TOP 100+ BEST FUNNY LAWYER JOKES COLLECTION

Find The Best Funny Lawyer Jokes If Your Answers Is Yes. Here Is A Big List Of Funny Lawyer  Jokes Collection For This Week.

Of Time and Dollars …

A 50-year-old lawyer who had been practicing since he was 25 passed away and arrived at the Pearly Gates for judgment. The lawyer said to St. Peter, “There must be some mistake! I’m only 50 years old, that’s far too young to die.” St. Peter frowned and consulted his book. “That’s funny, when we add up your billing records, you should be at least 83 by now!”

Pull! …

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

K-99 Problems …

What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman pinscher.

If There’s Hell Below …

As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”

Take the Bad with the Badder …

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.

No Offense, Bikers …

What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer riding a motorcycle? The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

Lawyer: my client is trapped in a penny!
Judge: pardon?
Lawyer: he’s in a cent!
Judge: …
Lawyer: …
Judge: you’re going to jail with him

What’s wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.

When asked, “What is a contingent fee?

” a lawyer answered, “A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don’t win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing.”

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.

How lawyers do it…

Lawyers do it with appeal.
Lawyers do it confidentially.
Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.

How many lawyer jokes are in existence?

Only three. All the rest are true stories.

Soul for Sale, Dirt Cheap …

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him. The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all the your friends.” The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, “But what’s the catch?”


What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One is a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.

Invertebrates Have Feelings Too …

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a jellyfish? One is a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

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Hang ‘Em High …

How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and an undertaker?

A Lawyer doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty while burying his victims.

The Blue Pill …

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.

Screw me Twice, Shame on Me …

Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Speaking Ill of the Dead …

One day the phone rang at a law office and when the receptionist answered a man asked to speak to Mr. Dewey. “I’m sorry, sir,” the receptionist said. “Mr. Dewey passed away yesterday.” “Oh, is that right? Goodbye.” But everyday for the next two weeks the same man called back and the same exchange occurred. Finally, the receptionist said, “Sir, I have told you repeatedly that Mr. Dewey died, why do you keep calling and asking for him?” “Oh,” the man replied, “I just like to hear it.”

 

In Flames and Inflamed …

A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman. “What a joke!” he said. “I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman.” Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

 

Double Time …

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

 

No Good Question Goes Unbilled …

A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was. “$100 for three questions,” answered the lawyer. “Isn’t that a little steep?” said the man. “Yes,” said the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”

 

Unless It’s One of Our Witnesses, Of Course …

What separates witnesses from the lowest form of life on earth? The wooden partitions around the witness stand.

 

You Can’t Get Mad at Gravity …

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.

Of Swine and Men …

A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car that breaks down in the countryside one evening. They walk to a nearby farm and the farmer tells them it’s too late for a tow truck but he has only two extra beds and one of them will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.” But minutes later he returns and knocks on the door and says, “There is a cow in the barn. It’s against my beliefs to sleep in the same building as a cow.” So the rabbi says, “It’s okay, I’ll sleep in the barn.” But soon, he is back knocking on the door as well, saying, “There is a pig in the barn, and I cannot shelter in a building with a pig.” So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. Shortly, there is another knock on the door and the farmer sighs and answers it. It’s the pig and the cow.

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Have a Cigar …

A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner was horrified. “The judge is an honorable man,” he said, “If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!” Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyers favor. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. “Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. “I just enclosed my opponents business card with them.”

It’s Funny Cause It’s True

How many lawyer jokes are there, anyway? Only three. The rest are true stories.

What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.

What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?

Your Honor.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
Senator.

What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
Accountants know they’re boring.

What’s the one thing that never works when it’s fixed?
A jury.

Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

What’ the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.

What’s the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One’s a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.

What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
They’re both extinct.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad.
Senator.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller

What’s brown and looks really good on a lawyer?

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A Doberman.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you’re dead.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What’s the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.

What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick falls off when you are dead.

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
I don’t know. There are some things even a blonde won’t do.

Know how copper wire was invented?

Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.

Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.

Why don’t lawyers go to the beach?

Cats keep trying to bury them.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!

What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.

What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?

When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a “crying shame”?

There was an empty seat.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can’t understand

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Why to lawyers wear neckties?

To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.

What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they’re really good people.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

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