Find The Best Funny Kiwi Jokes If Your Answers Is Yes. Here Is A Big List Of Funny Kiwi Jokes Collection For This Week.

Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest racehorses in the world?

Because the horses have seen what they do with their sheep.

What do two kiwi’s say after breaking up?

Lets just be cousins.

Why do the Kiwi’s make better lovers than the Aussies?

Because Kiwi’s are the only one’s who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.

Did you hear about the winner of the New Zealand beauty contest?

Me neither.

​​What is a Kiwi’s defense in court?

“Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence.”

How do Kiwi’s find sheep in long grass?


Why can’t Kiwi blokes take their girlfriends to the Rugby?

They eat all the grass.

What do you call a Kiwi with a hundred lovers?

A shepherd.

How does every Kiwi joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.

Whats the difference between a smart Kiwi and a unicorn?

Nothing, they’re both fictional characters

What’s the difference between New Zealand and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

What do you call a Kiwi in the knockout stages of the World Cup?

A Referee.

Why was Chris Wood speeding?

 To get three points.

  • What time was it when the monster ate the New Zealand prime minister?

Eight P.M.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a cock?

A kiwi.

Why aren’t the New Zealand football team allowed to own a dog?

Because they can’t hold on to a lead.

Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest race horses in the world?

Because the horses have seen what they do with their sheep.

What time does Marina Erakovic got to bed?


What do two kiwi’s say after breaking up?

Lets just be cousins.

Why do the Kiwi’s make better lovers than the Aussies?

Because Kiwi’s are the only one’s who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.

Did you hear about the winner of the New Zealand beauty contest?

Me neither.

Whats the difference between Cinderella and the New Zealand rugby team?

Cinderella wanted to get to the ball

What is a Kiwi’s defense in court?

“Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence.

” How do Kiwi’s find sheep in long grass?

Delightful! Why wasn’t Jesus born in New Zealand? He couldn’t find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Does anyone know how to easily peel a kiwi?

All those feathers keep getting in the way



A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand…

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, “You aren’t from around here, are ya?”
The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada.”
The bartender says, “What do you do in Canada?”
The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender says, “A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?’ “No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.”
The bartender grins and yells, “He’s okay, boys. He’s one of us!”





How do kiwis find sheep in grass?


How does a Kiwi find a sheep in the long grass?

Absolutely irresistible




So i tried reddit’s advice and ate a kiwi without taking the skin off.

It was good. Kept getting feathers stuck in my teeth though.



I asked a kiwi how many sexual partners he had had…

He fell asleep counting.

Never confuse a Kiwi with an Aussie.

One’s a soft, hairy fruit and the other’s a Kiwi!



A Kiwi and an Aussie are fishing one afternoon and have a couple of cold beers

After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie, “If I was to sneak over to your house and make wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?” The Aussie after a great deal of thought, says, “I don’t know about related, but it sure would make us even.”



NZ joke for you

There was a man out tramping the Milford track.
He got horribly lost and went for a week without food by the 8th day he came across a kiwi and decided to cook and eat it. Half way through his meal a D.O.C ( department of conservation ) ranger found him, outraged he took him to court.

The judge was sympathetic towards the man but also curious. Before he let the man go he asked him “what dose kiwi taste like”? The man man replied “like a cross between yellowed eyed penguin and takahe.






New Zealand Humor

(Stolen unashamedly from a comment on Quora)

Some years ago the Pope was visiting New Zealand as part of a world tour.

On a day when he had a few hours to spare he asked if he could be shown one of the famous beaches of New Zealand, so his hosts took him to a beautiful, secluded beach on the South Island.

As the Pope and his entourage were walking along the pristine sand, a sudden commotion in the water caught everyone’s attention—a man wearing a green and gold top was seen to be swimming furiously towards shore, with a great white shark in hot pursuit.

Just as it appeared that the Australian was about to be torn to pieces by the shark, a motor boat carrying four men wearing All-Black tops rounded the point.

They ran their boat directly at the shark and stabbed it with grappling hooks just before the shark reached the Australian. They then carefully lifted the man from the water and gently placed him on the bottom of their boat before turning the boat to go around the point again, with the shark in tow.

The Pope asked his entourage to get their attention—he wanted to talk to these heroic New Zealanders who had rescued a foreigner, and an Australian at that, from certain death.

As requested, the Kiwis turned their boat towards shore and glided gently up on the sand, next to where the Pope was standing.

His Holiness was effusive in his praise, saying that he had heard about possible bad relations between Australians and New Zealanders, but that their prompt action was an inspiration to all mankind, showing how people could live in peace and harmony, and selflessly help each other when help was needed.

After the Pope and his entourage left, one of the Kiwis asked: ‘Who the heck was that?’

One of his mates replied: ‘That was the Pope. He has direct communication with God and knows all there is to know about doctrinal matters’.

‘Well’, said his companion, ‘he knows stuff all about shark fishing. Anyway, is that bait still all right, or do we need to get another one?’





  • Two friends get a parrot

Two friends get a parrot, but aren’t sure what to name it.

The one friend, Bill says “We should name it Bill Jr.”

“We should name it Bill Jr” the Parrot squeaked

Bill rolled his eyes “Stupid parrot”

“Stupid parrot” the Parrot squeaked

Clive liked the name “Kiwi” and suggested it to Bill.

“How about the name Kiwi?” the Parrot squeaked.

“This thing just won’t shut up!” they both said in unison

“This thing just won’t shut up!” the Parrot squeaked.

“It’s constantly copying us!” Bill said.

“It’s constantly copying us!” the parrot squeaked.




An American, a Brit, a Canadian, a Dane, an Ethiopian, a Frenchman, a Greek, a Haitian, an Irishman, a Jew, a Kiwi, a Lithuanian, a Mongolian, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Peruvian, a Qatari, a Roman, a Scotsman, a Uruguayan, a Venezuelan, a Western Saharan, a xenophobe and a Zimbabwean walk into a bar

The bartender says
“Im sorry, but you can’t come in here without a Thai”

Brits, Aussies, and Kiwis will most likely only get this:

Remember Bill and Ben, The Flowerpot Men?

One day, Bill says to Ben, “Flobadobglibglobbloobleglob!”

And Ben say, “If you loved me, you’d swallow that…..”




What did the Kiwi say to the Jew?

Hee broo




I got a good Kiwi Joke

A man walks into a bar and excitedly says to the bar tender, “Hey mate, I got a good Kiwi joke, want to hear it?

The bar tender replies, “I don’t know about that bro, I’m a Kiwi”

“No, no, its a good one” the man says.

“Well Jim at the end of the bar is also a Kiwi” says the bar tender. “Those 2 bouncers on the door, they are Maoris, and those 3 guys behind you within ear shot are members of the Mongrel Mob biker gang”
“Are you sure you still want to tell it?” asks the bar tender.

The man pauses for a couple seconds and disappointingly says “No, I suppose your right, I don’t want to have to explain it 4 times.”




What did the Rabbi from New Zealand say?

Hey Bro

(Read in your best Kiwi accent)

An American, an Aussie and a Kiwi are in a bar…

… they sit at the bar and order whiskey.

The American picks up his glass, downs the shot of whiskey and throws the glass into the fireplace. “In America, we got so many glasses, we don’t drink out of the same one twice!”

The Kiwi nods, downs his drink throws it up into the air and shoots it with his six-shooter. “Same in New Zealand. So many glasses, we don’t dare drink out of the same one twice.”

The Australian looks at them both, downs his shot, pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi dead. “Too many Kiwi’s in Australia, we don’t drink with the same one twice.”


A teacher said to her class, “Right, i’m going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it.

This one is round and red.”
Little Johnny’s hand shot up, but he was ignored.
“It’s a plum miss,” said a girl.
“no it’s an apple, but i like your thinking.
The next one is oval shaped and green.”
The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, “It’s a kiwi miss.”
No, it’s a guana, but i like your thinking.”
Little Johnny said, ” I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red nib.”
“Johny, thats disgusting!” shouted the teacher. ” no it’s a match, but i like your thinking.”
Said Little Johnny.


An Australian is taking a walk in New Zealand…

when he looks into the field beside the path and sees a Kiwi farmer having his way with a sheep. He is a little shocked, so he walks over and tells the farmer “You know mate, in Australia we shear sheep.”
The Kiwi farmer looks up at him and exclaims “Not here in New Zeelund bro, I ain’t shearing! Bloody get your own sheep!”

Did you hear about Draymond Green’s new comedy road show?

It’s like Gallagher, but instead of watermelons he only smashes kiwis.

Three New Zealanders and three Australians are at a train station…

The Aussies notice that the Kiwis only bought 1 train ticket between the three of them.

“How exactly do you three plan on travelling with one ticket?” one asked.

“None of your business, mate” said one of the Kiwis.

Skeptical, the Aussies watched them as they boarded the train, to see the three of them walk into the toilet and shut the door.

The ticket collector came into the carriage and seeing the closed bathroom door, started knocking impatiently.

Out came a single hand holding the ticket. The Aussies watched, impressed, as he continued into the next carriage.

The very next morning, the three kiwi’s noticed the Aussies had arrived first, and stood on the edge of the platform eagerly, with just one ticket.

“Thanks for the trick, mate!” sneered one of them.

“Happy to help mate! We thought of a new trick, we’re going to get to work without even buying one ticket!”

The Aussies shook their heads in dismissal, hopped on the train, and immediately rushed into the toilet.

“Well, what are we going to do now” asked one of the other Kiwi’s,

“Don’t worry, just follow me” said the one who had spoken to the Aussies

He strolled on to the train, walked over to the closed bathroom door and started knocking.

Online Source:-

glider-pilot reddit abc11 religion-online haha politically-incorrect-humor ashjokes uglyhedgehog yahoo answers medium miscstories yahoo upjoke commonsenseevaluation

Read More Jokes :




Share and Enjoy !



Add a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *