Find The Best Funny Cactus Jokes If Your Answers Is Yes. Here Is A Big List Of Funny Cactus  Jokes Collection For This Week.

  • I dropped my cactus the other day

Worst part is, I caught it

  • I think there’s something wrong with the cactus I’m growing…

But I can’t put my finger on it.

  • What does a cactus and the Kardashian family have in common?

They’re both full of pricks

  • There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!

The other goes What Cactussssss

  • What did the cactus wear with their suit?

A cactie.

  • What do you call a human that’s now a cactus?

A transplant.

  • What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?

“Lookin sharp !”

  • This was my sisters favorite joke to tell in high school. May she Rest In Peace: What’s the difference between a cactus and a teachers lounge?

The teachers lounge has all the pricks on the inside.

  • Whats the difference between a Cactus and a School bus?

A cactus has all the little pricks on the outside.

  • A grumpy, drunken, old cowboy was riding his horse near the Mexican border when he noticed it chewing on a strange, stout cactus.

Before long, the pony started behaving strangely, walking slowly and irregularly and not responding to the cowboys commands.
The cowboy became progressively more frustrated, as well as more drunk and more mean as he continued to glug himself into the depths of his whiskey bottle.
The horse eventually came to a complete halt near a campfire where a young mexican man was picking a melancholy tune on the guitar. It pricked its ears and began swaying gently to the melody, seemingly oblivious to the slurred ranting and furious kicking from the inebriated cowboy on its back.
The mexican looked up from his strings to see the severely drunken cowboy barely holding onto his stirrups and swinging dangerously on the saddle as he tried to kick his wide -pupiled, glassy-eyed animal, cursing the horse for its stupidity and laziness.
“Hey man” he said.
“You really need to get off your high horse.”

  • What did the catcus say to the other cactus?

“You’re a prick”

  • Apparently Trump’s family tree looks like a cactus

Everybody on it is a prick

  • Never go on a date with a cactus

They’ll spike your drink

  • Look Honey, a cactus!

I haven’t seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving….

  • The cactus outside my home won’t stop judging my sudden weight gain

He’s honestly such a prick about it.

A few prisoners get the opportunity, and the king tells them to pick their favorite plant and come and see him.

An Irish man comes to him with a clover. “All y… read more

  • 2 cactuses are talking to each other

One of them asks the other, “Hey, do you know how to speak the human language?”

To which he responds, “yeah it’s easy, they always say ouch!”

  • Hey man, how much for the goth cucumber?

Sir, that’s a cactus.

  • Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus

They say its bark is worse than its bite.

  • The longest joke in the world

So, there’s a man crawling through the desert.

He’d decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn’t get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he’d paid attention to the sun and thought he’d figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he’d be back to the small town he’d gotten gas in last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he’s afraid that he’ll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he’d had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he’s really thirsty. He’s
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He’s reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it’s mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he’s been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn’t recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn’t remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he’s close, and that after dark he’ll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that’ll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they’re full of sand. He so thirsty that he can’t even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He’d forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn’t noticed it the night before because he’d been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes – three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food – then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn’t the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day…

More in the comments:

  • I was thinking of joining the Hug-A-Cactus foundation but

I hear they deal with alot of pricks.

  • Snail and Turtle

A snail and a turtle are lost in the desert and of course they are very thirsty. One day they see something shimmering far away. It takes them weeks to get to the spot but they find a full bottle of coke. Problem is how to open it.
First the snail tries with its little mouth but nothing happens. Then the turtle tries but again, no luck.
So the turtle suggest that one of them should go back to get a bottle opener while the other stays and looks after the bottle.
They take a while but in the end the turtle gives in and agrees to go.
“Under one condition”, he warns, “that you don’t try and open the bottle while I am away and drink it all on your own.”
He makes the snail swear and the snail agrees.
So off he goes.
It takes weeks for him to just disappear from view. So the snail settles down and waits.
Weeks pass and then months. The snail calculates that the turtle may have reached home yet.
More weeks and more months pass and the snail calculates that he should be halfway back.
More month pass and the snail calculates that he should be back soon.
When the time comes that the turtle should be back, the snail gives him a few more weeks, just in case.
Two tears have passed and the snail thinks that maybe the turtle has forgotten about him or that maybe something happened to him and he will never come back, so with a big sigh he decides that he might as well try once more to open the bottle of coke by himself.
As his little mouth wraps around the lid and he starts chewing, he sees the turtle come out from behind a nearby cactus saying:
“Damn, I knew I couldn’t trust you.”

  • Did you hear about the cactus that went to the party?

He spiked the drinks.

  • Why are coyotes howling in the night?

Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.

  • Disappointed by my family tree

Turns out it is a cactus, there’s a prick on every branch.

  • My dad told me this one.

Now, I’m not cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.

  • If Mexican restaurants have taught me anything

it’s that people in Mexico only sleep with their back to a cactus while wearing a forward slanted sombrero.

  • I know there’s something wrong with my cactus… 

I just can’t quite put my finger on it.

  • What’s the difference between a cactus and the Houses of Parliament? 

Parliament has all the pricks on the inside.

  • What’s the difference between the White House and a cactus? 

Cacti have their pricks on the outside.

  • What’s the difference between a cactus and a politician? 

Cacti have spines!

  • Two balloons float low above the desert…

One says “Hey, watch out for that spiky cactus!”; the other replies, “What cactussssssssssssss…”

  • I dropped my cactus the other day… 

Even worse, I caught it!

  • Scientists recently managed to genetically modify a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus. 

They say its bark is worse than its bite…

  • Did you hear about the cactus that went to the party? 

He spiked the drinks!

  • What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus? 

A mega-lo-sore-arse.

  • Now, I’m not an expert on the Cactus family…

but I know a prick when I see one.

  • Why did the cactus cross the road? 

It got stuck to the chicken.

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