TOP 120+ BEST FUNNY DOG JOKES COLLECTION

Find The Best Funny Dog Jokes If Your Answers Is Yes. Here Is A Big List Of Funny Dog Jokes Collection For This Week.

Hello everyone! I’m a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly “mmm… that was some good lion meat!”.

The lion abruptly stops and says “woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can”.

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily “get on my back, we’ll get him together”.

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts “where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”

 

I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”

But today, I ran over 5 miles

In America, dogs are K9…

In China, dogs are E10.

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s Dog and Schrodinger’s Cat

She said it rang a bell but wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore.

W.H.O. let the dogs out.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, “WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH 2 DEAD DOGS

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today….

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

Thanks for the silver.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it…

What do u give a dog that has high temperature?

Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog

Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant

They want to go in but there’s a sign on the door that says “no pets allowed – service dogs only”. The guy with the doberman says, “don’t worry I got this.” He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.

The manager comes up to him and says, “sir, you can’t have your dog in here.” The man replies, you don’t understand, this is my seeing guide dog.” Skeptical, the manager asks, “your guide dog is a doberman?” The man replies, “you see, a doberman helps protect me against burglars.” The manager lets him through.

The chihuahua guy sees this and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks inside. The manager approaches him and says, “sir, you can’t bring your dog in here.” The man replies, “you don’t understand, this is my seeing guide dog.” The manager, ever so skeptical, asks, “your guide dog is a chihuahua?”

The man, quick to think, says, “a chihuahua? They gave me a chihuahua?!?”

A man is out walking his dogs

another guy Comes up to him and asks “excuse me are those Jack Russels?”
The owner quickly replies “No they’re mine!”

 

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter. He isn’t coming either way.

A test to see if your wife or your dog loves you more: put them both in the trunk for two hours

Then open the trunk. Who’s happy to see you?

If I had a dog I would name it stain

So whenever I would call for it, I would yell “come stain!”

What do far-sighted gynecologists and dogs have in common?

Wet noses

Two dogs walked into a bar….

As soon as the bartender saw them he said “Sorry, we don’t serve dogs here”.

The dogs replied with “I should hope you don’t, this isn’t China!”

A wise Chinese man once said, “If a dog barks ..

… it’s undercooked”

A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says: “Ten dollars.”

The guy says: “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?”

The owner replies: “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

Me: “Nice dog!”

Policeman: “Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.”

Me: “Still in training, huh?”

Policeman: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Never mind”

A guy walks into a bar with his dog

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says “you can’t have a dog in here!” The guy says, “this is a really smart dog. If I prove that to you, can we stay?” And the bartender says sure.

So the guy turns to the dog and says “What goes on top of a house?”

And the dog barks “Roof!”

And the bartender isn’t impressed but let’s him continue. The guy says “What does sandpaper feels like?”

The dog answers “Rough!”

The bartender is rolling his eyes at this point but gives the guy one last shot. The guy asks his dog “Who’s the best baseball player of all time?”

The dog replies “Ruth!”

The bartender is done and kicks them both out of the bar.

The guy and the dog are sitting there and the dog turns to the guy and says “I’m sorry, should I have said DiMaggio?”

We lost our dog at the grocery store while buying vegetables

If you see him, lettuce know

What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxi’s

Karate Dog

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors’ houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, “I need a good guard dog.”

And the clerk replied, “Sorry, we’re all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.”

The wife didn’t believe him so he said to the dog, “Karate that chair.”

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, “Karate that table.” The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said “Karate my azz

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of dogs and cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

If a young dog could drink soda, what would they drink?

Pupsi

A cat says meow, a dog says woof. What does a hippo say?

“Gimme your marbles!”

A man saw a sign on a farm: Talking dog for sale

He asks the farmer where the dog is.

Out back.

The man goes up to the dog, in his doghouse and says, hey what’s your story?

The dog speaks: Well, as soon as I found out I could talk I wanted to be of service to my country. So I went to the CIA. They placed me as a spy in foreign countries and I brought them back tons of intel. You’d be surprised what people will talk about when there’s only a dog in the room. After a few years of that I got tired of living abroad, so I came back to the US got hired by the FBI and busted up drug and human trafficking rings. Same deal. I’d bring back intel about what plans the criminals had and the FBI would make arrests. Well after a few more years of that I really got tired of the jet set life, so I came to live on this farm, and had a bunch of kids.

Wow that’s an amazing story, says the man.

He goes in to talk to the farmer.

Hey how much you want for that dog?

The farmer says, pffft…five bucks.

Five bucks, that’s it? Why so little?

Man, that dog’s a liar, he’s never done any of those things!

I went to the zoo today, but all they had was a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

One night, my dog brings me my neighbour’s rabbit, dead in its mouth.

It’s dirty, definitely dead and I’m a bit drunk so I panic. My neighbours hate me anyway. This could get me evicted.

So I take the rabbit, meticulously wash off the dirt and dry it. Then I sneak over the fence and put it back in it’s hutch, leaving no trace. Job well done.

My neighbour knocks on my door the following day. He looks confused.

“Did you see anything going on last night?”

I say I hadn’t.

“I can’t explain it. Someone’s dug up my dead rabbit, washed it and put it in its hutch.”

OMG!  TOP 150+ BEST FUNNY ANIMAL JOKES COLLECTION

My dog bit a kid so I had to put him down

Otherwise he might have told his parents

If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help…

Follow the dog and you’ll get a free purse or wallet

What’s the difference between marriage and a dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Hey, girl. Do you like dogs?

Because I’m small, hairy, and hung like a Border Terrior.

Today my math teacher showed us how a lazy dog is the same as a sheet of paper.

A lazy dog is a slow pup.

A slope up is an inclined plane.

An ink lined plane is a sheet of paper.

I tried to tell my dog a knock knock joke.

But he just started barking.

Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

Fo’ drizzle

I tried playing frisbee with my dog in the park.

We tried for two hours, but really, I’d need a much flatter dog for that.

What is a dog catcher’s favorite food?

Pound cake.

P.S. (I thought of this one on my own so hopefully it’s original. My daughter liked it anyway so I guess that’s all that matters!)

How do you get your dog to like mashed potatoes?

You gravy train

What time is it when you see 16 dogs running down the street?

Fifteen after one.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Anything you want. He still won’t come.

A sheep dog says “That’s all 40 sheep.” A shepherd says “What we only have 37??”

The sheep dog says “I know, i rounded them up”

A blind fella is in a department store walking up and down the aisles with a white cane in one hand while swinging a service dog on a leash above his head with the other hand. A store employee asks if he needs assistance.

The blind fella replies, “No thanks, just looking.”

Man walks into a bar…. with a dog

Bartender says “ you out! No dogs allowed.”

The man says, “ but it’s a talking dog.”

The bar keep is interested. “ what do you mean a talking dog?”

The dog owner looks at his dog and asks, “ what is on top of a house?”

Roof roof says the dog.

The bartender points to the door.

“ no wait.” Pleads the man, he looks at his dog. “What is on the outside of a tree?”

“Bark, bark!” Says the dog

The bartender knows he’s being had and drags them both toward the door.

“Wait, wait,” the man says and asks the dog.

“ what is the name of the greatest baseball player of all time?”

“Ruth, Ruth! Says the dog.

They are both thrown out into the street.

The dog walks up the man, looks back at the bar, then to the man who is sitting splay legged in the street, and says “ DiMaggio?”

 

Why can’t dogs tell knock knock jokes?

Because they start barking before they can deliver the punchline.

Little Johnny and his dad were walking through a park when they saw two dogs going at it.

“What are they doing?” Little Johnny asked.

“They’re making a puppy.” was the reply.

Later that night, Little Johnny walked in on his parents. “What are you doing?”

“We’re making you a sibling.”

“Well, turn her over. I want a puppy.”

I’ve got a dog called Curiosity. …….

….. I no longer have a cat.

What were the odds in 1957 of being the exact stray dog chosen to be the first living thing in space?

Laika million to one

Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners

But catscan

My dog was walking a little weird but then I realised…

He had two left feet.

I saw my dog walk over sandpaper

He said rough rough

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; “$5 for talking dog, take next left.”

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I’ll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the garage, where a dog is lying on a dog bed. It sees them and walks over to them.

F: Go on, ask him anything.

The man says;

M: Alright dog, tell me about yourself.

To the mans surprise, the dog begins to speak, clearly and with proper words, not the typical “arooo you” that you usually hear on the internet.

D: Well, when I was a young pup, I always wanted to serve my country. So, as soon as I could, I enlisted with the airport security as a sniffer dog. I was real good at my job too, got a few promotions and turned some heads. Eventually, the US army picked me up as a bomb-sniffer dog, and I helped prevent tragedies all across the country and oversees. After a while I retired, found myself a nice girl, had a few pups, and finally came to this farm to live out my golden years.

The man is stunned. He says to the farmer:

M: Holy cow, you were right! Why are you only asking $5 for this dog!?

F: Cause he’s a liar! He ain’t ever done any of that!

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks: “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”

The lawyer answers: “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a cheque for $8.50.

In a few days, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer that reads: “$20 due for a consultation.”

Give a man a dog and he’ll be happy for a day.

But if you teach a man to dog….

I told my dog that he was adopted

He hasn’t spoken to me since

Two men are sitting on a park bench

And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking its balls.

The men watch for a moment and one says “Gosh, I wish I could do that.”

The other says “Well, you’d better pet him a little first.”

a blind man walks into a bar with his guide dog…

suddenly, he starts swinging his dog like a helicopter in the air…
the bartender: what the bloody hell are you doing?…
the blind man: chill, bro, im just looking aroung

A group of explorers, along with a dog, are exploring the Amazon when the dog gets separated from the group.

While the dog is looking for the group, a jaguar sees the dog.

“I’ve never seen an animal like that before!” says the jaguar. “He looks tasty!”

The jaguar runs towards the dog, but the dog thinks quickly. Just as the jaguar is about to nab the dog, the dog says, “That jaguar I had earlier today was delicious!” The jaguar slinks away.

From a treetop overhead, a toucan sees the whole thing. He flies down to the jungle floor and tells everything to the jaguar.

The two of them look for the dog together so the jaguar can finally eat him. Finally, they see the dog.

The dog looks behind him and sees the jaguar and the toucan. Once again he thinks quickly.

He says, “I told that stupid toucan to bring me another jaguar an hour ago!”

A man, a dog, and a cow were on a cruise when their ship sank.

The man, the dog, and the cow were the only survivors. They swam to a deserted island covered with a thick jungle.

They started to explore the jungle. There was enough food in the jungle to feed the three of them, and the man could build a shelter out of the trees. “We can live here for years,” said the man.

After spending a few days on the island, the man realized that he was unlikely ever to see a woman again. “From now on,” he thought, “I will have to do it with my cow.”

The man lowered his pants. He ran towards the cow. But the dog jumped onto the cow’s back. He growled at the man. The man backed off. He put his pants back on. The dog jumped off the cow’s back and walked away.

Again, the man lowered his pants. Again, he ran towards the cow. Again, the dog jumped onto the cow’s back. Again, he growled at the man. Again, the man backed off. Again, he put his pants back on. Again, the dog jumped off the cow’s back and walked away.

For the third time, the man lowered his pants. For the third time, he ran towards the cow. For the third time, the dog jumped onto the cow’s back. For the third time, he growled at the man. For the third time, the man backed off. For the third time, he put his pants back on. For the third time, the dog jumped off the cow’s back and walked away.

The man was about to lower his pants a fourth time, when a huge, hairy monster jumped out from behind a bush. The beast looked like a cross between a lion and a gorilla that was the size of an elephant. He chased the man and his companions through the jungle.

Finally, the monster had the man, the dog, and the cow cornered. The man closed his eyes and waited for the beast to kill him. Suddenly, he felt something grab him, and the next instant he was flying through the air.

When the man opened his eyes, he was sitting safely in a tree with a woman who was holding a vine. He figured that the woman must have rescued him. The woman swung back down on the vine and rescued the dog and even the cow, and carried them into the tree. Then she jumped down from the tree and effortlessly killed the enormous monster.

After the woman lowered the other three from the tree, the man took a good look at her. She was completely naked, and very beautiful. She also had some pretty impressive muscles, which somehow made her even more beautiful. The man was so stunned, all he could say was, “You…you saved our lives.”

“Were you on a cruise?” she asked. “Yes,” said the man. “So was I,” said the woman. “When I was five years old, I was on a cruise with my family. Then the ship sank, and I was the only one to survive. I swam to this island, and it wasn’t long before I had my first narrow escape from one of those huge monsters. I had to make myself strong in order to survive here.”

“You are the first human I have seen in fifteen years, and I would be willing to do anything for you.”

The man looked at the beautiful, naked woman with a sly grin on his face. “Anything?” he asked. “Oh, yes!” said the woman.

“In that case,” said the man, “would you take my dog here for a walk?”

OMG!  TOP 20+ BEST FUNNY RECORDER JOKES COLLECTION FOR THIS WEEK

What does the speaker say to the dog when they first meet?

“Sup, woofer!”

2 guys are walking down the road when they come across a dog licking his balls. One guy says, “Awh man, I’d love to do that”.

Other guy says, “Hmm well maybe you’d better pet him first”.

A lady’s dog is diagnosed as hard of hearing…

Her vet says it’s because of the hair growing in its ears. So, she goes to the pharmacist with a prescription for a hair removal ointment.

The pharmacist tells her: “ If it’s for under your arms, use a quarter cup, if it’s for your legs, use a full cup.”

She says, “actually, it’s for my Schnauzer.”

The pharmacist says:”Oh , then use the whole bottle and don’t ride a bike for a week.”

Did you know Helen Keller had a dog?

Nether did she.

Police came around last night and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes

My dogs don’t even have bikes

A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a desert island. (Long)

They are the only living things there, besides some birds and rodents, and soon, they figure out how to work together to survive and not go insane. The dog hunts, the man cooks, and the pig forages for truffles. There are many truffles on this particular island. They have a perfectly functioning life, if a little boring.

One afternoon, all three are sitting on the beach, watching the most beautiful sunset they have seen in their lives. And the man starts feeling melancholy. He feels empty, almost, like there is a pit in the bottom of his stomach. He soon realizes that this emptiness can only be fulfilled by a womanly touch. He glances over to the pig, and imagines it as a beautiful, completely stunning woman. He leans in to kiss her, and just as their lips are about to meet, the dog jumps up and starts barking, snapping the man out of his trance.

A few weeks later, a woman washes up on shore. She soon becomes an integral part of their small society, looking for food, helping the man skin and cook animals, and being an all-around happy presence on this deserted island.

On another afternoon, much like the one previously mentioned, the four are staring out into an incredible sunset, and the man, he starts feeling this feeling again. This feeling of melancholy, that which only a woman can cure. He looks over at the woman who washed up in this island, this beautiful woman, and he says,

“Do you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

Where is a dog’s favorite place to get coffee in the morning?

>!Starbarks!<

My dog likes to hump her bed

Yeah, she likes it ruf

The cops just stopped by and said I was in trouble because my dog was chasing someone on a bike

My dog doesn’t even OWN a bike.

My wife just made this up on the spot: What did the top dog of the pack do for fun on the weekend?

He drove his ‘alpha’ Romeo!

A man is walking his disabled dog that has a wheelchair for her front legs. It starts barking at a passerby that looks scared of the dog. The man assures the passerby that it’s okay…

She’s armless.

Life is like a dog sled team.

If you’re not the lead dog, the view is always the same.

When I was in 2nd grade, my dog Brick was hit by a car and killed, and my mom tried to console me. She said, “He’s probably already in Heaven with God.”

I said, “Why would God want a dead dog?”

I went to the psychiatrist because I think I’m a dog…

The psychiatrist says “no problem, lay down on the couch.”

I told him “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

The other day I got my kids a dog and they called it Sky

Guess I’m a Jedi now

Dog vs Wife – How can you tell who loves you more, your dog or your wife?

Lock each of them in the trunk of your car for 8 hours to know who’s truly happiest to see you when you open it.

I took a road trip with my German buddy and when I accidentally dropped my hot dog out the window he swung the car around to go back and get it. . .

That’s when the whole trip really took a turn for the wurst.

My dog is a watch dog.

He enjoyed chewing on my Rolex.

The dog we adopted keeps eating our paper towels

Turns out he was trained as a Bounty hunter

The dog and hieroglyphics

Hello!

Why did the dog know how to read hieroglyphics?

He was an Egypt-chien!

What’s Devo’s favourite breed of dog?

Whippet. Whippet good.

Nice dog,

did you get it from the flea market?

Hey, what a nice dog you have there, what’s his name?

– He’s called Homeopathy.
– Can I pet him?
– Yeah sure, he won’t do anything.

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

2 dogs walk into a bar…

One dog bumped into the other and he replied,

“Hey buddy, get your paws off me. If you want to get ruff we can settle this in the barking lot.”

A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it…..

….I think that’s a bit far fetched.

A man and his dog walk into a bar.

The man says to the bartender, “Look, this dog can talk. Let me ask him some questions, and he’ll answer.”

The bartender looks sceptical, but says, “Okay, pal, you’re on.”

“Rex, what’s on top of a house?”

The dog barks. The man says, “See there, he said ‘roof’!”

The bartender’s eyes narrow.

The man smiles nervously. He asks the dog, “Rex, how does sandpaper feel on your paws?”

Again, Rex barks. The man says, “See there, he said ‘rough’!”

Now the bartender is getting irritated.

The man, with beads of sweat on his forehead, asks Rex, “Who was the greatest baseball player of the twentieth century?”

Rex barks a third time. The man says, “See there, he said ‘Ruth’!”

The bartender has had enough, and throws them out onto the street.

The man, bruised and bloodied, says to Rex, “How could you do this to me?”

Rex says, “You mean it was DiMaggio?”

What are your dogs doin’ up in the engine, sir?

Dognostics on the bark plugs.

A woman walks into a diner carrying a dog under her arm. She puts the dog on the counter and announces that the dog can talk. The woman says she has $100 she’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t.

The head cook quickly takes the bet and asks the dog, “What’s the thing on top of this building that keeps rain out?”

The dog answers, “Roof.” The cook says, “Who are you kidding, I’m not paying!”

The dogs owner says, “Double or nothing, and I’ll ask him something else.” The cook agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, “Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?”

The dog answers with a muffled, “Ruth.”

With that, the cook picks both of them up and tossed them out on to the street. As they bounce on the sidewalk in front of the diner, the dog looks at his owner and says, “DiMaggio?”

 

I accidentally kicked my dog and it bit me on the ball’s

My friend say’s it’s karma but if anything it’s angrier than before.

Doctor Doctor, I Feel like a dog.

Doctor: Hop up on the Bed and ill examine you.

Patient: No.

Doctor: Why Not?

Patient: I’m not allowed on the furniture.

How do you make a dog drink?

Put him in a blender.

Grandma and Grandpa are trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, has died.

“You know,” Grandma said, “it’s not so bad. Skipper’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.” Susie stops crying and asks, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

Dog fight

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, “Geez that’s a weird dog; he’s stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn’t have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win, but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and when it’s finished there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and asks, “Say what breed is that anyway?”

The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”

What is your dog’s least favorite book in the Bible?

Neuteronomy

Hello everyone! I’m a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

In America, dogs are K9…

In China, dogs are E10

The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore.

W.H.O. let the dogs out.

A man is out walking his dogs

another guy Comes up to him and asks “excuse me are those Jack Russels?”
The owner quickly replies “No they’re mine!”

Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant

They want to go in but there’s a sign on the door that says “no pets allowed – service dogs only”. The guy with the doberman says, “don’t worry I got this.” He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.

The manager comes up to him and says, “sir, you can’t have your dog in here.” The man replies, you don’t understand, this is my seeing guide dog.” Skeptical, the manager asks, “your guide dog is a doberman?” The man replies, “you see, a doberman helps protect me against burglars.” The manager lets him through.

The chihuahua guy sees this and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks inside. The manager approaches him and says, “sir, you can’t bring your dog in here.” The man replies, “you don’t understand, this is my seeing guide dog.” The manager, ever so skeptical, asks, “your guide dog is a chihuahua?”

The man, quick to think, says, “a chihuahua? They gave me a chihuahua?!?”

OMG!  TOP 120+ BEST FUNNY HOT DOG JOKES COLLECTION

What do far-sighted gynecologists and dogs have in common?

Wet noses

Two dogs walked into a bar….

As soon as the bartender saw them he said “Sorry, we don’t serve dogs here”.

The dogs replied with “I should hope you don’t, this isn’t China!”

What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxi’s

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.
She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of dogs and cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

Hey, girl. Do you like dogs?

Because I’m small, hairy, and hung like a Border Terrior.

The World Health Organisation has stated that animals can’t get Corona virus and that all dogs in quarantine should be released.

WHO let the dogs out!

What time is it when you see 16 dogs running down the street?

Fifteen after one.

Man walks into a bar…. with a dog

Bartender says “ you out! No dogs allowed.”

The man says, “ but it’s a talking dog.”

The bar keep is interested. “ what do you mean a talking dog?”

The dog owner looks at his dog and asks, “ what is on top of a house?”

Roof roof says the dog.

The bartender points to the door.

“ no wait.” Pleads the man, he looks at his dog. “What is on the outside of a tree?”

“Bark, bark!” Says the dog

The bartender knows he’s being had and drags them both toward the door.

“Wait, wait,” the man says and asks the dog.

“ what is the name of the greatest baseball player of all time?”

“Ruth, Ruth! Says the dog.

They are both thrown out into the street.

The dog walks up the man, looks back at the bar, then to the man who is sitting splay legged in the street, and says “ DiMaggio?”

Why can’t dogs tell knock knock jokes?

Because they start barking before they can deliver the punchline.

Little Johnny and his dad were walking through a park when they saw two dogs going at it.

“What are they doing?” Little Johnny asked.

“They’re making a puppy.” was the reply.

Later that night, Little Johnny walked in on his parents. “What are you doing?”

“We’re making you a sibling.”

“Well, turn her over. I want a puppy.”

Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners

But catscan

Police came around last night and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes

My dogs don’t even have bikes

Why wouldn’t Karen the idiot get her dogs vaccinated?

She was afraid they’d get Pawtism.

2 dogs walk into a bar…

One dog bumped into the other and he replied,

“Hey buddy, get your paws off me. If you want to get ruff we can settle this in the barking lot.”

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

A woman walks into a diner carrying a dog under her arm. She puts the dog on the counter and announces that the dog can talk. The woman says she has $100 she’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t.

The head cook quickly takes the bet and asks the dog, “What’s the thing on top of this building that keeps rain out?”

The dog answers, “Roof.” The cook says, “Who are you kidding, I’m not paying!”

The dogs owner says, “Double or nothing, and I’ll ask him something else.” The cook agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, “Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?”

The dog answers with a muffled, “Ruth.”

With that, the cook picks both of them up and tossed them out on to the street. As they bounce on the sidewalk in front of the diner, the dog looks at his owner and says, “DiMaggio?”

Dogs typically live a pretty easy life.

Sometimes it can be a little ruff

In America some dogs are K-9

In China some dogs are E-10

I was picking up some dog poo in the park today and thought to myself…

I really should get a dog…

I’d like to buy some dog food

MAN: I’d like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He’s at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I’m sorry; I can’t sell this dog food to you unless Isee the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I’d like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well…where is he?
MAN: He’s at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can’t sell this cat food to you unless I see
your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What’s in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm… It’s warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

You know how some dogs turn around several times before lying down and going to sleep?

They must be watch dogs. That’s how they unwind.

A guy goes into a grocery store to buy some cat food.

The woman at the counter say, “You have a cat?”

He says, “Yeah”

She says, “Where’s the cat?”

He says, “I left him at home.”

She says, “You can’t buy the cat food. Put it back.”

Next day, he walks up to the counter and wants to buy some dog food.

“You have a dog?”

“Yeah.”

“Where is it?”

“I left it at home.”

“You can’t buy the dog food. Put it back.”

The following day, the guy comes in with a brown paper bag. He goes up to the counter.

“What’s this,” she asks.

“Put your hand in the bag,” he says.

She puts her hand in the bag and says, “It’s warm and squishy. What is this?”

He says, “You wanna sell me six rolls of toilet paper now?”

A blonde, brunette, and red-head are all on the run from the cops..

They find an abandoned potato factory and each hide inside an empty sack. The cops enter the building and finally get to the sacks. A cop kicks the first sack and the brunette starts meowing like a cat. The captain says, “Leave it! We don’t need some cat clawing at us”. They kick the second sack, and the red-head starts barking like a dog. Again the captain shouts, “Don’t! Leave it be. We don’t need some dog out here biting our ankles”. They get to the third sack and kick it. The blonde says, “Potatoes!”

My boss is kinda weird, he has started announcing to everyone whenever I go on break.

Just the other day I stepped outside to catch some sun and sure enough that goober yells Jailbreak!!! On the plus side he let some dogs out for me to play with.

An old lady walked into a store

One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can’t buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she bought in her dog and she got the dog food. The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can’t have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food. Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you’re satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!

Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US…

Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US, when the first nun says, “You know, I’ve heard they eat dogs in America.”
“I’ve heard the same thing,” says the second.
After some discussion, the two nuns decide that they will try some dog in order to start immersing themselves in American cultural customs.
When they get off the boat, they find their way to a hot dog stand on the corner, ask for two dogs, and sit down to eat this new food.
The first nun unwraps her tinfoil and blushes a deep red.
“What is it?!” asks the second nun.

The first nun asks, “What part did you get?”

An old lady goes to buy cat food….

The person working the cash register says “I’m sorry ma’am but there has been reports of elderly people eating this stuff, we’ll need to see proof of your cat.” The old lady sighs and leaves. The next day she comes back with a box that contains her cat. The clerk sees this and let’s her purchase the cat food.

The next day the old lady comes in and says she needs some dog food. the clerk says “I’m sorry ma’am but the same rules apply for dog food.” So she returns the next day with a box that has the worlds cutest puppy in it and the clerk sells her some dog food.

The next day she comes in with a box and sets it on the counter, the clerk looks in it and immediately vomits. In between gagging the clerk says “What the hell ma’am why would you bring in a box of this!?” The old lady replies, “Well I wanted to buy some toilet paper and I didn’t want to have to make two trips!”

Online Source:-

glider-pilot reddit abc11 religion-online haha politically-incorrect-humor ashjokes uglyhedgehog yahoo answers medium miscstories yahoo upjoke commonsenseevaluation

Read More Jokes :

TOP 100+ BEST FUNNY LAWYER JOKES COLLECTION

TOP 40+ BEST FUNNY KIWI JOKES COLLECTION

TOP 150+ BEST FUNNY ANIMAL JOKES COLLECTION

Share and Enjoy !

Shares

Add a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *