TOP 90+ BEST FUNNY CRABS JOKES COLLECTION

Find The Best Funny Crabs Jokes If Your Answers Is Yes. Here Is A Big List Of Funny Crabs Jokes Collection For This Week.

  • The crab kept all the seaweed to itself

ETHAN: Why did the crab keep all the seaweed to itself?

SARAH: Why?

ETHAN: Because it was shellfish.

  • A guy walks into a seafood store carrying a crab,

and he asked the owner, “Do you make crab cakes?” And the owner said, “Yes we do.”…So the guy said, “Good because it’s his birthday.”

  • A crab walks into a bar…

The Barman says “I can’t serve you mate, you’re already walking sideways”.

  • Scientists found out that crabs hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn’t run away anymore.

  • Why did the crab cross the road?

It didn’t. It used the sidewalk.

(This was a joke my teacher made)

  • A female crab sees a male crab walking in a straight line

Amazed by the crab’s rare gait, she is smitten.

She asks him to marry her, and he happily agrees.

The next day, she notices that he is walking normally in a zigzag pattern.

She is shocked. She asks him why he is walking in this manner now.

He replies, “Baby, I can’t be that drunk always, can I?”

  • what’s the difference between a run down bus stop and a crab with breast implants?

one is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

  • How do crabs move from one person to the next?

They use pubic transport

  • Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit?

Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.

  • The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: “Give me the bad news first.”

So the policeman said: “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay.”

“Oh my god!,” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her.”

“If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?” Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said: “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”

  • Did you hear about the crab that could paint?

There was a crab that people taught how to paint. He eventually got better and started painting these Renaissance-like paintings

His name was Leonardo Da-Pinchi

  • Why did the crab go to jail?

Because it kept pinching things…….I will see myself out

  • What does a crab say when he goes to the rodeo?

Yee-Claw!

  • What does a hermit crab call its home?

Michelle

  • Why does the crab never share?

Because it was shell-fish

  • Marylanders: Do you know how to tell the difference between male and female Chesapeake blue crabs ?

The female will tell you how to eat her.

  • Why did the crab get fired?

Because he was not moving the company forward.

  • My friend had cancer for her zodiac symbol, its ironic how she died.

She was eaten by a giant crab.

  • Why do crabs with IBS nest under bakeries?

It’s the easiest place to pinch a loaf.

  • what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza?

a crust station

  • Why don’t crabs give to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

  • A woman goes out boating one day…

A woman takes the boat out one afternoon, but does not come back. The next day, her husband answers a knock at the door to two grim-faced State Troopers.

“Good afternoon sir, regarding your wife we have some bad news, good news, and really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Looking at their faces and fearing the worst, the man composes himself and asks for the bad news.

“Very well… I’m sorry to inform you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay, I’m afraid she passed after her boat capsized yesterday.”

“Oh my God!” exclaimed the man. “……. then what could possibly be the good news?”

The trooper continued. “Oh, well when we brought her up she had 12 large, and 6 jumbo size blue crabs attached to her.”

Stunned, the man demanded, “If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?” The trooper then excitedly said, “We’re bringing her up again tomorrow!”

  • How do crabs get around on land?

They use the sidewalk.

  • A huge crab walks into a bar…

…and says to the barman, “I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted.”

The barman looks at the crab and says, “why the big clause?”

  • What do you call a female crab who is also single?

Miss. Shell

  • A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs

When the man goes back to complain, the hooker says “Well for $10, what did you expect!” she laughs “Lobster?”

  • A guy goes to a five-dollar lady of the night and he gets crabs

So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, “ Hey it was only 5 dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?”

  • It was the height of the Clone Wars, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin had just finished a heated battle against separatist spacecraft.

After making sure that the civilian freighter they were escorting was undamaged, they prepared to hyperspace jump back to Coruscant. However, just as their craft are about to enter lightspeed, a mysterious pulse of energy fries their systems and instead jumps them to a planet they’ve never seen before- an ocean world orbiting a small, dim star.

The two scoured their ship’s built-in database for any mention of the world, but in the end, they couldn’t find anything. It didn’t seem to belong to the Republic, or the CIS, or anyone at all. In fact, there was no mention of the world at all.

Curious to learn where they were and possibly resupply their craft, the two maneuvered their starfighters down to a raised mesa that rose above the rest of the ocean. They couldn’t find any signs of intelligent life on the world, so they resolved to explore until they found something.

After walking through the vibrant coral forests for some time, they stumbled upon a tiny village filled with what appeared to be giant crabs. They attempted several forms of communication, they eventually managed to get their point across by a series of gestures and attempts at miming. They learned that the crabs were happy to meet them, that they could be housed and fed, and that they were expecting an important guest shortly, who would be interested in their company.

The two passed the time exploring the village and attempting to learn more about the crabs’ culture. Eventually, however, they noticed that an elderly humanoid man was walking down to the path to the crab village. As he walked within its borders, every crab in the village turned towards him and saluted them at once.

Suddenly, Obi-Wan drew his lightsaber and decapitated the old man with a single swing. The crabs swarmed around him, chittering angrily and wielding sharp implements.

“Why would you do that?” asked Anakin, horrified.

“That man was powerful in the ways of the Dark Side,” said Obi-Wan.

“How could you tell?”

“Because,” Obi-Wan said, “Only a Sith deals in crab salutes.”

  • Troll enter chat
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A user enters a chat room for battered women. They immediately type that their husband forces her to lie around on the beach in Tahiti and eat lobster, mahi mahi, crab and shrimp. The new user is flagged by the other battered women with real problems and the mods block this low level troll. The next day the Tahiti newspaper read “Albino woman found dead on the beach from anaphylactic shock, husband nowhere to be found”

  • What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish?

A crab apple !

  • My friend went to an orgy for people born in July

Now she’s telling me she came home with crabs

  • In 49 states in America, a crab shack is a restaurant.

In Florida, it’s a changing room.

  • Excuse me, does this restaurant serve crabs?

Sit right down sir. We serve everybody.

  • Why don’t crabs donate to charity?

They’re shellfish penny pinchers.

He storms out the house and he finds the hooker and says “Bitch, you gave me a crotch full of crabs!”

She takes a drag on her cigarette and says “For $20 what did you expect, lobster?”

  • A crab fisherman walks into a bar with a crab.

He sets the crab on the bar and it proceeds to walk perfectly straight ahead, instead of scuttling side to side like crabs usually do. The bartender, impressed, offers the fisherman $50 for the amazing crab and takes it home. The next day he takes the crab out of the cage, and it begins scuttling side to side. “WTF?” the bartender exclaims, “Why aren’t you walking straight?” “Damn,” the crab replies, “I can’t get that drunk every day.”

  • Two crabs wouldn’t share their food

That’s shellfish.

  • Whats worse than crab on your piano?

Cancer on your organs

  • I bought two hermit crabs

I put them in the same small cage, are they still hermit crabs???

  • Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

  • What’s worse than a lobster on your piano?

Crabs on your organ

  • What’s the most effective way to get rid of crabs?

Shave half your pubes, light the other half on fire and smash them with a hammer when they come running out.

  • My Alg II teacher told us this one (Part 1)

There was a man named Boodro who lives in Louisiana. He has had just gotten done crab fishing and had went into town with a bucket full of crabs. His friend Tibbideux comes out of a nearby store, and sees his bucket. Tibbideux says, “Hey, what’s in that bucket?” And Boodro replies, “I got crabs in this bucket.” His friend says “I guess how many crabs is in that bucket, you gotta give me one.” So Boodro says “If you guess how many crabs is in this bucket, I’ll give you both of em.” Tibbideux says “Alright. They’s three crabs in that bucket.”

 

  • How do crabs run in Alabama?

They run in family.

  • What did the crab name his daughter?

Ma-shell

  • A girl lobster meets a crab boy…

…they quickly hit it off and start dating. Unfortunately, the girl lobsters father is dead set against interspecies relationships and tells his daughter “If you keep seeing that crab boy, I’m cutting you off, no daughter of mine will be with a ‘sideways walker’, I will not stand for it.” Upset, the girl lobster tells her crab boyfriend about her fathers feelings about ‘sideways walkers’, the boy crab in love with the girl lobster resolves that he will learn to walk forwards and backwards to prove his love and win her fathers blessing. He practices for weeks and finally overcomes his natural urge to walk sideways.

Ready to show his true loves father that love conquers all he arrived at the girl lobsters house. As he is making his way up the sidewalk, in a perfectly straight forward line he hears from inside the house “that does it Lola, (girl lobsters name apparently) that good for nothing crab is here, and he’s already drunk.”

 

  • Dad joke alert: why didn’t the crab and lobster get along?

They were too shellfish.

 

  • Whats the name of that old reality show where they go fishing and catch a bunch of crabs?

Oh, right.

Jersey Shore…I miss that show.

 

  • My girlfriend screamed when I told her I had crabs

I mean, they make interesting pets. She should be much more worried about my HIV testing results.

 

  • What’s the difference between a dirty area where people wait for buses and a crab with breast implants

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a freak of nature able to somehow talk to humans about such matters

  • Crab lice on holidays

Two crab lice agree to meet on the beach in Florida for Summer holidays. One already being there, the other arrives all shivering.

“Why are you shivering?” asks the first.

The second answers: “I arrived in a motorcyclist moustache… I alsmost froze to death…”

” That’s stupid,” says the first, “do like I do. Climb up a stewardesses leg, stay in here croch and you’ll be here in no time, nice an cosy.”

Next year, they meet again. The second one is shivering again, saying :

” I did what you said… I climbed up a stewardesses leg and lay down at her croch. It was so warm and cosy, I fell asleep. Once I woke up, I was in a motorcyclists moustache again…”

  • I hate crabs

They’re literally Cancer.

  • Why does the ocean roar?

You’d make a lot of noise if you had crabs on your bottom too.

  • What’s the easiest seafood to catch accidentally?

Crabs.

  • What’s the difference between an old crab and a Korean in the oven?

Ones a crusty crestacean and the others a crispy crust Asian

  • The crab didn’t give money to the charity

JOHN: Why didn’t the crab give any money to charity?
MARK: Beats me.
JOHN: Because he was shellfish.

  • Does anyone have a hermit crab named

Leonardo da Pinchi

  • Why did the crab never share?

Because he’s shellfish.

  • What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with massive boobs?
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One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!

  • Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?

King’s Crustation

  • Just got my pet hermit crab a new home

He named it Michelle

  • Where do crabs invest their money?

A sea bank.

  • Why did the crab never share?

‘Cause he was shell-fish.

  • What do you call a crab that throws things?

Lobster

  • Why do crabs never give to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

  • Why was the crab embarrassed?

Because the sea weed.

  • A crab didn’t help his friend,

he’s shellfish.

  • Nickolodean are doing an underwater version of paw patrol starting crabs

It’s called Claw Patrol.

I managed to get a groan and an eye roll from the wife for that one

  • My dad told me to never trust crabs

They’re shellfish

  • How do you know when a crab’s drunk?

When it starts walking straight

  • My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.

Their names are crabA and crabB

  • What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

  • What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?

Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!

  • I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.

They said I was being too shellfish.

  • Why don’t crabs give birthday presents?

Because they’re just shellfish.

  • What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?

One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean

  • How can you tell if a crab is drunk?

It walks straight

  • Why don’t crabs give to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

  • Why don’t crabs donate to charity?

Because they’re shellfish

  • There was a weird Crab

Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.

His other crab people used to be away from him. Due to this sound.

Once he was captured by a predator and was bumped on a rock and got loose from the predators grip and ran away.

After the bump his ta-ta-ta-ta sound went away automatically.

Since that incident, he got friends and a new name- Santa Claus.

  • How does a crab go when it’s right?

“Aw, snap!”

Apparently our babysitter taught that to my 2 -1/2 year old daughter.
That is how she said it, verbatim. Im still laughing

  • I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.

When I punched him he ran, goon.

  • Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?

Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.

  • Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?

They Use The Sidewalk!

  • Why don’t crabs donate to charity?

They’re shellfish penny pinchers.

  • What’s the difference between an old crab and a horny Chinese person killed by a bulldozer?

One is a rusty crustacean , the other is a lusty crushed Asian.

  • Why did the crab never share?

He’s shellfish!

If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?

The crust station.

  • Overheard on a bus… What do you call a social hermit crab?

Just a crab.

Background: this young girl just bought a hermit crab and had a tank. This guy with his wife and kids told her it was the most active hermit crab he’s ever seen, then laid this line on her. His wife rolled her eyes, but he seemed super proud.

I was the only one to laugh at this joke. My wife also rolled her eyes.

Dads unite.

  • How do crabs evade taxes?

They set up shell corporations.

  • Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?

Because they are too shellfish.

  • Why don’t the baby squid like to play with the baby hermit crab?

They think he’s shellfish

  • So two crabs are walking

And one crab says, “So Jim, how’s the wife?”

The other crab says “You didn’t hear? My wife died last week”

The first crab replies “Oh, I’m so sorry, it sucks that you are a widow now.”

The crab says “No I’m not, I’m a crab.”

  • Why do crabs never give to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

My sister doesn’t find crab appealing

  • My sister was talking about sea food, how she tried crab but “didn’t find it appealing.”

I told her “if you’re looking for appeal, you should try a banana.”

She smiled while I laughed

  • I went to a beach themed party wearing green and passed it off as a Kermit crab costume.

True story

  • What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?

They’re all Crushed-Asians!

(Crustaceans)

  • I told my dad my new license had a picture of a crab on it.

He said, “Honey, you should have smiled.”

  • What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?

shell-met!

  • I was going to go picking crab apples with a friend

When we go to our location, we noticed all the apples were rotten. The first thing to come out my mouth was “Well, I guess our plan didn’t come to fruition”

  • Walk into a restaurant with my family and Grandmother asks, “Do you serve crab cakes?”

My dad jumps in and says, “Sit right down ma’am – we serve everyone!”

  • Dad jokes at the crab shack

So my dad and I went to a local crab shack. I got a crab that I couldn’t actually open, so I was sitting there with the hammer just smacking it repeatedly. The waitress comes over and asks “Ya having a little trouble with that?”

Dad: “It seems he is. Luckily we aren’t paying for the crabs by the pound.”

  • Wife bought this deli crab salad and this was my response.

Little bit of context to start out. Had just dadjoked my wife mere seconds earlier about me being nervous to turn on the baby monitor since it is displaying c4 for channel 4 and the relation between explosives, what not etc. (you see where that was going)

Anyways, now that her guard is down (I don’t think she was expecting a twofer) I pulled out this weird deli crab salad concoction she had just bought at the store, showed it to her and said with a look of disgust on my face, (she knows I don’t like the stuff)

Me: “Seriously though, I just have one question for you.”

Her: “I know you don’t like the stuff I just got enough for me it was on a good sale!”

Me: “What the crab is this?”

Those precious few milliseconds where her expression transitions from confused to eye roll is my favorite part.

(Yes these jokes were all shamelessly planned)

  • Every time my dad orders crab or lobster at a restaurant…

It was good, but tell the chef that the shell was too hard to eat and he should cook it softer next time. Heh heh heh.

  • Why do crabs never give to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

  • What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

  • What’s the difference between a crab with breasts and a dirty bus stop?

Ones a crusty bus station, and ones a busty crustacean

  • My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died
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She was eaten by a giant crab

  • Why the crab cross the road?

It didn’t, it used the sidewalk.

  • My mum’s starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died…

She was eaten by a massive crab

  • Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

  • My friend, who’s star sign was cancer, died very ironically.

He was mauled by a giant crab.

  • My Wife’s star sign is Cancer and it’s pretty ironic how she died…

She was attacked by a giant crab

  • How do crabs get around on land?

They use the sidewalk.

My uncle’s zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died

from being crushed by a giant crab.

  • Scientists found out that crabs hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn’t run away anymore.

  • A crab, a tuna, a lobster, and a Chinese man being run over by a steam roller. What doesn’t belong?

The Tuna, since all of the others are crushedasians.

A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. “Her star sign was cancer you know” he says. ” I guess it’s ironic…”

“That she was killed by a giant crab.”

  • Given the terms crab , tuna , lobster , and Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders , which does not fit?

Ans: tuna . The other 3 are crushed asians.

  • My cousin’s horoscope was Cancer. Funny how she died…

She got eaten by a giant crab

  • My mother’s star sign was cancer. Ironic how she died, really.

She died due to fatal injuries from a giant crab attack.

  • My dad’s sign was cancer. Its so ironic how he died.

He was attacked by a giant crab.

  • Apparently crabs hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut off its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn’t run away anymore.

  • My wife’s starsign was Cancer, which is quite ironic really, thinking about how she died…

she was attacked by a giant crab

  • My wife’s star-sign was Cancer, so I guess you could say it was ironic how she died.

Mauled to death by a giant crab.

  • Whats the difference between a crab with big boobs and a bus station full of punks?

One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station

  • My sister’s zodiac sign was cancer, which is really ironic to how she died

She got squashed by a giant fucking crab

  • What’s the difference between a bus stop filled with old people and a crab with boobs?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!

  • My girlfriends star sign

My girlfriends star sign is cancer, so it was quite ironic how she died

She got beaten to death by a giant crab

  • A huge crab walks into a bar…

…and says to the barman, “I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted.”

The barman looks at the crab and says, “why the big clause?”

  • Why did the crab cross the road?

Actually, it never did. It used the sidewalk.

  • The zodiac sign of a friend of mine was cancer, which was very ironic because of how he died.

He was eaten by a large crab.

  • My friend’s star sign was cancer, so I guess it’s quite ironic how he died.

He got attacked by a giant crab.

  • The crab saw it. (average length)

In the first grades classroom one day, the teacher asks the students:

-*Why* *is* *the* *flounder* *so* *flat* ?

Alan then quickly responds:

-*Because* *he* *had* *sex* *with* *a* *whale*.

The teacher gets mad, and sends Alan straight out of the classroom. The teacher then asks another question:

-*Why* *are* *the* *crabs* *eyes* *so* *big* ?

Alan then opens the door and sneaks his head out into the classroom and says:

-*Because* *he* *saw* *the* *whole* *thing* !

  • What’s the difference between a crab with a boob job and a dirty bus station?

One’s a busty crustacean and the other’s a crusty bus station.

  • Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with implants?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is busty crustacean

  • My wife’s starsign was cancer, which makes how she died pretty ironic.

Attacked by a giant crab.

  • My grandfathers star sign was cancer which is ironic seeing how he died.

He was eaten by a giant crab.

  • What’s the difference between a filthy bus stop and a crab with huge tits?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

  • What do you call an oriental crab?

A Crust-Asian  

  • My ex-girlfriend’s star sign was cancer. It is quite ironic how she died….

…. she was killed by a giant crab.

  • The Fish Princess and the Commoner Crab

Once upon a time, in the undersea kingdom, there lived a fish princess. This fish princess had fallen in love with a peasant crab.

When her father, the fish king, found out about their affair he forbade her to ever see him again. When she asked him why he replied “No daughter of mine will consort with a lowly sideways-walking crab!”

Devastated, but with no other choice, the fish princess goes to her crab and delivers the news. “My father says we can’t be together,” she tells him, “he says you’re a lowly side-walker, and that I’m forbidden to see you.” The crab, crushed by the news, turns and sadly walks away – sidewise, of course.

That night there was a gala ball at the fish palace. All the nobility of the undersea kingdom was there in attendance including, of course, the fish king and princess. Then, at the very height of festivities, the doors to the ballroom suddenly burst open… and there was the crab.

The entire room burst into excited whispers, all the attendees having heard the rumor of the princess’ affair with a side-walking commoner. To their surprise, however, before their very eyes, the crab took one step forward… then another step forward… and another… walking forward down the red carpet toward the king on his throne.

As the crab approached the king the room went silent in anticipation. The crab looked the king square in the eye… opened his mouth… and slurred “I am soooooo super drunk right now.”

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