TOP 90+ BEST FUNNY bald JOKES COLLECTION

Find The Best Funny Bald Jokes If Your Answers Is Yes. Here Is A Big List Of Funny Bald Jokes Collection For This Week.

  • Why did Harry Potter suddenly go bald in his teens?

He lost his Hedwig

  • Randomly came up with this joke laying in bed one night – What do you call a bald eagle with the flu that migrates from Mexico to the US?

An ill eagle immigrant…

  • My friend went completely bald years ago, but he still carries a comb with him.

He just can’t part with it.

  • When people suffering from baldness go abroad, they often fly on…

..Receeding Airline.

  • Why did the bald man have his hand down his pants?

So he could run his fingers through his hair.

  • When I started going bald, my grandpa gave me his antique toupee weaver.

It’s an heirloom hair loom.

  • Why do bald girls give head during the holidays but not year round?

There is only one season for egg noggin.

  • Bald man’s comb

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ?

“I will never part with it !”

  • The crippled man covered his bald spot

He put on his handy cap

  • Did you hear about the bald guy who cracked his skull?

Doctor said he had a receding hairline fracture.

  • A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”

Hair Club Salesman: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”

Bald Man: “How about faux dollars faux hair?”


Sorry guys, I’ll show myself outta hair.

  • My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.

He said I had hair like an emo.

He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.

  • A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn’t know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter:

“Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a complimentary pirate’s costume. The handkerchief can cover your bald head if you’d like, and with your wooden leg you will be a great pirate.

Very truly yours,

Faye’s Costumes”

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another package and a letter, which says:

“Dear Sir:

We are quite sorry about the misunderstanding. Please find enclosed a monk costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,

Faye’s Costumes”

Now the man is really upset, since they have gone from using his wooden leg to using his bald head! So again he writes the company another letter of complaint, being particularly nasty about how they’ve failed to meet both conditions with their previous attempts. The next week he gets a much smaller package and a note, which reads:

“Dear Sir:

You will find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,

Faye’s Costumes”

  • What are bald sea captains afraid of?

Cap sizes

  • There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,

until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”

“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

  • Why did the bald guy leave the wig shop without a wig?

because he forgot toupee

  • What do you call lice on a bald guy?

Homeless.

  • The best thing about being tall and having a bald patch…

Is that people think you’re just tall.

  • I made fun of my brother getting a bald haircut

I turned around and saw the rest of the cancer patients staring at me

  • A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend and immediately gets concerned about his nighttime routine. Every night he takes a 2 hour shower and goes to bed complaining that his arms hurt. She also noticed that he has an entire closet full of shampoo. After a few weeks she can’t take it anymore and decides she’ll convince him to take a shower together. The shower seems to be pretty normal up until he starts to wash his hair. Over and over and over he doesn’t stop washing his hair until the entire bottle is empty.

The woman is distraught, a few more days go by and finally, thinking he isn’t feeling clean using his, she tells her boyfriend that he should try her shampoo. 15 minutes go by and her boyfriend emerges from the bathroom with a big grin on his face. He tells her “This shampoo is great! And I only have to apply it once!” Happy, but confused, she finally asks “Why did you use so much of the other shampoo? Was there something wrong with it?”. “No.” he replies, “My shampoo directed me to Lather, rinse, and repeat. Yours said Lather, Rinse, and apply conditioner”.

  • A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.

The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,

‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘Sir…There’s no money in that account.

”I know,’ said the old man…’But let me tell you about my weekend.’

  • I saw this bald dude that looks like a rapper that i know
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Turns out he’s just some Common bald guy

  • After years of being bald, the idea of hair doesn’t sound too bad.

It’s starting to grow on me.

  • I knew I was going bald I knew I was going bald…

Well it took longer and longer to wash my face.

  • I like to play chess with old bald men in the park

But it’s kind of hard to find 32 of them.

  • What do you call a barber that only works on bald people?

An air stylist.

  • I will one day have a pet bald eagle

Name it Freedom. Teach it to ring a bell when it wants fish, so I can let Freedom ring.


I’ll show myself to the door.

  • Did you hear about the man who accused the devil of going bald?

Fair to say, there was hell toupee

  • Why do I keep seeing pictures of bald kids in children’s hospitals?

Like honestly it’s not *that* hard to wash your hair

  • I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said, Can you describe the symptoms?

I said yeah, Homers a bald fat dude that drinks Duff and Marge has blue hair

  • Hear the one about the bald guy getting bumped to business class after passengers made fun of him?

Talk about the advantages of a reseating airline.

  • Mike walked into a Post Office just before Valentine’s Day

He couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards.  The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asked Mike.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.

  • I’m balding and my girlfriend is going to leave me but she says I can stay under one condition.

I must remane.

  • Feel old yet?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “surely I can’t look that old.”. Well . . . you’ll love this one..The stuff is from a lady called Amy

“My name is Amy. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St Xavier’s high school.

“Yes. yes, I did.’ he gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1987. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!!!!”, I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then,
that
ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled faced,
gray-haired,
decrepit,
idiot,
asked,

“What subject did you teach” ?!

  • A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, “I’m sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving.” The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, “Between you and me, how did it taste?” The man replies, “It was sort of like a cross between a bald eagle and a harp seal.”

  • A bald man walks into a bar…

He approaches the barkeeper and tells him

“I have something in my pocket that I will show you. If you swear you’ve never seen anything like it before, I’ll have free drinks all night”

The barkeeper, in his mid fifties, who has clearly seen a lot in his life, agrees with a nod.

The bald guest grabs into his pocket what appears to be a doll and puts this small person dressed in Victorian clothes onto the bar. The little guy is not taller than a Whiskey bottle, when he suddenly approaches the barkeeper, bows in front of him and says, “Hello, my name is Rick and I am a British poem writer”

The barkeeper stares baffled at this tiny person for a moment and looks up to the bald guy and says, “I’ve never ever seen anything like it! Where did you get him?”

“You know”, the bald man starts “I’ve just come from the street corner three blocks further. I had drunk already a lot, so I felt awful and had to lean onto a lantern post not to fall onto my nose. Just by leaning there the rub was sufficient to awaken a fairy who granted me a wish…”

The barkeeper – who already had heard enough – just rushed out of the bar to rub every post he encountered until three blocks further a fairy effectively appeared. With a soft voice she whispered, “I may grant you a wish, whatever it is!”

The barkeeper, still not believing his luck and the reality of it, responded in a haste “5 millions in cash!”

The fairy snipped her fingers and disappeared. All that was left was a barkeeper with 5 melons and a rash. Disappointed he went back to his bar, scratching his face, confronting the visitor and his little pal, who still were enjoying free drinks.

“You could have told me that the fairy is hard of hearing!” screams the barkeeper.

The bald guest looks the barkeeper dead in the eye and says, “Is that so? BECAUSE YOU REALLY BELIEVE I WISHED FOR A 10 INCH RICK?”



(sorry for mistakes and grammar, English is not my mother tongue) in one form or another this joke might be known. since I had to type it down myself, shouldn’t be a re-post. Hope you enjoyed anyway.

Edit… Inches, not grammar -.-

  • Why was the bird wearing a wig?

Because it was a bald eagle!

  • What 20 meters long and bald?

The conga line at the cancer department.

  • Hairstyle Competition

Hello, my name is John and I would like to tell you about the time I entered a hairstyle competition. You see, I have always loved trying out different hairstyles and colors. It is something I have put great effort into!

It was about February of last year that the idea of entering a hairstyle competition crossed my mind when I was walking around in town and saw a flyer on a board. It said something along the lines of “Calling all hair extraordinaires! $1000 prize for the best hairstyle!” I saw that it was almost exactly a year away. Plenty of time to grow my hair into an extraordinary style! The flyer had a chunk of writing missing out of the bottom but overall looked legit, so I considered giving it a shot.

Throughout the following weeks I became more and more invested in this competition. I started sketching ideas. One was an all light blue color, sprayed straight up to the sky. The next was a green, red and yellow combo in liberty spikes. They were pretty good, but none seemed quite right.

On day I was sitting on the couch flipping through channels when Dr Phil came on and I got an idea. *Wouldn’t it be hilarious -* I thought, *if I had that but the part with hair was super long!* While this would certainly not be a cool hairstyle, I realized that I had to do something profound and unique if I wanted to stand a chance in this competition! If I showed up with something which I deem “boringly unique” like a mohawk or a mullet I sure to lose! That was it, I was determined to somehow end up with this legendary hairstyle I had in mind, it would be my win, my moment! I was going to do it!

Now I knew it would be difficult to recreate Dr Phil’s legendary male pattern baldness doo on top as I have been blessed with thick hair! I was going to have to shave it constantly, but it was worth the effort, worth the effort for sweet, sweet victory! I got a quality razor, the “Merkur Futur Adjustable Safety Razor” to be exact! I carefully parted my hair buzzed down and trimmed the top with my beard trimmer and then lathered up shaving cream and shaved my mop of hair. I’ll be honest, not the greatest look but the sides were not particularly long at this point so at least it just looked like your standard skullet. It was alright really, I could wear baseball caps and look as normal as everyone else. No worries! Now it was all about growing those sides out, I realized that the possibility of having extensions might be needed but I was going to get them as long as possible first.

It was at about the halfway point to the competition now and it wasn’t until then that I realized I probably could have just grown it all out and then shaved the top close to the competition but whatever! I was saving 25% of hairs worth of Shampoo and Conditioner! So, I shaved and grew and shaved and grew for another couple of months and the competition was vastly approaching. I decided extensions were the way to go and so I looked online and found a great set! I tested them out and they went down to my knees, perfect!

After all this waiting it was finally the night before the competition! I was feeling the nerves, it would suck to put all that effort in not to win! I went to the store to get my styling supplies, spray, straighteners, curlers. You name it, I had it in that shopping cart. I reassured myself my hair had to be the best and went to sleep.

The day of was here! I got up at 5 o’clock ready to style my hair for the contest. First, I freshly shaved the top. Second, I dried and straightened the sides and back. I placed the extensions in carefully and began straightening. I then curled some parts and platted others. In the end my hair was looking like the perfect mess I had been looking for. Bald as an egg on the top and flowing and luscious on the sides and back. I was ready!

I got in the car carefully making sure not to mess anything up, I glanced over at the flyer for the address and I was on my way. I showed up to the venue super early, I thought it would be fun to get to know everybody and just chill! I could feel my heart beating out of my chest, I took a deep breath and stepped out of the car. The event person greeted me with a smile and said “welcome!”

“thanks!” I responded

He then glanced down briefly and said, “You’ve really dressed up for the occasion haven’t you!”

“Indeed!” I said, “I mean, I had to!”

“Ah!” he said “Best of luck my friend…so…where is the little fella?”

“I’m sorry?” I retorted

“Where’s your dog?” “If they have hair anything as extraordinary as yours, they’re sure to win!”

  • Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
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Because from a distance they looked like hares.

  • What did the owner of the Italian restaurant say to the bald man that was trying to dine-and-dash?

You need a toupee!

  • When I saw an old friend from school, he asked why I was bald. I replied “cancer.”

“Cancer?”

“Yeah I asked the barber if he could shave my head, and he ‘I sure cancer!'”

  • If I ever start to go bald

I’ll get a rabbit tattooed onto my head..
From a distance it would look like a hare

  • There are two types of bedhead and I only enjoy one

But I’m bald so I can’t get either of ’em

  • My girlfriend left me because I’m balding.

I almost pulled my hair out.

  • A cannibal isn’t feeling too great after dinner last night.

*Disclaimer: better when told, not written. Tell your friends!*

He pays a visit to his witch doctor.

WD: Describe what you ate last night?

C: He was wearing a thick brown robe, with a rope around his waist. He was a little plump around the middle and had a bald spot on the top of his head.

WD: And how did you prepare him?

C: Just boiled him with some salt.

WD: Well, that there is your problem. He wasn’t a boiler, he was a friar.

  • Two cannibals meet one day.

The first cannibal says, “You know, I just can’t seem to get a tender Missionary. I’ve baked them, I’ve roasted them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve tried every sort of marinade. I just can’t seem to get them tender.”

The second cannibal asks, “What kind of Missionary do you use?”

The other replied, “You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they’re sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.”

“Ah, ah!” the second cannibal replies. “No wonder…those are friars!”

  • Why are so many thieves bald?

They dread locks.

  • What do you call it when a person shaves their head bald to blend in with cancer patients?…

Chemoflage

  • A long wait was forming for a bald barber.

The barber seemed to be taking an unnecassary amount of time with each client. It didn’t help that even more customers were coming in.

One person got fed up with the wait and demanded to know why things were taking so long.

The barber replied with, “why would i hurry up, this is the best hair line I’ve had in years!”

  • Mommy, why is daddy bald?

“Its because he thinks a lot sweetheart”

The kid stared at his mom for a minute and asked

“is that why you have a lot of hair?”

  • An idiot, a barber, and a bald man go on a journey…

At some point in the journey, they decide to set up camp for the night, so they agree to stay awake in four hour shifts to guard their stuff. The barber, having the first shift, gets bored and so ends up shaving the idiot’s head. When his shift ends, he wakes up the idiot, who has the second shift. As he’s coming to, the idiot rubs his head and finds he has no hair. “That barber is a right moron!” he exclaims, “He’s got it all wrong and woken the bald man instead of me!”

(this joke from the Philogelos, is over a thousand years old

  • It’s great to have gray hair.
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Ask anyone who’s bald.

  • I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.”

  • Baldness

A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out. “Won’t you give me something to keep it in?” he begged. “Take this,” the doctor said kindly, and he handed the patient a pill box.

  • Two Bald Eagles

A bald eagle decides to stop by a small lake to get a drink. As he’s drinking another bald eagle lands next to him.


He looks at the eagle and notices a tulip, a rose, and a rabbit’s foot on top of his head.

“What’s with the stuff on your head?”, the eagle asks.

“Oh this?”, he points to his head with his wing, “I’m trying hare in plants.”

  • Wife: Does this dress make me look fat?

Me: Does this tie make me look bald?

  • What do you call a balding aeroplane?

A receding airline.

  • My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered though, it’s hair loss.

  • A park ranger finds a man in the wilderness eating a bald eagle.

The man is arrested and brought to trial for killing a protected bird.

He pleads with the judge, “Your honor, I was lost in the wilderness for three days without food, and the eagle attacked me. I fought back in self-defense, and I ate it because I was starving.”

The judge listens to the tale and rules that the man is not guilty. But he turns to the man and asks, “Well, now that we’re done with all that, I admit that I am curious to know, what does bald eagle taste like?”

“Well, your honor, it’s like a cross between a snowy owl and a whooping crane.”

  • I got a bald person hair gel for Christmas.

She immediately started crying when she opened it. I guess the chemo makes her emotional.

  • A guy sees another guy on the other side of the road and runs towards him

“John! John I havent seen you in so long, how have you been?”

“Um, hello, I’m fine thanks but who are you?” the man answered

“Well its me, Frank, don’t you remember? We were in high school together!”

“Maybe, are you sure?”

“Yes, you’ve changed so much! You used to be fit! And you’ve even grown a beard, and is that a bald patch I see?”

“Wait a second, there’s only one problem, my name isn’t John, it’s Robert.”

“Damn you’ve even changed your name!”

  • A fat friend said baldness runs in his family

I replied with nothing runs in your family

  • I was gonna make a joke about a bald guy’s hair…

But then I remembered there was nothing to joke about.

  • Did you hear about the balding bee?

He tried to hide it with a honeycombover.

  • Teacher: Why do many bald men have torn pant pockets?

Johnny: Sometimes, they too feel like stroking their hair…

  • Did you hear about the bald man’s will after he died?

Turns out he didn’t have any heirs.

  • There was once a homeless man in a small town

Everybody knew him, everybody liked him, he never bothered anybody, until one day someone saw him down by the beach catching an osprey and cooking it up, and they called the cops. The cops arrived as he was finishing his meal, telling him “ospreys are protected animals around here. Sorry, but we gotta take you in.” At his sentencing, the judge said “we all like you, you’re a nice guy, but I gotta give you a sentence of 25 hours of community service.” The judge banged his gavel, but as the defendant was shuffling out, the judge asked “may I have a small sidebar with the defendant?” The judge took him aside and asked, “just between us, what does osprey taste like, anyway?” The man replied, “actually, it tastes just about the same as bald eagle does.”

  • Why don’t bald people use keys?

Because they don’t have any locks

  • I wouldn’t say I was going bald, but….

When I asked my barber to cut my hair, he replied, “which one?”

  • At The Barbershop

Bald Bill: I want a haircut please.

Barber: Certainly. Which one?

  • Dancing

After accepting an invitation to dance with Bald Bill, a young woman wanted to lighten the mood and said, “Honey, God was good to you! He gave you a handsome face and room for another one.”

  • Sunday School

The Sunday School teacher asked if any of the children had heard a quote from the Bible in the past week. Little Billy spoke up, “Bald Bill doesn’t have any hair on his head. He says that God put hair on everything that he was ashamed of.”

  • Volleyball

Bald Bill had to stop playing volleyball because people kept swinging at his head.

  • Did God Make Bald Bill?

A little girl climbed into Bald Bill’s lap and studied his white, balding head.

“Did God make you?”, she asked.

“Yes”, he answered.

“Did God make me too?” she wondered.

“Yes”, he replied.

“Well,” she shrugged, “don’t you think he’s doing a lot better job now than he used to?”

  • Comedy Club

Bald Bill walks into a comedy club and the comedian spots his bald head.

He turns to the crowd and says, “Look, that guy spent all night doing his hair and then forgot to bring it with him.”

  • Pigheaded

Bald Bill: Doctor, can you give me something for my baldness?

Doctor: How about a few pounds of pig manure?

Bald Bill: Will that cure my baldness?

Doctor: No, but with that on your head no one will come near enough to notice.

  • Broken Bones

Bald Bill wonders if he can still get a hairline fracture.

  • Haircut From His Wife

Bald Bill’s wife was cutting his thinning hair, when little Billy arrived home looking for a snack. She offered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities. “It has more vitamin C than an orange,” she remarked.

“And more hair than Bald Bill,” added Little Billy.

  • Little Billy Asks About Baldness

Little Billy is eating breakfast one morning and gets to thinking about things.

“Mommy, mommy, why does Bald Bill have so few hairs on his head?” he asks his mother.

“He thinks a lot,” replies his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with such a quick answer to Little Billy’s question.

Or she is until Billy thinks for a second and asks, “So why do you have so much hair?”

  • Don’t Trust a Bald Man

Never trust a bald man. If his head looks like your ass, you know he’s full of sh*t!

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