, it’s melting in the sun and getting all over his face. As he arrives at the garage, completely covered in iced cream, the mechanic says, “Looks like you blew a seal.” To which the penguin replies, “No, it’s just iced cream.”

  • Do you know why they named it Club Penguin?

Because naming it Club Seal would’ve been a bit on the nose.

  • The penguin couple got into another fight

They really are on thin ice

  • A penguin’s car breaks down in a small town.

Luckily he breaks down near a garage so he walks in and ask the mechanic to take a look. The mechanic says he can take a look in about an hour and suggests the penguin hang out in the local Dairy Queen to kill some time.

The penguin walks over and orders a large waffle cone and starts to eat it. As it is large and the penguin only has flippers he kind of makes a mess of himself. He takes what’s left of the cone and walks back to the garage where he sees the mechanic bent over the engine.

Seeing the penguin out of the corner of his eye the mechanic says, “Well sir, it looks like you’ve blown a seal.”

“Nah,” the penguin replies, “I’m just eating ice cream. “

  • A penguin is driving around in his car in antarctica

Suddenly, his car makes a big cloud of smoke, he has to push it to the nearest mechanic.

He explains his problem, the mechanic tells him :
“Hmm … I can’t really tell the issue right now, come back in a couple of hours and I’ll tell you what’s wrong with your car”

The penguin starts walking 1 hour in one direction, and decides to head back, as he walks back to the mechanic, he sees another penguin selling ice creams.

He thinks to himself “I had a pretty rough day, besides, I walked for 2 hours, so I think I deserve a good ice cream”

He buys a big vanilla ice cream, but he’s a penguin, he has a beak, so it’s pretty hard to eat an ice cream without making a complete mess. When he’s done, he has ice cream all over his beak.

He finally arrives to the mechanic

“So, did you figure out what’s wrong with my car” he asks

“Hmm, it looks like you blew a seal”

“No no, I just had ice cream !”

  • Where does a penguin hide his money?

A snow bank!!!

  • A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,…

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks “Thank goodness you’re around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?”. The narwhal stares at him for a bit.

“Ok, so what are your hobbies?”

  • What do Penguins, Black and White movies, Zebras and newspapers all have in common?

The next generation is not going to know what any of those things are.

  • What’s the difference between a white penguin and a black penguin?

White penguins are walking towards you and black ones are walking away.

  • Why can’t penguins play football?

Because theres snowball

  • A penguin walks into an airport…

A TSA officer stops him and says “Penguins can’t fly.”

  • A cop sees a man walking a penguin on the street

The cop stops him and says
“Hey, you can’t have that animal out here in public! Take it to the zoo where it belongs.”
The man says ” Sure no problem officer.”
The next day the cop is standing on the same spot and sees the same guy walk by with the same penguin. He gets real mad and goes up to the guy and says. “What do you think you are doing here man? I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!”
The man says, “I did, and today we’re going to the art museum. “

  • A penguin is driving through the desert…

and all of a sudden his car breaks down. He takes it to a nearby shop. The penguin leaves the car at the shop and goes to get ice cream. The clumsy little penguin spills ice cream all over himself. Suddenly, he remembers his car at the shop. He quickly runs back without cleaning the ice cream off of himself. Once at the shop, the penguin checks in with the mechanic.

“Looks like you blew a seal.” the mechanic says.

“No- I was just eating ice cream.” the penguin replied.

  • A man woke up to see a penguin in his neighbor’s backyard

He went to the neighbor’s house and said “sorry to interrupt your day, neighbor, but there’s a penguin in your backyard!”

The neighbor then said “A penguin? God, what should I do with it?”, to which the neighbor replied “You should take it to the zoo!”

At night, the man returned to his house after a long day of work, only to find the penguin was still in his neighbor’s backyard. He knocked the man’s door and asked, “Didn’t you say you were gonna take it to the zoo?”

The neighbor then said “yeah, today I took it to the zoo, tomorrow I’ll take it to the shopping mall, and after that to the movie theater.”

  • They are doing a new sequel to the movie “March of the Penguins”

They are calling it “April of the Penguins!”

  • A man finds a penguin walking down the street

He grabs the penguin and puts it in his car and starts to speed away when a cop pulls him over.

The cop walks up to the car and asks the man what he’s doing with the penguin.

“He was just walking down the road,” the man said.

“Well, take him to the zoo and I won’t give you a ticket for speeding.” The man agrees and drives away.

A week later the cop sees the same man drive by and he still has the penguin in the car. He pulls over the car again and says to the man, “I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!?”

“Yes,” the man says, ” I did. Today we’re going to the movies.”

  • A penguin is driving and gets a flat tire.

He pulls over to the nearest gas station and speaks to the mechanic. “About how long to get this repaired?” says the penguin. “Should only be about 30 mins” he replies.

It is pretty hot outside, so the penguin decides to walk and get some ice cream. Thirty or so minutes later, the penguin is walking back to station while licking his vanilla ice cream. Naturally, penguins aren’t the cleanest eaters so some vanilla ice cream gets around his mouth and face.

When the penguin arrives, the mechanic greets him and says, “It looks like you blew a seal!”

  • A penguin was driving when he noticed the warning light on his dashboard light up…

He limped the car to the nearest garage. The mechanic said it may take a while to fix and so to come back later.

So the penguin went out and took in the sights. Whilst he was there he decided to get an ice cream. However, only having flippers, he couldn’t hold the ice cream very well and made a mess as he tried to eat it.

Later, the penguin goes back to the mechanic. He looks up at the penguin and says “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.”

“Oh no” replied the penguin, “this is just ice cream!”

  • Mama kangaroo is jumping along the bush.

Suddenly, a small penguin peeks out of her pouch, vomits and says, “Damn this student exchange!”

  • Penguins truck

A man with a truck full of Penguins is on his Way to zoo But on the way his trucks engines stop so he slides to the side and try to get the atenssion of a nearby coming truck driver and sucses. He then tells the truck driver to take the Penguins to the zoo ASAP and so he dos.
Some time later the guy goes for some ice cream and sees the same driver walking out of zoo with all the penguins behind him. the guy rushes towards him and ask’s What hes doing, the driver then tells him they had been in zoo now are goin too the water park

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