Find The Best Funny Judge Jokes If Your Answers Is Yes. Here Is A Big List Of Funny Judge Jokes Collection For This Week.

  • The contestants of the Nashville beauty pageant enter the stage.

Infront of them is an audience of over 2000 and a judging panel consisting of one man, on his own, wearing an eyepatch.

Suddenly, the judge thrusts his arm out infront of him. He opens his hand out, and there, sitting in the middle of his palm is a bee staring intensely at the contestants on stage.

A minute or so passes and the bee buzzes its wings. The judge leans forward and angles his ear towards the bee. He nods his head in agreement, lifts his other arm up and points directly at contestant six.

A voice booms over the audience, “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. CONTESTANT 6…PLEASE STEP FORWARD!!”

A barely audible round of applause is heard as contestant 6 waddles her way to the front of the stage. Shes 300lb, a short, hairy, sweaty mess of a woman.

Contestant 2 turns to contestant 3 and says, “What kind of pageant is this!? It doesn’t seem to matter what you look like!”

Contestant 3 looks at her and replies, “I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee holder”.


  • Judge : I order you to pay £10,000

MARIO : why

Judge : it’s a fine

MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not

  • “Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!

  • 3 ducks get arrested and have to go before a judge

The judge calls on the first duck. “State your name and tell me why you were arrested.”

Duck 1: “my name is Quack and I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the park”

The judge, a little annoyed, says, “That’s not a crime! You shouldn’t be here. You are free to go. Next!”

Duck 2 walks up and the judge says, “State your name and why you were arrested.”

Duck 2: “my name is Quack-Quack and I’m here for blowing bubbles in the park”

The judge, a little more annoyed, says, “That’s not a crime either! You are free to go.”

Now the judge is getting frustrated about his time being wasted so he turns to the third duck and says, “Let me guess, your name is Quack-Quack-Quack and you’re here for blowing bubbles in the park.”

Duck 3: “No sir… my name is Bubbles”

  • Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her “pig.”

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a “pig.” Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a “pig.”

“Dave, I’m giving you a chance to walk away scot-free. However, you can no longer call Ms. Johnson a ‘pig.’ Understood?”

“Well… that doesn’t seem fai- “

“-we can let this go to trial, you can spend thousands on lawyers, but if Ms. Johnson’s attorneys can prove calling her a ‘pig’ leads to emotional damage, you’ll end up owing a lot.”

Dave paused. “OK, fine. Can I call a pig ‘Ms. Johnson’?”

The judge looked over his notes. “Yes… you may call a pig ‘Ms. Johnson’ without fear of legal recourse.”

Dave turned to Peggy and said “Good afternoon, Ms. Johnson.”

  • A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking and molesting women.”

The drunk says “Great! Let’s get started.”

  • An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches and is brought before the judge.

The judge asks: “How many peaches were in the can?”

The elderly woman replied: “Six, Your Honor.”

Judge: “In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.”

Her husband raises his hand and says:

“Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas.”

  • Divorce court judge: “Sir, I’m awarding your wife $650 a month alimony.”

“That’s great, your honor. And I’ll send her a little something too.”

  • Two comedians were having a judged competition for telling original knock, knock jokes.

They were both disqualified as the whole competition was essentially a knock off

  • A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge “I cant take it anymore she’s out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight”

The judge responds “what’s she doing”

The guy says “looking for me”


  • Here comes the judge

“Mr. Clark, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce-court judge says, “and I’ve decided to award your wife $775 a week.”
“That’s very fair, Your Honor” the husband says. “And every now and then, I’ll try to send a few bucks myself.”

  • A judge is hearing a child abuse case…

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.

But the boy quietly quivered ‘Please don’t’

‘Why not?’ The judge asked.

‘Because he beats me too.’

‘Oh my dear boy. Do you want to stay with your grandparents instead?’ the judge asked.

But the boy didn’t reply.

The judge was furious, but he maintained his composure for the sake of the boy.

‘Please come up here so I can better hear you’ The judge said.

The little boy walked up and gingerly sat down on the judge’s lap.

‘Now my boy. I am here to make sure that no one will ever hurt you again. I’m afraid that I don’t know who has been violent against you and who hasn’t. So it is entirely up to you. Tell me who you would feel safest with and I will make sure those are the ones that will take care of you.’

The boy thought long and hard and answered: ‘Manchester United. They’ve never beaten anyone.’

  • What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

  • As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.

But he left me hanging.

  • Judge: I order you to pay $10,000

Mr. Demeanour: Why?

Judge: Misdemeanor.

Mr. Demeanour: What’d she do this time?!

  • Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.

That way you’re a mile away, and you have his shoes.

  • A local judge got fired after losing his gavel arm in a car accident.

They said he had no Right to pass judgment.

  • A judge in Soviet Russia walks out of a courtroom giggling to himself.

Another judge stops him and asks what’s so funny.

“Oh man, I just heard this joke about Comrade Stalin in my courtroom.”

“I wan’t to hear it” says the second judge.

The first judge says, “No way, I just gave someone 25 years in the gulag for it.”

  • Extra: Aussie man reprimanded by judge for eating candy and nuts in her courtroom.

Defense: “c’mon Judy, lighten up.. it’s just my trial mix”

  • A cannibal is on trial, and the judge asks him “What is your defence?”

The cannibal responds by saying “You are what you eat.”

  • A man is on trial for cannibalism. The judge asks what the defendant has to say for himself.

The man replies, “if you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here.”

  • There’s a name for people who judge others solely on how they look


  • Why did the judge stop the merger of Duracell and Morton’s?

He couldn’t allow a salt and battery in his court!

  • Guy: Judge him!

Judge: who’s him?

  • A man is in court. The Judges says,”on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?”

“Guilty”, said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted “You dirty rat!” The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued “….. and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead”? “Guilty”, said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, “You dirty rotten stinking rat”!! At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, “I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?” He replied “He is my next door neighbor”. The Judge replied, “I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments”. The man replied “NO, your Honor, you don’t understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn’t have one”!!!

  • Don’t judge a book by its cover. Why?

My maths textbook had a picture of someone having fun on the front.

  • A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.

The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”

  • A North Korean Judge walks out of the courtroom, laughing his head off

His friend approaches him and asks “what’s so funny?”

“Oh, I just heard the funniest political joke.” replies the Judge.

“Tell Me!”

“I can’t – I just gave someone life in prison for it!”

  • A little girl stands before a judge at her custody hearing

The judge asks “would you like to live with your mom?”

The little girl, horrified, shakes her head and says, “No! My mom beats me. I never want to live with her!”

The judge, taken aback a bit, says, “We can give custody to your father, and you can live with him.”

“No!” The little girl cries. “He beats me, too. I can’t live with him.”

The judge shakes his head sadly. “Little girl,” he asks, “who do you want to live with?”

She paused to consider. “Can you let me live with the Dallas Cowboys? They never seem to beat anybody!”

  • A defendant interrupts the judge: “Pardon me, sir,” he starts.

“No.” says the judge.

  • Four ducks are in court for fighting in the park

Judge: You, first duck, what’s your name

Duck1: Duck.

Judge: And what were you doing?

Duck: I was just blowing bubbles.

Judge: Okay, that’s cool…You, second duck, what’s your name?

Duck2: Duck Duck.

Judge: And what were you doing?

Duck Duck: I was just blowing bubbles.

Judge: Okay, that’s cool…You, third duck, what’s your name?

Duck3: Duck Duck Duck

Judge: And what were you doing?

Duck Duck Duck: I was just blowing bubbles.

Judge: Okay, that’s cool…You, last duck. Let me guess, your name is Duck Duck Duck Duck?

Duck4: No, it’s BUBBLES

  • A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, “First offender?”

Woman responds, “No, Your Honor. First a Gibson, then a Fender.”

I just heard this one, so sorry if it’s a repeat.

  • Judge: I hereby send you to prison for 20 years.

Me: Your Honour couldn’t you consider shortening the sentence.
Judge: I send you to prison for 20 years.

  • The judge in a stolen credit card case…

The judge in a stolen credit card case found that the prosecution accidentally demagnetized all of the evidence.

So they dropped all the charges.

  • A couple go to a bar during karaoke night…

and they hear a man sing to most beautiful cover of Stairway to Heaven they had ever heard. Since they were planning their wedding at this time, they approach the man after his performance.

“Wow, that was an amazing cover! Would you like to come perform at the reception of our wedding?” they ask him.

“I would love to! As a matter of fact, I’m a justice too, so I could even wed you two in the same day!” he replied.

So it was settled, and the man showed up to their wedding, and wed the two together. Everything was going just perfect until the reception… Ever song the man sang was just horrendous, he was off key in every verse, and at some points even forgot the lyrics. The moral of the story is, never book a judge by his cover.

  • The Pregnant Woman On The Bus (not mine)

Another classic…

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughi… read more

  • How did the judge find out about the rotten milk?

There was odor in the quart

  • A brawl took place in a basketball game. A judge came in and used his gavel to stop it.

He brought order in the court

  • I was convicted of a crime and the judge was also an English teacher.

Let’s just say he gave me a long sentence.

  • All crime should be punished, no exceptions. That is why I called the cops on my cat after she gave birth to kittens. Now don’t judge me for doing what had to be done, we all know

*littering* is a crime.

  • A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident…

In court, the trucking company’s fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question, …please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road….”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie”.

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, “How are you feeling?”

“Now tell me, what the heck would you say?”

  • On the first day of Juvenal court, the judge was sitting down to start reviewing the day’s cases.

“Bring out the first defendant,” He said to the new bailiff. He left, and came back a moment later with young boy who was accused of shoplifting. He was covered in black soot, wore tattered overalls, and over-sized work boots and gloves.

The judged asked the boy why he came to court dirty and ill dressed, to which he replied ‘It isn’t my fault!’ the judge ordered him back to the jailhouse to get cleaned up and to come back tomorrow. The bailiff brought out the next defendant, a young lady who was accused of drinking. She was dressed the same as the boy, even though she came from a wealthy family. “Why are you dressed like that, young lady?” The judge asked, and the defendant said the same thing. ‘It isn’t my fault!’

The bailiff brought out the third defendant, a sixteen year old accused of shooting his father. The young man was clean and shaven, and wore a relatively nice suit. The judge sent him away to prison and looked to the bailiff again. “I don’t understand why those other two children were in such poor conditions,” he asked.

“Oh,” The bailiff said, “Well I dumped a bag of coal over their heads and put them in some old overalls, your honor.”

The judge, red faced with anger, asked, “Why would you do that?!”

“You see your honor,” The bailiff explained. “I was told they were to be tried as miners!”

  • A husband and wife were having problems…

A husband and wife were having problems and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their breakup.

The judge asked the husband,”What had brought you to this point where you are unable to keep this ma… read more

  • why did you steal a car

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

  • The judge looked disapprovingly at the defendant

“How could you defraud the people who trusted you?”
“Your honour, how would I be able to defraud people who didn’t trust me?”

  • A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

“About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?”
<br>”I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband’s parents.”

The judge took a deep breath and asked, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don’t have a car.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can’t seem to do anything about it.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.”

The judge asked, “Is your husband a nagger?”

“Oh, hell no, he’s as white as you and me!”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can’t communicate with me.”

  • Yeast judge:

All rise

  • Tony is at court trying to understand why he has $3,000 in parking tickets

Judge: It’s a fine.

Tony: Itsa NOT fine!

  • Don’t judge a book by its cover.

Unless it’s a spy book, then it better have a good one.

  • The lion’s birthday is coming up and he wants entertainment.

So he tells the zebra to find the funniest animal in the whole kingdom. In order to do this the zebra decides to hold a competition in which animals will have to compete in front of a judge. Whoever the first one to makemake the judge laugh wins and will perform for the lion.

So the first thing the zebra does is look for the most serious animal. He walks up to a tortoise and asks, “Hey tortoise, I’m holding a competition and all you have to do is sit there and laugh if you find an animal to be funny. Will you do it?” The tortoise responds, “…Yes.”

The day of the competition arrives and all The animals have gathered to compete. Since this is for the lion, the zebra decides to raise the stakes to ensure every animal delivers their full potential. He says, “Animals, your goal is to make the tortoise laugh. If you are able to do so, you win and get to perform for the lion. If you fail to make the tortoise laugh, then you will be killed and become the lion’s meal.”

The competition begins and up first is the monkey. He jumps from tree to tree, does flips, and makes funny noises. The zebra becomes pleased and looks at the tortoise and asks what he thinks, to which the tortoise says, “…” Since there is no reaction from the judge, the monkey is killed.

Up next is the ostrich. He runs around in circles and is moving his long neck. He jumps and does funny moves. The zebra is once again pleased and turns to see the reaction of the tortoise, which once again is, “…” So there’s nothing the zebra can do and they have the ostrich killed.

This pattern goes on with many of the funniest animals and the zebra becomes worried that they won’t have someone for the lion’s party. All of a sudden the next animal approaches, the hippopotamus. The zebra knows that he won’t be able to perform any fun tricks and just as he’s about to have him killed, he hears a chuckle from the tortoise. That chuckle turns into full blown roars of laughter. The zebra is bewildered and asks the tortoise, “Hey what’s so funny? He hasn’t done anything! He is literally just standing there!”

The tortoise responds, “HAHA, wow that monkey was hilarious!”

  • What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law

A great lawyer knows the judge..

  • Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce

You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he’d like to live with?

“Well not papa bear he beats me,” says baby bear.

“So mama bear?” asks the Judge.

“Oh no she beats me even worse than papa bear,” says baby bear.

“So who would you like to live with?” the Judge asks curiously.

“My grandma bear in Chicago.” says baby bear.

“Your grandma bear doesn’t beat you?” asks the Judge?

“Oh no the Chicago Bears don’t beat anyone.”

  • How do judges learn who’s guilty and who’s not?

By trial and error.

  • Feeling like someone is judging you?

Sometimes, you need take a look back at what you have done and blame yourself rather than the federal judge.

  • A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.

“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”

“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.

“Sustained,” said the judge. “If there’s anything that can contradict such a moving testimony, I’d like to know so that I can make the best decision.”

“Officer, I have three questions for you.” Continued the judge. “First, where do you keep your personal belongings at the station?”

The officer recognized this to be an odd question, but he humored the lawyer. “The locker room, I suppose.”

“Excellent,” replied the lawyer “and do you keep those items under lock and key?”

“I do”

“Right” the lawyer grinned “so, if you trust your fellow cops so much, why do you feel the need to lock your items at work?”

The officer chuckled. “Well, at the station we do have quite a few detainments… so we know lawyers pass through all the time!”

  • The doctor said I had 3 months.

So I shot him and the judge gave me 30 years.

  • 2 dudes talking about their time in prison.

Dude 1: The judge told me I was going to be convicted for murder and I would have to be in prison for 10 years. He asked me if I wanted to say something. I knew I was innocent so I started talking, until the moment where I was going to prove that I wasn’t the murderer, then the judge interrupted me. And the judge’s decision was final, I was going to prison for 10 years.
Now they released me after 5 years.

Dude 2: Wow man, that really sucks.

Dude 1: Yeah, I wish i could have finished my sentence.

Dude 2: Why would you want to be in prison 5 more years?

  • A perpetual criminal offender is brought to the court house for trial. However the judge is a duck wearing robes and a powdered wig

. The criminal is incensed, he shouts out “I will not be judged by a common duck”
The judge says to the defence lawyer “If you don’t silence your client he will be held in contempt.”
The defence says “Yes Mallard”

  • My wife says I judge her too much…

She was held in contempt of court for saying that.

  • The Doctor Gave Me One Year to Live.

So in the heat of the moment, I shot him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

  • A man is begging a judge to let him off jury duty because of his job.

“I’m sure your company can get along fine without you for a few days,” the judge tells the man.

“I know,” the man answers. “But that’s what I’m trying to prevent them from figuring out.”

  • The Southern Grandma

-Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’

  • One time there was a man with no money.

He got a job as a train conductor. One day he walked up to a man on the train and shot him point-blank and stole his money.

Well, when everyone got off the train he was immediately arrested. He got sentenced to death by the judge and went to be executed by electric chair.

The executioner gave him his last meal, put him in the chair, and connected the wires. He pulled the switch, and nothing happened!

The law said the conductor was dead, so they had to release him.

Well, he went back to work, and got a job as conductor again! This time, he shot two men on the train and robbed them.

He was sentenced to death again, and the jail technicians were brought in to make sure the chair worked this time. The executioner gave him his last meal, and he pulled the switch.

Once again, nothing happened! They released him as the law required.

This time, he got a job as a conductor once again. He robbed and killed three men this time!

The judge sentenced him to death, they checked the chair even better this time, and they gave him his last meal. The executioner pulled the switch one more time.

It failed again! Not so much as a hair moved on his body. Before they released him, the executioner asked why he killed the men.

“Well, I don’t have any money!”, he replied.

“And why won’t you die when we electrocute you?”, the executioner asked.

“I told you, sir. I’m just a poor conductor!”

  • A man is in court
OMG!  The 20+ Best Gliding Jokes Collection For This Week

(Long but worth it)

Judge: “You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you’ll have to give us a damn good reason.”
Man: “She was so stupid, I just had to kill her.”
Judge: “That is even worse. If you don’t want to be declared guilty on the spot, you … read more

  • Before you judge somebody who doesn’t use the metric system…

You should walk 1.609344 kilometers in their shoes.

  • A 15 year old boy was at the center of Cook County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and conference with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New York Knicks, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

  • The Police Officer took my weed, but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

  • Once Upon A Time there was a International Poets Contest. All the poets from across the lands came to compete bringing there best original work to compete against their peers. For 40 days and nights they competed eliminating Poet after Poet.

On the 40th day they had narrowed it down to only 2 poets. Both poets read poems back to back for 12 hours, each poem as good as the last. After the 12th hour the judge’s became exhausted and realized that this may never end as both poets were equally amazing. They had to decide a winner and they had to decide it now. So they called a recess and went to a separate room to come up with a way of figuring this out. After a hour they came back and called in the poets. The head judge addressed them proclaiming “Both of you are the creme of the crop, the top of your game and we cannot decide who is better so we have come up with a single elimination spontaneous poem based on a random subject that neither one of you have ever mentioned in all of your work. You will have exactly 1 minute to prepare your poem and after both contestants have read their work we will decide. The subject is Timbuktu!”
Both poets immediately started to contemplate their upcoming feat and after 30 seconds the first poet stepped forward. “Esteemed judges, I Am ready.” He cleared his throat, “Timbuktu by Robert Frost of London England…..Ye as I walk across this foreign land, i feel my feet upon the sand, I see a train coming thru, on its way to Timbuktu” the judges looked at eachother with agreement that this was a poet at his prime. They thanked him and Mr Frost stepped back. The next Poet stepped up with a grin and addressed the judges. “My Poem is ready sirs and Madams, Timbuktu by Ollie Johnson of Ballard Washington…..Tim and I a hunting we went, when we spotted three maidens in a tent, well they was three and we was two, so I bucked one and Tim Bucked Two.

  • It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, “Order!!”

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I’m being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

  • A plaintiff with feverish symptoms asks the judge for medication

Motrin denied

  • Bribe…

A farmer consults a lawyer friend for his case. He had built a house in the plot of another farmer and now the other farmer has sued him, demanding the house demolished.

The lawyer calmly explains the farmer is in the wrong, he should not have built a house on another person’s land. He advises the farmer should settle out of the court to cut his losses.

\- “What if I send a nice ram to the judge, as a gift” the farmer asks.

The lawyer laughs heartily. He explains he knows the judge, who’s literally the symbol of justice in their local circle and the farmer would **definitely** lose the case if he ever tried to bribe the judge.

A couple months pass, the farmer revisits the lawyer friend to give the good news. He has won the case! The lawyer can’t believe how such an obvious mistake the judge could make and queries further for more details.

\- “I sent the judge a ram as a gift”, the farmer says laughing. “In my opponent’s name.”

  • NZ joke for you

There was a man out tramping the Milford track.
He got horribly lost and went for a week without food by the 8th day he came across a kiwi and decided to cook and eat it. Half way through his meal a D.O.C ( department of conservation ) ranger found him, outraged he took him to court.

The judge was sympathetic towards the man but also curious. Before he let the man go he asked him “what dose kiwi taste like”? The man man replied “like a cross between yellowed eyed penguin and takahe.

  • I heard a story once about an American train driver.

He was operating a late night train and feel asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognize a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But… Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he’d fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence – the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn’t die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where – somehow – he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people – a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wily – he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it’s said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was whetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. “I don’t understand! I set the equipment up myself, I know I did it right, and I know it’s all working! And I didn’t let you have any bananas! Please, you have to tell me – why are you still alive?”

“It’s quite simple” replied the train driver. “It has nothing to do with the bananas – I’m just a really, really bad conductor.”

  • A football judge

Kicked his wife out of the bed for a simulation!

  • A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread. The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge: [to the homeless man] Do you deny this?

Homeless man: No, your honor.

Judge: Do you have any coins?

Homeless man: Just a few quarters, your Honor.

Judge: Give them here.

Homeless man: Your Honor, they’re all I have!

Judge: That may be so, but please just give me those coins.

Homeless man: Very well. [hands over the coins]

Judge: [to the stand owner] Pay close attention. [drops coins on the table] Did you hear that?

Stand owner: Yes, your Honor.

Judge: Excellent. Now you take the sound of those coins as payment for the smell of the meat.

  • A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn’t start.

He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.

Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. “Where are they,” asked the driver.

“You mean to say that you don’t know where the courthouse is?” asked the incredulous judge.

“The courthouse? Of course I know where that is.” replied the driver.

“But I thought you said you wanted to go to the ‘halls of justice.”

  • My parents are having custody battle right now. My mom’s argument to the judge is that she gave birth to me. My dad said…

I was his little squirt

  • During the divorce, the judge couldn’t decide who got the shack in the backyard, in spite of our numerous arguments.

It was a case of he shed, she shed.

  • Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.

She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize” they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

  • The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, “So how do you plead?”
  • “Not guilty” said the second defendant.
  • “I wasn’t talking to you” the judge replied.
  • “I never said a word” the third defendant replied.
  • The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.

“I was just trying to feed my hungry family,” he told the judge, “and I\’ve never done anything like that before.”

The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.

“Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question,” the judge quipped, “What does Egret taste like?”

“Well your Honor,” the man told him, “Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!”

  • At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”
    The witness stared out the window as though he hadn’t hear the question.

“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”
“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. “So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.” Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.”

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon … “Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits.”

  • ·       A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars.

The partner was horrified. “The judge is an honorable man,” the partner exclaimed. “If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!”

Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer’s client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars to the judge?”, the partner asked.

“But I did send them,” replied the lawyer. “I just enclosed the plaintiff’s lawyer’s business card!”

  • ·       Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

“Your Honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.”

“Why ?” asked the judge. “He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?”

“Well, Your Honor,” replied Carlson, “I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.”

  • ·       A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn’t true.

“I’m as sober as you are, your honor,” the man claimed.

The judge replied, “Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.”

  • ·       A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

“What for?” he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s why!”

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”

The man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”

  • ·       The Judge admonished the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?”

“I do.”
“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”
“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”

  • ·       The Judge asked the defendant, “Mr. Jones ,do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?”
  • “I do.”
  • “Now what do you say to defend yourself?”
  • “Your Honor, under those limitations… nothing.”
  • The judge said to his dentist:

“Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.”

  • ·Judge: “Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?”

Defendant: “Yes, it’s true.”
Judge: “Then, why don’t you just pay him back?”
Defendant: “Because it wouldn’t be true anymore.”

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.

  • ·A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. “Not guilty,” the woman answered emphatically.

The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: “Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf – who was waving a union jack – on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the center of London, in a blizzard?”

The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said: “What was the date again?”

  • A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”

  • Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they’re a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

  • Courtroom Q & A

Q: All your responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand?
A: Yes
Q: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995?
A: Oral.

  • Q. Are you married?

A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.

  • Q: Your first marriage was terminated by death?

A: Yes, by death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

  • Q: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement, is that correct?

A: Yes.
Q: And these same stairs, did the also go up?

  • Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?

A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

  • Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are on dead people.

  • When you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren’t

smart enough to get out of jury duty!

  • Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.

Justice: A decision in your favor.

  • Cross-examination Revisited

 “Now, your youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”

 “Were you alone, or by yourself?”

 “Were you present when your picture was taken?”

 “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the accident?”

 “Did he kill you?”

 “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”

 “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”

 “How many times have you committed suicide?”

  • How many judges does it take to change a light bulb?

 Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him.

 Just one, but two lawyers have to explain him how to do it.

  • Custody Case

 A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, “Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?”

  • and o

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.” Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.” “17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?” “I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle)is your brain after drugs.” “That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd guy) “Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs  forever.” “156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!” “Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, “This is your asshole before prison….”

  • Shoplifting

An old lady gets caught shoplifting. On court day the lady and her husband who goes with her stands before the judge and he says to her, “Why did you shoplift?” And she says “I was hungry.” The judge says “What did you take?” She replys, “A can of peaches.” So the judge trying to figure out how to punish her says, “How many peaches where in the can?” The lady says “6” so the judge says ok then 1 day per peach in jail that will be 6 days time served. The judge says would anyone like to say anything and her husband says your honor, “She stole a can of peas too”

  • Child Welfare

A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Cuyahoga County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Cleveland Browns, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

  • Female Sheriff

Recently, a female sheriff’s deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (Georgia) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. “You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around,” he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. “Guess I was really into it, y’know?” he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff’s car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Deputy Taylor. “I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just humping away at this pumpkin.” Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence… “I said: ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?” He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: “A pumpkin? Shit … is it midnight already?” The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10. and sent on his way.

  • Judge: “Have you anything to offer to this Court before I pass sentence?”

Defendant: “No your honor, my lawyer took every penny.”

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